Safe

Several months ago I was absorbed in a tender conversation with a dear friend as we sat on my bed, and she confessed she didn’t feel like I needed her as a friend.  I couldn’t believe it.  She noted that I had lots of friends and I didn’t seem to need another.  But I immediately corrected her.  I told her we’re all surrounded by people, it looks like we all have plenty of friends.  But when we’re really taking stock of who we can trust, who we really have as close confidants, we realize how precious these few women in our inner circle are.

Of course I’d venture to say most of us have our families we can count on, our spouses and kids (especially as they mature and become our friends), our siblings and parents.  But maybe not.  Some of us are lucky that way; others have tense family relationships, or maybe their family just isn’t there for them in that way right now.

I also think most of us know numerous women we could call to help out with kids or rides or to run an errand for us if we’re sick. They’re awesome, there for us in a heartbeat.  Women like this make me teary if I think about them for any length of time, I love them so much.

But when we really need to talk about what’s in our hearts, something sensitive, when we’re needing someone we can unload on with absolute assurance it will go nowhere, we have to be careful.  But once you find a confidant, someone who will safeguard what you share, you’ll never want to let her go.  Because that kind of friend is more rare than you’d think.

The longer I live, the more I value women who can keep a secret.  Which sounds like we’re back in elementary school.  But I guess that’s what I mean. The older I get, the more delicate and complex my challenges become because I’m dealing with more serious issues than the high school woes of who likes who or even the early years of marriage and pregnancy and being over-tired and under-paid. I’ve got older kids on the brink of adulthood, we’re making heavier life decisions, we worry about our parents, we have people in our stewardship we’re concerned with who have struggles we’re not sure how to help with. Obviously we all need women we can bounce ideas off of and have a good laugh with, but we also need those we can let down our guard with, cry with, share honestly and openly with, and get solid advice from about delicate issues.  But because so many of my concerns involve things of a sensitive nature, I’m naturally cautious and reserved when it comes to talking about them.

We’ve all been friends with enough women to sense almost right off the bat who we can trust.  It doesn’t take long.  You’ll know.  Just listen to what she says and doesn’t say.  Listen to how she responds in groups, at lunch.  Notice if she shares news about others liberally.  Or if she waits for our friends to tell us themselves about their own pregnancies or divorces.  I like how these women turn uncomfortable conversations around, making them positive, saying something complimentary about another, standing up for those who aren’t present.  They don’t offer details on issues that aren’t theirs to share; they remain vague and move on as quickly as they can to safe topics the whole group can talk about.  It’s especially telling when I know something that’s being discussed and I know they do too, yet they don’t say a word.  I make a mental note than these women are safe.  I know intuitively that I can trust them.  And I know you have friends like this too.

I’ve thought about what makes them so priceless as friends.  And what makes them so trustworthy.  And it’s pretty straightforward.  They simply don’t gossip.  They hold on to what we tell them, they keep it to themselves.  They guard our information and respect our privacy and don’t spread anything we tell them not to.  In fact, they rarely share even the stuff we don’t specifically tell them not to.  They just honor our friendship and the things we’ve talked about privately.

I can't help but admire the women I’m surrounded with.  If we look around, I know we’ll see that we all have loyal friends in our midst who are reliable and safe.  And this friend I was talking to not long ago is one of them. As we talked that afternoon in my room, I reminded her of why I love her so much.  She’s someone I can really trust.  That I can be completely candid and open with, and I know what we talk about won’t go anywhere.  I love her with all my heart, in large part because she's proven over and over to me that she is safe.

I’m constantly working on this. It’s not easy, it’s so tempting to share something we’ve heard, even if it’s just with our husbands.  It’s hard to keep things straight, to remember what’s public knowledge and what’s been shared confidentially.  Which is maybe why sometimes it’s easier to just keep quiet and listen and not say much at all. Something that I’ve noticed some of my truest kindred spirit friends are good at.  

I’d say this is perhaps the most vital principle of friendship, of all our relationships really: being able to trust one another.  And no place is this more important than in our families and among family members.  Again, something I’ve tried to be cognizant of but that I’m constantly working on.  Even early on I knew I didn’t want to be the kind of mom that talks about her kids and teens, laughing with her friends over things that would be embarrassing if the kids were to hear.  And yet I have failed so, so often because I constantly say things without thinking, I don’t realize it would be hurtful or upsetting until after it’s been said.  I’ve shared things I shouldn’t have and I’ll live with that regret forever, I’m sure. But I really am trying to be aware and careful because I respect them and want them to be able to talk to us openly without worrying about where it will go. As with most things, I wish I was already good at this.  And yet, I’m grateful for the mercy God and friends and family have shown me as I keep trying to get it right.

All I can say is I’m better than I used to be.  Waging a lifelong war with jealousy and comparison, gossip was my weapon of choice.  As with most young girls and teens.  But in college I finally realized how damaging and unkind it was, how it hurt relationships.  To be honest, I can’t remember what finally clicked.  But I can tell you nothing changed overnight.  I’ve already told you I’m still working on it.  (Why, oh why, do weaknesses take so long to overcome?)  And yet, I’m hopeful.  Because at least I'm thinking about it, I'm trying.  My dream is that my children will be much, much better at this than I have been, that they will avoid the tangles and pains that I’ve been a part of.  As I always tell you, I write so that they and others can hopefully learn from my mistakes.

It might be worth our time to think about.  What kind of friend are we when it comes to safeguarding private information, confidences, and conversations meant only for us? Can we do better?  Especially in our own families.  I just know I, and I sense that many of us, desperately need women like this in our midst.  It’s not healthy for us to keep everything bottled up inside, we're social, we're meant to live together and among each other, to communicate, to share.  But we need safe friends to talk about our lives with; and I'm realizing that, more than even wanting to have a reliable friend, I want to be this kind of friend to someone else.