Longing to be known

I’ve reflected on this sentiment ever since I read it years back, wondering if I agree with her conclusion.  “I always thought It was what I wanted: to be loved and admired.  Now I think perhaps I’d like to be known” (Kristin Hannah in The Nightingale).

I wonder what others would say.  It seems that in our world of entertainment and facades, “infuencers” and photo-shopping, we prefer to hide the real us in lieu of being worshipped, revered or simply admired.  We hide behind a curtain of make up, clothing, social media, homes, possessions and even professions.  We pretend to be what we do or have or look like when maybe that’s not really who we are at all.  But we’ve decided, unconsciously or otherwise, that it’s preferable to be oohed and ahhed at, to be “loved,” rather than to allow others past our gates and into our hearts, where there is always a risk of rejection or pain.

As a writer and lover of words, I’ve always cherished cards and notes and for most of my life I kept quite a few of them. These days I retain very, very few. What’s interesting is the ones I appreciate these days are those written from a perspective of knowing me. I love the ones that allude to my humanness and acknowledge my imperfections but that still manage to inspire me.  Because her words are honest and real, it proves that the friend truly knows me, and I can trust her to tell me both the truths: the progress she sees I’m making as well as the need-to-improve areas.  I have a handful of friends, along with Todd, who are completely honest when we text or talk and they tell me exactly what they notice when I’m wanting to make changes and ask for their opinion.  I can’t tell you how much that means to me; it shows me the depth of their commitment and friendship that they would care enough to be real.  I love that they have been with me long enough to have made the effort to know me.

But I didn’t always want to be known, and I think many of us may still feel this way.  It seems to be much more fulfilling to be admired from afar, to keep up pretenses, to hold people at arms’ length, to let them believe the good they see and to hide the rest.

Because where would we be if they saw the real us?  How could we possibly be lovable, let alone admired, if we were known?  What if we showed up bare-faced or, worse, with a cried-out face?  What if we let our guard down and answered honestly when someone asked us how we’re doing?  What if we admitted it’s been a hard year, that we don’t have all—or even most of—the answers, that we’re worried or scared or ashamed or discouraged or let-down or sad or even angry or resentful?  What if we didn’t know what to show them because we don’t even know who we are ourselves exactly?  But what if we just said as much and invited them to join us on our journey of discovery?

As we think about the upcoming year, I wonder if we could consider these ideas.  What difference would it make if instead of trying to impress people, we decided to let them know us?  What if the greatest thrill didn’t come from allowing people to see only the good in us but instead came from letting them see our hearts in all its shambles and stages of growth?  What if instead of obsessing about what others think of us, we made a conscious effort to create meaningful connections as we tried to get to know others on a deeper level?  What if we took a chance at being vulnerable instead of making sure we have it all together before we present ourselves to the world?  What if we didn’t seek to be loved but sought to love instead?

I love book quotes so much; I can’t help but question how the author's words sit with me and ask myself if I agree.  And if I do, am I living in alignment with what I say I believe?  I love words like these because they push me to probe myself, to be honest and to dig deep.  I have to say I concur with her statement because I sense, although not as tidy and safe as being admired from a distance, life is most enriching as we experience true intimacy that only comes through knowing--and being known--authentically.

Real world word problem

Do Christmas. This will be multi-variable, but start with a family of seven.  Add in the extended family, friends, co-workers, and strangers.  You may use your notes and calculators as well as any pertinent online resources.  You may work in groups and your deadline is the 25th.  You should’ve started months ago.

Make a budget, keep a running total for each person.  Buy exactly what they want (insist on links).  But keep some of it a surprise.  Ask in nonchalant, vague ways for hints.  Stay within a strict budget so that it’s fair.  Decide if the coat you got on sale counts in the budget at the sale price or the valued price.  Try not to be uptight about it all.  Make the stocking innard piles all the same size.  Even as you’re buying for 14- and 18-year-old girls and boys 16, 21, and 23.  And spend equal amounts on each stocking; put items in Target bags to keep a visual.  Try to remember if you actually ordered the item you wrote down or if it’s just in the cart.  Keep in mind that there is a cut-off date.  After a certain point, items will be delivered after Christmas.  It was the day before yesterday actually. Bonus points: keep track of what stores you bought each item from—online and for real.  Keep track of packages as they come so you’ll know if the items you ordered actually arrived. Keep every receipt for everything you buy in December.  And recall what you bought throughout the year and for whom it was meant.

Buy for a spouse.  Something useful but not boring.  Not something he’d buy for himself.  But that he’d like.  And doesn’t own. But hasn’t thought of before.  Make sure if you get any kind of shirt or top that the arms are long enough but that the body part isn’t baggy.  Make sure it’s not something an old man would wear.  Or a young adult. Sensible but not frumpy. Practical yet fun.

Provide a gift for his parents.  And have it ready by Thanksgiving.  Nothing extravagant.  But something you can wrap since it can be delivered in person this year.  So not a gift card.  Even though that makes the most sense.  Make sure it’s not something you’ve already given in the past 24 years for Christmas, birthdays, Mothers Days or Fathers Days.  Be creative.

And figure out a present for each of his five siblings. Preferably something homemade-ish. Since that’s how his family rolls. They should be reasonable.  But meaningful.  Again, make sure they’re all ready for Thanksgiving so you can save postage.

Have an answer ready for each family member who asks what another family member would like.  Consider each of their situations including travel and cost and ability-to-access parameters.  Have a list in mind for when your spouse asks what you want.  Don’t be discouraged when he says slippers and a new temple dress is lame.

Try to be crafty like all the other people in the shops.  Make gnomes this year.  Even though you hate crafts and never do them.  Watch a video about making them.  Shop at several stores.  Spend more than you imagined; keep checking your receipts to make sure they got the coupons.  Hope they are cute to other people too.  Wonder why you thought this was a good idea.  Put all the unused supplies in a bin to give to Good Will in a couple of years.

Bring in the 10 totes from the garage.  Unload everything.  Try to remember where you put it all last year.  Ask yourself why you have so much stuff.  Put back the stuff you don’t like.  Don’t ask yourself why you even keep it.  Be prepared for the spouse to ask after you’ve spent all day decorating, “Is this all there is?”  Don’t get upset or become discouraged. Simply reply affirmatively and cheerfully.

Write a Christmas letter that includes the highlights and details of all seven of you from the past 12 months.  Don’t brag about any accomplishments, don’t make a list of all your family’s activities.  Skip the gross or inappropriate stuff that you talk about at the dinner table. Or any sad stuff. Try to think if anything funny happened.  Try to remember anything that happened.  But don’t make it a travel log.  Keep it succinct.  But include plenty of descriptions.  Make it sound interesting.  But authentic.  Have it ready by Thanksgiving.  To save on postage.

And make a Christmas card using the five pictures you took during the year.  Ask the kids if they have any.  Use ones you’ve already used and just cut out the parts that fit.  Choose one of two card styles that allow five or more picture slots because you never get around to getting family pictures or lining everyone up.  Vow to do family pictures next year. Pick any color.  That you didn’t use last year.  Write something besides the default to make it a little more interesting in case anyone notices.

Send out the pictures and letters to everyone you’ve known.  Or at least the ones you’re still in contact with.  Or you see frequently.  Or never see anymore but you’re related to.  Even if it’s a married-in cousin.  Or who you ever went to church or college with.  Or who sends you one.  Keep the list updated, note address changes.  This will require you to know if the return address on their envelope looks and feels familiar.  If not, pull up the document and confirm you have the most current address.  Extra credit: take note of who sent you one so you’ll be prepared for next year.  But it’s ok if they miss 1-2 years.  If you haven’t made a label document, handwrite them all.  And lick the envelopes if you bought the wrong kind.  Buy 200 stamps.  Go back when you run out of international stamps in the middle of December. 

Buy a gift for your mom’s husband.  Who is diabetic and likes to watch tv and read.  Spend enough but not too much.  Try to figure out what to do for the mom who has four closets of clothes and enough jewels for a queen and whose favorite hobby is shopping.  Make an effort.  But don’t try to compete with her offerings.  Make it look like a generous gift without going overboard.  Don’t buy a book for her because she has over 200 she hasn’t read yet, and she falls asleep when she reads; but be sure to buy one for him. Maybe a gift card.  But not just a gift card. Wrap items in as many different packages as you can to make it look like a lot since they will be spending Christmas morning with you and she has been shopping since the summer.

Shop for your sister who lives in another state.  By July.  So that the other sister can take it to her to save postage.  And remember her husband and three teenaged boys.  Make it specific to each member’s interests, but keep it a family gift.  But do something a little special for her.  But keep it practical.  And don’t spend a ton.  But enough.

And for your other sister.  Who will be here Christmas morning.  Who will need packages to open. But is trying to downsize.  A few gifts.  Nothing crazy.  But plenty, so she knows how much she’s valued.  Something homemade would be ideal.  But not a quilt; you already did that.  Maybe pillows.  The ones you started on your road trip in the summer would be perfect.  Plan a day to work on those.  Before she comes next week.

Wrap everything. Try not to waste paper. Save the bits.  Reuse the ribbon your mom saved for you last year. Be careful storing items in decorative bags with tissue paper—don’t let the tissue get crunched.  Put as much as you can under the bed.  Don’t let the dogs eat the chocolates or mints or gum or beef jerky.  Keep your door closed.  Check it often.  Put the rest in the closet. But be mindful of the tissue, remember.

Let family members choose names around Thanksgiving.  This will be for the gift exchange on Christmas Eve.  Make a list of who has who.  Refer to it often when family members ask who they have.  Take a picture of it to carry with you everywhere.  Text them all again. Buy gift for your husband to give to your daughter.  Wrap it along with yours.

Keep track of the running pants your older daughter bought for your younger daughter for the sibling gift exchange.  Keep them safe.  And separate from every other pile.  Maybe in another room?  But don’t let the dogs get into them.

Be on the lookout for a computer that is to be delivered to the house for a friend of your son.  Who lives in another state. Keep it separate from everything else.  And remember the safe spot you put it in.

In your free time, write a talk that you’ll present to 150 members of your congregation.  Plan on speaking for 15-20 minutes but be prepared to cut it down to five if necessary.  Make it encouraging but not condescending. Use real-life experiences and stories, but don’t get too personal. Use doctrine but don’t just read scriptures.  Write it out word for word, but don’t read it. 

Remember you still have the box of presents you brought home over Thanksgiving for the sister-in-law’s brother’s wife.  They’re in the garage.  Call again to set up a time to meet so she can come get them in the next week.

Set up appointments for the college kids if they need to go to the doctor or dentist or eye specialist.  Remember to do this, there may not be any spots left at this point.  You should’ve done this weeks ago.

Check out Christmas books from the library.  Many, many Christmas books for your guests to read.  And, at just the right moment, get the movies.  This is tricky.  You will need to get them so that they won’t be due when the family’s here, but you want to time it well so that there will still be some to choose from.  Try to recall which ones you’ve seen already. And that each of the other 9 have seen.  Or didn’t like.

Consider all the people in your life.  Especially the ones who live close.  Choose wisely what you will do: bread, cookies, jam, or nothing.  Consider the ramifications.  And what you will do if they come bearing gifts and you have none.  Consider what message that sends and if you feel confident enough in your relationship to accept what that might look like.  Remember the poor people, the old people, the alone people.  Especially consider those who might need a little extra love at this time of year.  Be thoughtful.  But practical.  Don’t spend a lot.  But be very generous.  Yours might be the only gifts they get this year. Keep in mind the best gift you can give is your time.  Make arrangements for that.

Find a way every day of December to serve in a personal yet anonymous way.  Include your family.  Each of them.  Encourage them in as many ways as you can.  But then let them choose.  Show enthusiasm.  But no disappointment if when they refuse or reject your suggestions.

Find other ways to serve as family in a little bit bigger way.  Shop for all the tags you took.  Make many, many decisions about sizes, prices, styles, and quantities.  Deliver the goods.  Wonder, but don’t ask aloud, what the point was.

Do something like the 12 Days of Christmas, some kind of doorbell/running tradition to teach your kids to think of others.  Be creative.  And make the deliveries pretty-ish.  Include the kids. Run so you’re not caught.  But don’t slip on the ice.  Or let their smart doorbell catch you.  You will reveal yourselves after a few nights of this.  Don’t be let down when you end up doing it all yourself.

Find a way to incorporate some kind of spiritual message into your evenings.  Maybe a song, a scripture, a story, a quote.  Make them varied.  Don’t feel guilty that you’re skipping regular scripture reading. Don’t show any video any of the family members may have seen before at church or seminary or in a devotional or family lesson.  Make sure it’s new and engaging, not silly, but not too spiritual.  Not just talking, but not cheesy.  Not a quote actually.  And maybe not a scripture.  But it should be about Christ since it’s Christmas, so maybe, actually probably.  Keep the teenagers’ attention.  It should be substantial but not over the top; don’t make it last too long.  But long enough to make an impact.  Pray over the whole thing.  Smile so they don’t know you’re frustrated.  Pretend this is all how you wanted it to go.

Gather your family for your favorite program of the year: music and Christmas messages.  Refrain from saying anything sarcastic when they ask what is going on.  Patiently remind them this happens every year at the same time on the same day, that it’s nothing new this year. Make popcorn.  Make special seating arrangements.  Stay calm when they ask how long it will take and when they contort themselves on the small couches.  Declare a truce at half-time and tell them they will be able to watch the rest of it next week.  Strengthen and prepare yourself for the resistance.

Wash all the quilts, duvet covers, and sheets for the six extra beds you’ll need.  Pull the mattresses out from under beds and under stacks of mattresses on top of the beds.  Find all the mattress covers.  Probably wash them.  Yes, the sheets are clean.  But they will smell stale because they sit on old 1984 closet shelves.  Wash them again.  Use the special dryer sheets you save for these occasions.  Yes, I know they’re big, but wash the comforters.  Dogs have slept on them.  Other guests used them in the fall.  You don’t know who used what and it’s gross to smell them all to try to guess if they’re clean enough.  Just wash them all.  One at a time.  And try to find pillows.  Flat ones for the mom.  Two.  New ones for the guests, older ones for the kids.  Pull out towels.  Maybe/probably smell these to see; they may need to be washed again too.  Find washcloths that are not stained, torn, or ratty.  You have two blue ones set aside for these occasions.  Find them.

For the boys, put three mattresses on the floor on moving blankets in the playroom that is the size of a small L-shaped couch.  Don’t put them too close together.  Leave plenty of room for their laundry bags, travel bags, and toiletry bags.  Use other comforters if you don’t have enough mattress pads/covers.  Remember again to buy some.  And try to remember why you haven’t.

Clean the bathrooms yourself instead of having the kids do them so you know the floor has been done at least once this year.  Make sure to wash the bathmats and to check that there are matching bottles of conditioner and shampoo. And that there is man shampoo and body wash. And that there is stuff in all of them.  Try to make your 1984 bathrooms look fine.  You may need to wash the shower curtain.  You probably should; it’s your mother.

Time all of this just right.  Too early, and the kids and dogs will mess it all up.  Too late, and you’ll be scrambling.  Ideally, you’d make a room ready and lock the door.  You don’t have that many rooms.  You will have to scramble.

Notice the dust on the blinds and fans and walls.  Only deal with the ones you can reach easily and quickly.  Try to put it all out of your mind.  May want to touch on the kitchen window one since she will be doing the dishes.  Clean the stove.  Wonder about the pantry.  Stock up on Large rubber gloves so you will be prepared when she asks.

Plan for the food you will be eating for the weeks everyone will be here and for the one week you will have ten for each meal.  Remember their favorites.  Remember that your daughter is somewhat of a vegetarian.  And that two guests don’t like spinach in their salads.  Your mom’s husband is diabetic, remember, so keep the carbs to a minimum.  Your grill doesn’t work. You will want to have treats around, but your own kids won’t eat your homemade goods and the guests will complain that you are making them fat.  Keep cooking and shopping.  Don’t look at the totals.  Just take the receipts quickly and tuck them in the bags.  Recycle all the bags that keep coming in the next time you go out. In fact, try to go to at least three stores or out for a minimum of three hours every day that guests are with you. Try to make it to Target and TJ Maxx each day.  Have a ready answer for the inevitable question, “What’s the plan?” Always, always know what the plan is.  Act cheerful.  As if you always have a plan.

Plan Christmas Eve and Christmas Day food.  Make the evening meal a nice one.  But keep it simple.  Make ham and cheese potatoes and frog eye salad and rolls and try to keep it healthy. Decorate the table.  Make it nice.  But again, keep it simple.  Use items from around the house.  Be creative. Make a breakfast casserole or two on Christmas Eve when there’s some downtime.  Make sticky rolls Christmas Eve night.  But time it just right; the later, the better.  Try to remember if it is better to put them in the fridge to raise or if if they worked better on the counter; you need them to raise just enough but not out of the pan, so plan accordingly.  Make a mental note for next year.

Try to make everyone happy the entire week, but especially on Christmas Eve.  Have a fancy dinner.  Do something spiritual.  Try to decide again if it’s better to read the Christmas story from the Bible or to watch a video.  Do the gift exchange.  And pajamas.  Play a game that everyone from the 70 year olds to the teenagers will like and understand.  Find a Christmas movie all ten of you will like.  Nothing cheesy.  Or crude.  Preferably with a message, but that’s getting ahead of yourself, like imaginary numbers.  Extra credit if it’s one no one has seen yet.  Make sure you have snacks available for the teenagers’ after-movie games.  Provide soda.  Obviously. 

Get up earlier than anyone on Christmas Day, which will also be your birthday.  There won’t be a way to do the stockings on Christmas Eve because the teenagers will be up too late playing games.  So put the stuffers in the stockings very, very early on Christmas morning.  Be prepared for the spouse to ask questions like, “This is all?” or “Did you get ____?”  Try to go back to sleep before the mother wakes up at 5:30 and wishes you happy birthday or starts to ask questions in a cheery voice.  Bow out for at least another half hour if you can.  Make brownies later on for your birthday dessert.  You should’ve bought ice cream and made fudge by this point as well.  Accept phone calls even though you are very bad at talking on the phone.  Pretend it is normal to be sung to on the phone.  Be cheerful when some of your kids say Christmas Day is a let-down after the presents are opened.  Focus on the ones who say they like it that you just have a day to chill.

And remember to enjoy the season.  Go to parties.  Bring food to all of them. Arrange a couple of your own.  Host book group.  Go to the band concert, the Stroll, and Festival of Trees. Have families for dinner.  Go out to eat with friends. Sample the fudge, sugar cookies, egg nog, Little Smokies, cheese ball, toffee, and wassail.  You don’t want to be a scrooge.  But balance it all.  Eat right. Plenty of vegetables. Exercise everyday.  Don’t gain weight.  But don’t be a party pooper.  Make sure to smile when you tell people Merry Christmas.  Be sincere.  People can tell.

Show your work. You will get partial credit for any effort you make.