Because of Him

The other night Todd had to take Avery to work at 3 am; so while I was awake, I thought of the Easter video we’d just watched as a family, Because of Him.

For some reason my thoughts drifted back to how I was as a younger mom.  I had a temper I didn’t know about that surfaced once I had kids.  Todd was gone a lot, our marriage was sometimes strained, I was harried and exhausted from working and being up in the night, like most moms. I didn’t have the best coping skills or parenting know-how.  I was rash and harsh.  I scared little Andrew with my temper.  I scared myself.  I had a wake-up call one evening and knew I needed to change. 

I thought back to high school and how awkward I felt, how gravely I struggled with jealousy and comparison.  How shy and self-conscious I felt.  I thought of how I wrestled to know what I was good at, what my talents and innate strengths were.  I obsessed, desperate to know what I could contribute. I was so unsure of myself.

I thought of college and how unintelligent I suddenly felt. How uncertain I was about my future and the decisions I was making about my education, where I lived, and who I dated.  I thought of how lonely I sometimes felt.  And how I wished I could see my personal path a little more clearly.

I thought of the strained relationships and broken hearts I’d experienced over the years.  The cruel things I’d said and done when I was a little girl and a teenager that I have wished a million times since that I could undo.  I thought of the tangles I’d created, the misunderstandings I’d been a part of.

When I open the gates, my mind becomes a flood of memories, of weaknesses and sadnesses I’ve encountered through life.  And I’m completely overwhelmed and humbled.  That Christ has been the pivot that has turned me around, the catalyst that transformed crippling and crushing trials into powerful and valuable teaching experiences.  Because of Him, I’m becoming a different person.

As we all are.

It’s just unfathomable to think we could possibly carry the weight of all our sins and sorrows, misdeeds and miseries of life ourselves.  There’s no way we could be where we are without our Savior’s help.  Even as we note how far we are from where we’d like to be.  Look at what we’ve overcome, learned, changed, and become.

I attribute any good to Him.  I’m more certain and confident wholly because of Him, because I’m secure in knowing who I am.  That He lived and died for me.  That I’m a daughter of God and worthy of their love.

As we all are.

Because of Him, His example, His love, His mercy, and His atonement, we can change from the rough version of ourselves into a more polished, bright rendering.

I think of my marriage, how I’ve been impatient and obstinate, condescending and indifferent.  And I think of how our relationship has changed over the years.  Because of Him, I’m learning to love better.  Christ’s teaching me to settle.  To look at the other side.  To give the benefit of the doubt.  To trust.  To let others do their thing.  To accept.  To be joyful and upbeat. To love deeply and with my whole heart.

I think of our kids.  How His influence has helped me to stop yelling.  And lashing out.  And creating contention.  I know no one knows that side of me except Todd.  But it’s simply a shell I shed years and years ago; it really isn’t me at all anymore.  Because of Him.  He’s taught me to hold them close.  To simplify my life.  To let go of unnecessary expectations that were causing me stress.  To talk softly.  To laugh.  To be my own kind of mom and to embrace museums and reading and parks and picnics.  To not worry about what I wasn’t doing.  To let the house stuff go a bit.  To really see my children the way He does.  He’s made all the difference in the world in how I parent and how I value my role as a mother.

I think of the friendships I’ve had over the years.  And how they’ve enhanced my life in magical ways.  I think of the ways I’ve seen Him be a friend.  How He sought out the lonely instead of worrying about His own discomforts.  How He noticed a need and went about providing relief in personal and intimate ways.  How He took time to be with individuals one on one.  How He walked with them, ate with them, and had deep and abiding conversations with them.  How He loved unabashedly without judgment.  Because of Him I have some ideas about how to be a truer friend.  And because of Him, we’ve developed close, cherished relationships that have given us immense joy.

I think of my faith and how it’s solidified over the years.  Because of Him, I know I can learn and grow line upon line as well.  I’m not fretting over what I’m not, that I’m not there yet.  I’m ok with the small and simple ways I’m learning and changing.  Obviously I get frustrated by my shortcomings now and then.  I imagine we all do.  But because of Him, they don’t paralyze me.  I’m confident that if I just keep learning about Him and try to live a little more congruent with His example, slowly I’ll become more like Him.

Because of Him, I’m clear about what my priorities should be.  That when I love God and others, the rest will fall into place.  He exemplified this constantly, and I feel peace when I put these things first.  I’m ok with setting boundaries around my time and my family.

Because He endured trials well, I know we can have peace amidst our own storms.  I’m learning to see them as learning experiences, opportunities to grow, chances to exercise faith and patience.  Because of Him I know things will all work out.  Even if it’s not for awhile.

I think of my lonely times, my sadnesses, my losses.  And because of Him, they don’t overwhelm me.  I embrace the opposition because I know it’s all temporary.  That I can get up and move forward even when my heart is heavy.  He did that over and over in His life.  He reminds me that I can too.  Because I’m never truly alone.

Because of Him, I know we all have a  part to play.  I know my worth.  I know my strengths and abilities and talents are unique for the mission I have on earth.  I know myself and know I can use my aptitudes and skills and passions for good.

As we all can.

It’s not that I’ve arrived.  That I’ve got all the answers.  That my weaknesses and insecurities are a thing of the past.  That I don’t have lonely days or heartbreaks.  Not at all.  But because of Him, they don’t paralyze me anymore.

Because of Christ, we are here.  Not overcome by our humanness.  Not alone.  Not hopeless or helpless.  Because of Him, all our weaknesses can be overcome, our hard hearts can be made soft, our pains can be assuaged, our countenances can reflect His image.  So as I’ve pondered on it all this week, I’m intensely grateful.  Overcome with the indebtedness.  For the One who is transforming me.  And each of us if we let Him.