Happier?

I remember a conversation with an old friend who came to visit a few years back. He made me question if people, including myself, are really any happier following a major change, one that they expected to induce fulfillment and satisfaction. I was heading into surgery in a month or so when we were talking and I was sort of excited about it in a way.  He told me he knew several women who had undergone similar surgeries but who weren’t any happier after all.  That sort of surprised me at the time because I was sure that if I could just overcome this one little issue in my life, I could sail on and finally feel at peace about my body.  But over the past three and a half years I've thought back to this conversation.  And I've asked myself if things are any better on this side of it all.  And I can’t decide entirely.

I wonder about people who have lost a lot of weight.  Or who have gotten braces on and then off.  Those who've had eye surgeries and don’t have to wear glasses anymore.  Or who had facial reconstruction. Or plastic surgery. Or new eyelashes. Or have blonde hair now.

I guess on some level, we all feel better about ourselves when we finally address a gnawing irritant in our lives, when we can just let that concern go.  Maybe it’s easier to choose clothes, maybe we’re less self conscious; we’ve finally conquered a weak area and can get on with things.  But happier?  I’m not convinced.

Because (and this is super personal, so of course I’ll share it with all of you, but only because I think it’s pertinent and may turn out to be helpful to someone) I always, always felt embarrassed about myself from way back to my teen years and especially after I had five kids, and I actually looked forward to reconstruction following surgery for breast cancer.  Finally, I thought, I could look more normal.  But when it came down to it, when I was working with my plastic surgeon, I told him I didn’t want to change my look all that much.  As a result, no one in the world would ever know looking at me, but I feel slightly better about things.  And I wonder if that’s how other people feel too.  Maybe you’ve made changes that no one ever notices.  Were the changes worth it even so?  And are you feeling better?

What I’ve realized from my own experience, though, is that I simply switched issues.  I’m still self conscious.  Just in a different way.  My scars on my back are still obvious.  And my muscles are a constant reminder that I’m not the same. I’m a little sad about the ramifications.  I sort of miss my old self.  And so I can’t decide if I am happier or not.  I wonder if sometimes we just trade worries when we make big changes.  Like the one who is on acne medicine and now needs to be extra vigilant in the sun.  Someone who had bariatric or gall bladder surgery who now can’t enjoy the foods she used to. Is the skinnier new version happier? Or has he just swapped out one headache for another?

Of course I’m all about healthy eating, taking care of our skin and our teeth and our bodies in general.  Of course.  But I wonder if we can’t be happy right here, right now.  Can we be a little fluffy and get on with life and just be joyful in spite of it? Why did I feel so ashamed of my body and let it make me feel less than? Looking back, true happiness was eluding me not because of what I looked like, but because I was worrying too much about it.

And I think it’s more than our physical selves.  Sometimes we tell ourselves we’ll be happier when we get out of college or get a bigger house or finally pay off our student loans or the kids finally go to school.  But you know as well as I do that those student years, poor, living side by side other college kids, were some of the best.  We all know bigger houses mean bigger payments, more yard work, and more things to break.  Paying off our loans was a major milestone and felt great.  But we’ve transferred those payments to other items in our budget, so not a whole lot has changed overall.  And now that I finally have hours and hours to myself everyday, I miss those kids, and I’m disappointed they’re in school all the time.

So I just can’t decide.  Yes, I think most people feel relieved about paying off a large debt and there’s some excitement about getting a new look.  But is plastic surgery really going to enhance a person’s life? Will a bigger paycheck make that much difference in their overall happiness?

We know the answer.  I know we do.  And yet we’re still not convinced.  I’m not saying we shouldn’t get out of debt or own a house that’s appropriate for our families.  I’m not saying we shouldn’t get the surgery or watch what we eat.  Who can say what anyone else should do?  I’m just saying I don’t know that I was prepared for the other side.  I didn’t realize it would still be a little private heartache, just packaged a little differently.  The bigger houses we’ve moved in to, the handful of times I’ve been tan, when my hair grew long, when the kids were all potty trained, when I got a different assignment at church… I always thought I knew what I wanted, what would be better, what would make me happier. But as I’ve simply shifted the weight around in my pack, things aren’t really all that different.  Because those things are really only external and can undo themselves in a heartbeat.

I’m happier now than I was three years ago because I’m different in real ways.  Inside ways.  I’ve learned some things, I’ve met amazing people, and I’ve had a few life-changing experiences than have nothing to do with the size of my house or what I look like on the outside. And while I’m grateful for my (potentially life-saving) surgery, Loreal, and self tanning lotion, a bigger house, no more student debt, and enough vehicles to go around, you’d never know it looking at me.  Because my happiness is based more on a size or a color or what we own or anything else along those lines. I just think that’s something to keep in mind as we chase these elusive dreams, thinking they might just be the answer to all our woes and that these little alterations will transform our lives.  They might shake things up a bit, might give us a little more satisfaction, might make us feel a little better.  Maybe.  But sometimes we’re just switching around the variables.  A better bet would be to work on the stuff that will lead to substantial inner-soul, true heart changes, the essence of authentic happiness.