Just friends

My dear friend and I have a weekly walk/lunch/movie date; we just saunter around the neighborhood for a bit, make sandwiches, and plop ourselves in front of tv for a couple hours on top of whatever we do together as couples on the weekends.  We both have plenty to keep us busy, but we just decided to make this our time to see each other.  When we had our little kids we would meet at the mall at 6 and walk.  For years.  But then she went to work, and we had less time together.  Now that she’s retired, it’s been so fun to enjoy our flexibility and to take a little break right in the middle of our lives. We each have our lists of movies that we think would be fun to watch together.  We have similar tastes for the most part, and I’ve loved everything we’ve watched together.  So yesterday it was her turn to pick; she told me the ones she’d sifted through with a little description of each of them, and she mentioned that she made sure none of them was rated R.  I sighed out loud, awwww. :)  I couldn’t believe she would be that sensitive and thoughtful.  And to be honest, I’m not completely sure what I think about our American rating system, but I told her as a youth leader, I just never want the kids to see me doing something their parents wouldn’t want them to do.  I was so very touched by her kindness, truly.  That was the sweetest gesture.

But I’m not sure I do the same for her or other friends and relatives who see life a little differently than I do.  I want to be that same kind of thoughtful friend she is to me; all I can say is I’m trying.

I’ve been asked how we maintain friendships with people who have left the church.  And while I have ideas, I also have no idea what the real answer is. I’m not sure I’m getting any of it right.  But I can tell you that my sister and my best friend are the dream.  They are so supportive, so loving, and so accepting.  They attend religious milestones for members of our family.  They ask about our church activities and mutual friends.  They know what we believe in, and they show so much respect as they make the effort to strengthen our relationships.

I hope they feel comfortable with us as well.  We have the house and cabin stocked with coffee/tea.  We have a coffee pot and tea kettle.  We ask about new tattoos.  We go to their churches.  We drink our soda and water alongside their drinks.  We don’t care one bit about any of it.  Because we care so very, very much about them.

I often feel as if I’m riding my huge yoga ball, trying to stay true to what I believe and learn more while at the same time acknowledging and embracing my friends’ various thoughts, hurts, and beliefs.  I feel so strongly about my Savior and his teachings; he means everything to me and I want to talk about him all the time; I feel it’s so important to share that.  But I also want my friends to know that just because that’s my vision and paradigm, I absolutely get it that not everyone feels the same or anywhere close.  I think everyone has a complicated belief system actually.  My friends who have left are all over the place.  Some don’t believe in God anymore while others still believe in Jesus and love his teachings but don’t want anything to do with “Mormonism” and have some very strong and upset feelings, which I totally get.  But people within the church are also all over the place; ask anyone in it what they think about the Sabbath Day and what they feel is appropriate to do, what they think about garments and when and how they should be worn, how they should pay tithing and on what, or what callings they’d be willing to accept and you’d get a million different answers. Whether we’re actively engaged in this particular church, adamantly opposed to it, in another church, neutral, agnostic, or atheist, my overarching hope is that we can just be ourselves.  And hopefully friends.

Just last week I felt hurt a couple of times over this.  A young person I’d shared a heartfelt religious discussion with over Christmas acted as if we were strangers when I came to her line she was working; in fact, she was a little hasty and short with me.  Another rejected my offer to be friends online.  Which is all fine, heaven knows I’m not the right fit for everyone.  Maybe our religious differences play into it.  Maybe I’m too much.  I don’t know because we haven’t talked about it, but I have of course wondered what went wrong, where did I mess up, and why does religion have to be a thing?

I wish it didn’t have to be so touchy, but religion is an emotional issue.  We can see it as the obvious catalyst behind many wars and contentions between countries, family members, friends, and even strangers. But I don’t think it has to be so controversial and so divisive.  We’re simply seeing the world and interpreting it through different lenses based on our personalities and life experiences.  There’s no harm in that, there’s no reason we can’t accept, allow, and welcome that in our relationships.

In my mind, it is naturally easier when we’re socializing with like-minded people, whether we’re talking about school board issues, political candidates, athletics, books, or religion.  Of course.  Because you don’t have to check yourself, you can just say whatever you think and not have to worry about how it comes across because everyone else at the table feels the same way.  Easier, yes.  But better?  How much do we learn, stretch, think, sympathize, question, ponder, or change when we stick with people, mindsets, and situations that are simply an extension of ourselves?

This is precisely why I insist on trying to go beyond what’s comfortable. While it’s a little scary, I really don’t want to remain where it’s simply safe and easy.  I want to stretch, I want to hear another perspective—lots of perspectives.  I want to know what I don’t know.  I want to hear what my friends and others are thinking, going through, experiencing, questioning, believing or not believing.  I know honesty and openness can be risky and intimidating, I feel that very poignantly.  But so is everything worthwhile in life: friendship, marriage, parenting, accepting a new job, trying a new hobby.  It’s an investment.  We put in a little effort and hope for the best. Successful people aren’t content to stay the same.  They push themselves into the unknown and take a chance.  And I can’t think of anywhere that matters more than in relationships.

I’m like you.  I have many family members and friends who don’t believe the same as I do, and I don’t see the world exactly as they do.  And I don’t know what the right formula is for navigating all this is, but I feel like my relationships with these loved ones are just getting stronger and closer.  Many of them are familiar with the church and its culture because most of them grew up in it or have been around it.  I love that we can talk about it in general terms because they obviously know the structure and many of the same people as I do; we actually laugh about our funny culture a lot too.  But most of my friends and I don’t talk about actual doctrinal differences we have unless we’re one one-on-one and it comes up.  I love listening to them, truly love it.  But I never want to push religion.  Maybe it’s wrong, but as the one who is still in it, I want to defer to them and their comfort level.  And maybe that really is wrong.  Maybe I should be asking more questions and bringing it up.  And yet I never want them to think religion ever needs to be part of our friendship equation.  See? I have no idea. :)

It makes me so sad and a little irritated when people who have had loved ones leave say they don’t have anything in common or to talk about anymore. And yet I of course get it, I see what they’re saying; I just don’t feel the same.  Our particular religion is pretty consuming; it infiltrates nearly every aspect of our lives and plays into so many of our decisions, yes.  But there is a whole world around us to share.  Just because our religious beliefs tend to be a very large presence in our lives, we are still living in a very complex, beautiful, enriching, expansive time and world.  There is so very much to bind us together, to share, to talk about, and to experience with one another.  Let’s talk about trips we want to take, where we’ve lived, our hobbies, shows, books, articles, podcasts, passions, health trends, heartaches, parenting, disappointments, our upcoming graduations, being empty nesters, going back to school, retirement, our aging bodies, dreams, projects, kids, sports, music, concerts, recipes, school, jobs, grandkids, our pasts, our aspirations… goodness! Just like politics doesn’t have to come up, neither does religion.  And yet, if you’re that kind of friend or family, think how enriching it could be if we did allow for and expected and engaged in respectful and reciprocal sharing.

I just refuse to believe our differences—whatever they are in life—should become labels.  We’re seeing how detrimental and upsetting this has been in our current culture, and it’s no good.  I vote we shun anything or anyone who tries to make us adhere to such one-dimensional tags; we are more than churchgoers or avoiders, more than our political leanings, more than where we live, work, or visit, more than our upbringings and more than what people think they see.  We’re multi-faceted, fascinating, evolving, and emotional beings.  We have so much to experience and enjoy and learn during our short time on earth, and I would a million times rather do it all with an open mind and heart surrounded by people I love.  I long for a world and a life where we are more than our differences.  I just want to be friends.

Continuing Ed

Back when Todd was a vet student and we had baby Andrew, I felt that I needed to get a job to supplement our student loans.  Working turned out to be one of the biggest regrets of my life, but at the time I couldn’t see another clear option.  It was 1996, and so we didn’t even use email; the only thing I used our computer for was to write letters.  So working in those days, as far as I could tell, meant going to an actual job or selling things from home.  So I tried Discovery Toys and then Mary Kay.  Both were nightmares.  I hated trying to be a salesperson, I thought the products were way too expensive and almost completely unnecessary, I hated leaving Todd and Andrew, I avoided calls from my coaches, and I gave away more product than I sold.  I still have many of the toys from the Discovery Toys $100 start-up pack, so that wasn’t the worst.  But Mary Kay encouraged us to keep a hefty inventory, so I invested $1000 to get started.  It took little to no time for me to admit it was all a mistake.  But thankfully, they had a contingency plan for those like me who wanted to opt out.  We could sell our product back for 90% of what we paid for it, which is what I did.  As a consequence, I would never be allowed to sell Mary Kay again.  Which was perfect with me.

But I felt awful.  We lived on $1000 a month back in those days.  Our student loan checks for living expenses were about $4,000 a semester; so that was a substantial amount of money I’d used for this experiment.  I am still embarrassed about it, and I of course wish I had just been true to what I know about myself (ie selling is the last thing I want to do), but at the time I felt desperate to stay home with my baby and it was all I could think of that I could do; I would try anything in order to be with him.  And so I have this mark, this error, on my record and I wasted a ton of money and time trying to make these enterprises work.

But I eventually decided to relabel this and so many other “experiences,” mishaps, or mistakes as part of my continuing education.  Just like we’ve all paid hundreds and thousands of dollars for tuition throughout our college years, I feel like my post-collegiate days are still demanding something akin to tuition, and I’m paying it.  But I’m settling into the idea because life’s lessons unavoidably continue outside the classroom.  I’m constantly doing chemistry experiments within my home’s kitchen.  I’m writing and erasing and reconstructing essays, letters, notes, explanations, and blogs over and over and over.  I’m flailing at real-life math as I find myself being wasteful and overspending.  I’m still struggling to figure out the events of history and am grateful we don’t have graded fill-in-the-map exams anymore (although I like to test myself on the computer when no one’s around).  I just find that real life isn’t all that different from college, and so renaming my mistakes, refiling them in my head under continuing ed, assuages my guilt a little, but mostly permits me to accept that I’m simply still learning on the daily.

Just this week I was using a frozen ham bone from Christmas.  But I started on our split pea soup a little late.  So of course I simply turned up the heat to speed things up.  But as Todd came home from work and checked the pot, we realized all the water had been eaten up and I’d burned the pot black, along with the contents.  So we had eggs with our homemade bread instead.  I felt so embarrassed, I know better.  I should’ve started much sooner (but I hate cooking and am always procrastinating), and I already knew we all hate ham soup.  I was just trying to be healthy and to use up the ham bone, wasting vegetables and split peas and ruining our dinner in the process.  But I gave myself grace and let it go.

I was hasty as I was unpacking more items for the cabin’s kitchen.  We had so very much to do in a short weekend window, so I just pulled the crockpot out of its packaging only to hear it immediately shatter all over the kitchen tile.  I was again so embarrassed, mad at myself, and so disappointed.  Not only had I wasted our money, I was trying to make French Dip for us that night and was annoyed I’d ruined our plans.  But I told myself in any building or making project, there is excess, there is overage, scraps are a given.  It’s not unreasonable for us to waste a little in the process of building a cabin.  Sigh.  But this was a completely unnecessary expense.  I didn’t have to tell Todd what had happened, the whole house heard it.  But I did tell him how sorry I was and how ashamed I felt, to which he told me he’d had the workers order a whole new sliding glass door handle set for $170 simply because they couldn’t find the original one in all the mess.  He showed me the one we had found, in a mashed up box, a little too scratched to return, just wasted.

We’ve done that so many times with the cabin.  Not just a $30 crockpot or even $170 door handle.  We’ve had to get rid of couches we thought would work but are completely wrong no matter how we’ve tried to make them work in different rooms and both our house and the cabin.  I accidentally ordered a leather loveseat when I thought I’d ordered a navy one.  How do we return that mistake? We’ve lost or returned all the shower curtains, I can’t remember; so we’ve been showering without them when we’ve gone and I just ordered all new ones.  The eight lovely bar stools we got over a year ago are so sturdy and nice looking, but as we put them together, we realized how awful they look with everything else.  We might switch them out with our home ones because I dislike them there so much. The tile in the showers clashes with the tile we chose for the bathroom floors, which grates on me every time I see them, but there’s no way to undo all that.  Although we did at one point have our workers tear out showers with tile we thought we liked but that turned out all wrong.  So much waste.  But I tell myself, we’re amateurs.  It’s so hard for us to know how things will all look together, and we’re over four hours away, we can’t just pop in and check.  So we’ve made a lot of mistakes and wasted a ton of money.  And yet, we realize that’s just the cost of building and learning, and so we move on.

I’ve bought a lot of clothes over the years that I’ve eventually donated.  Usually thrifted items that I bought on a whim, but sometimes not.  I remember years ago just wanting a high-quality sweatshirt, just one good sweatshirt I could have for many years.  I’d bought others from my alma mater, but they got stretched out, the fuzz faded, a zipper broke, one is too tight so I never wear it.  I thought it I could just find the right one, I could finally be free from sweatshirt problems.  So I did my research and found one with all the good reviews.  It was nearly $100, which is crazy for me.  And I was so excited when it came.  Except it was awful.  The color was a dull gray (which I chose because I thought it would be versatile and neutral), thin with no fluff, and very, very durable (ie stiff).  I hated it.  But I tried to adopt it and like it, like an arranged marriage.  I resented it every time I had to wear it.  But because it was so expensive, I felt obligated to.  For like a year.  Finally, I just got so annoyed with my mistake I decided to get rid of it and just admit it wasn’t working.  Thankfully, I thought of a young friend who is more into rugged outdoor wear than I am, and she took it. I hope she is truly loving it.

I’ve also altered several items, hoping to make them work a little better.  I’ve bought trim that I’ve added to the bottoms of skirts and dresses to make them a little longer, some have worked, some were kind of a flop.  I’ve cut off jeans, some I’ve used, others I accidentally/hastily made too short.  I’ve even cut the neckline of a sweatshirt. I bought two pairs of grandma flannel pajama pants at an estate sale, so vintage and sweet but all stretched out.  So I got some elastic and replaced their waistbands… but they just weren’t good. I hadn’t realized at the time how worn and stained they were.  Sadly, I gave them away.

I also have shoes I’ve spent good money on that I just don’t love… I’m not sure what inspired or motivated me.

And of course I’ve had my share of crafty sewing projects, pillows I hand stitched but that I finally gave away because I didn’t like the fabrics after a few years.  I’m in the middle of a quilt I think I’ll also give away, a different technique I tried that I’m not in love with.  I’ve donated many an unfinished project to thrift stores with confidence that a more skilled crafter will come along, see the potential, and take them to their true level of beauty.

I had the uncanny ability to buy books that I end up hating.  There have only been a handful of books I’ve bought that I’ve truly liked.  Every now and then I’ll buy one at the real price for book group.  I have only ever liked one (and it was a used copy now that I think about it).  It is so weird and so typical that I have learned to only buy thrifted books or to use library books; I don’t trust myself.

Were these experiences, supplies, clothes, fabrics, ingredients, and dollars wasted?  I’ve taught myself to think of them differently. Sometimes I wonder if I was just the middle man.  Maybe it was perfect that we were able to give our friend a couple of couches or a hearty, built-to-last sweatshirt or a new blanket that I’d gotten for a great deal and toted around for years but always hated or the bathmat I thought we’d like at the cabin that looked awful.  Maybe that’s how I’ve learned to cook, because I’ve been making flops for over forty years.  How else am I going to know if a recipe is one I want to keep unless I try it?

I just think of it all like college.  We spent money on the opportunity to go to class.  We bought text books, calculators and other tools and supplies (like when I took a sewing class).  We spent time reading.  We got back tests we didn’t do that great on.  I even took a class over once.

I remember when I had little kids at home feeling guilty for leaving them for a week when we’d go to Todd’s continuing ed vet conferences.  And even more so when I’d go away to Education Week or read just for fun.  But I reframed that guilt and decided this was my continuing ed. This was my conference, these were my text books, the fabrics are my class supplies, the time I watch videos on how to make bread or sew are my lectures.  My exercise time is my p.e.  My lunch break is just as necessary now as it was when I was a student.  My part-time jobs then were to slice bread and give campus tours; now they’re painting the house or weeding the garden. But I still need time to study. :)

I just love how easy it is to let things go (after a moment of grief or upset) by simply using this reframe.  I am amazed—absolutely astounded—at how many mistakes I make, how much I waste, and the kinds of flops I’m a part of.  And yet, I’m learning to just switch it all up in my mind and just call them all by a different name.  For some reason, that’s made all the difference.  I’m less anxious about what will inevitably go wrong in a day and tell myself I’m simply still learning.

The Power of Words

Solemnly, people began to gather outside the mission president’s office. Exchanging astonished glances, many could still not believe that they had been summoned to a church court. The officers of the court were full of love and understanding, but very serious in their investigation of the charges; those present could lose their membership in [the Church]. The charge was not immorality or apostasy; they were accused of speaking evil of a neighbor.

A fine brother had been slandered by those gathered together that evening, accused of the serious charge of immorality. He was completely innocent, but the great damage that had been done by “those whom he counted as his friends” would not be easily repaired. Who could measure the near destruction of this good soul? Who could measure the impact on the branch, as its fellowship was eroded? And what about the effect on those nonmembers who also became involved? Who could ever undo the evil that had affected hundreds of lives?

It had happened so easily. It began with simple words… “Did you hear?”

(Gene R. Cook, “Gossip:  Satan’s Snare,” Ensign, Jan 1981)

Part 1:  How words affect us

A. Negatively

Can you think of a time when something someone said hurt you?  Think back to elementary school if you can.  Even going that far back, it’s not hard.  At least for me.  That’s how powerful words are.  

—It was jr high basketball for p.e. class, we got assigned to teams and one of the girls huffed and asked, “Why do you have to be on our team?”  Result:  Haven’t felt confident since and I’ve avoided sports as much as possible ever since.

—I was a freshman at BYU, it was a home football game, and a friend and I were walking up the stairs to meet our friends when I a guy say, “Those are two of the ugliest girls I’ve ever seen.”  Result:  Those guys didn’t know I’d questioned my looks my whole life.  They made it even harder by adding to those insecurities so that more than 30 years later I still don’t feel confident about my outer shell, I just try to focus on other things.

—I was president of an organization back when I was 26.  We had a 2 year old, I was working, Todd was in vet school, I was trying to figure out marriage and mothering and adult life hundreds of miles away from my family and friends.  There were major issues within the families we were trying to help and lead.  It was summer, we were preparing for girls camp and our camp leader pulled out, which left me scrambling to figure out what to do there.  I was due with my second baby any week.  My grandpa I was really close to had just died.  My sister got divorced.  Just kind of a busy time. Which is fine.  I could manage all that.  What made my calling so difficult was my presidency, of all things.  I discovered they’d all been talking about me behind my back and that they were being critical.  Result:  I felt incredibly insecure.  I couldn’t trust them, I didn’t feel united and it seemed that the girls could tell.  We were ineffective.  I was tentative.  I didn’t want to make any decisions and give them any more fodder to talk about.  Even when they threw me a baby shower, I didn’t know if it was genuine.  The lasting result? This experience has paralyzed me.  I never wanted to be in a position of leadership again.  It scared me to death to think of working in that capacity again.  Their words—even though they weren’t to me in person—shook any  confidence I could’ve had and the effects still linger more than 25 years later and have made me hesitant about ever being in charge of anything.

I’m not saying we can’t be strong and pull ourselves together and disregard what people say and focus on what God has to say to us instead.  Obviously that’s what we do.  All I’m saying is, as strong as our testimonies and faith may be, even with all the good Heavenly Father tells us about ourselves, idle words are still powerful and can have long-lasting repercussions.

Elder Holland asked us in Conference a few years back when he spoke on this topic, “Is this something we could all work on just a a little?  Is this an area in which we could each try to be a little more like a “perfect” man or woman?”

We’re taught “That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment” (Matt 12:36) and that “…our words will condemn us” (Alma 12:14).  Those reminders always makes me uncomfortable because, like feathers from a down pillow flying through the wind, I don’t know how to capture all the thoughtless things I’ve said in my life.  I have so many regrets, I know I’ve hurt so many people either carelessly or unknowingly or even on purpose when I’ve been tired or weak or hurt myself. I know I have room to improve.  Maybe most of us do.  But I also know it’s not hopeless and I know we can do better.

B. Positively

Can you recall some of the positive things people have told you over the years?  I honestly struggled with this.  I know I’ve received compliments or praise in the past, but I don’t know where I’ve put them.  I asked my husband for some examples, and he also drew a blank.

“But there’s a problem: the brain barely responds to our positive words and thoughts. They’re not a threat to our survival, so the brain doesn’t need to respond as rapidly as it does to negative thoughts and words.” (psychologytoday.com, “The Most Dangerous Word in the World”)  Studies differ, but scientists suggest we need anywhere from 3-20 positive interactions to combat the effects of one negative comment.

“I can live for two months on a good compliment.” (Mark Twain)  

Maybe it’s because my love language is words, but I can live for decades on a compliment.  (Maybe it’s because I can’t remember many so I have to hold on to the couple I know.)  But I do remember my 8th grade English class where our teacher praised an essay I’d written about the novel, 1984; she even read it aloud to the class.  It was such a small thing, but unknowingly, Mrs. Forrester was the catalyst to a life full of writing.  She helped me see something in myself that I had no idea I’d want to develop and would come to enjoy so much. Her simple words were a powerful force in my life.  And it’s because of the kind and encouraging words of others throughout my life that I feel confident in pursuing something I love so much.  So much power in something as small as words, you never know the impact they can have.  

Words can be powerful tools as we “succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees” (DC 81:5).

“One kind word can change someone’s entire day.”  I heard a great idea in a youth talk.  A mom wrote a short compliment on a sticky note each day and just stuck it on her daughter’s bedroom door.  I imagine most parents don’t think their teenagers would care that much about a little sentence on a sticky note.  But this daughter kept them all on the inside of her door until it was covered.  Brilliant!  With all the figurative negative sticky notes the world sticks on us all day, it’s comforting and strengthening to have someone you love and look up to tell you the good she sees in you.  I know I see good things in my kids all the time.  And I sometimes forget to say anything or point out what I notice.  I know we don’t need to puff up our kids by being fake and over the top, but genuine, specific praise helps us want to live up to what others see.  Keep in mind how many positives we need to express to repudiate just one negative.

Words build connections.  A meaningful letter that you save and re-read, an intimate talk with someone close.  Words can powerfully weld hearts together.

Part 2:  How we can be better stewards of our words and use them for good?

1.  Remember we’ve made covenants to be follow Christ and to help each other.  “…I have said these things unto you that I might awaken you to a sense of your duty to God…” (Alma 7:22).  Remember the words of our covenant, “Ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;  Yea and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all places that ye may be in…” (Mosiah 18:9)  In our theme for tonight we’re reminded to be diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times.  We’ve made covenants to love our neighbor as ourselves and to not bear false witness and to show our love for God, which always goes right back to loving His sons and daughters.

As we strive to keep our covenants and become better stewards of our words, we can always count on our Savior as our model.  He spoke calmly and peacefully, intimately and clearly.  He spoke from His heart and encouraged others to do the same.  You’d never, ever imagine Him saying anything that would put anyone in a bad light or with a small group of followers talking about the ones who used to be with them but have gone their own way.  He would never make light of another’s misfortune or do anything but offer help and love and support.  In everything we do, and especially say, we are always right when we follow Christ’s example.

2.  Look for and focus on the good in people. 

Most of us already know and feel the heaviness of our own shortcomings.  Most of us are dealing with something most people know nothing about.   The Lord expects us to give each other the benefit of the doubt.  We are usually safer assuming that every person we meet is doing the best she can.  Even when we feel we are fairly certain we know the situation and are pretty sure he’s not doing the best he can do, we just need to be kind.  Think of how you’d feel in a similar situation and consider how you can use words to help.  “Therefore, strengthen your brethren in all your conversation, in all your prayers, in all your exhortations, and in all your doings” and “Cease to contend one with another; cease to speak evil one of another… and let your words tend to edifying one another” (DC 136:23-24).

Sometimes we hardly realize what we’re doing.  I remember a lesson in RS back when we were first married that has stuck with me ever since.  I don’t know if the lesson was on this topic or not, but the teacher told how she and her husband would hang out with another couple or couples for an evening and then on the ride home together would talk about how the other couples did things, about their parenting methods, how they would do things differently.  After awhile this woman realized what they had been doing.  She said she loved these couples, they were their close friends, but she and her husband had been tearing them down by talking critically about them, even though they certainly didn’t have malicious intentions.  But that’s just it.  We have to be so careful, even when we’re talking with our spouses.  In most instances, we would be wise to simply hold our tongues when we have nothing good to say.

One of the destructive things I’ve seen is when youth talk about other youth or when we talk about the youth ourselves.  They are already trying to navigate some of the toughest years of their lives.  The last thing they (or their parents) need is neighbors or ward members talking about them, dissecting their lives, whispering about what they’re wearing or who they’re dating or whether or not they’re coming to church.  Instead, we can take note of all the good they do and exude love simply and easily with kind and supportive words. 

As followers of Christ, we should do nothing but focus on the good in others and support each other.  Look for the good and you will find it.  

3.  Be someone others can trust.

We need to become this kind of person so we can become effective instruments for the Lord.  He needs women who can listen and counsel and keep things to herself.  He needs priesthood holders at the helm that He can trust to keep confidences.  It’s crucial that He can count on us.

For me, this is a top priority in any relationship.  Not only with my husband, but with my kids and sisters and friends.  We want people in our lives we can depend on.  I have so much respect for the small circle of friends I know I can trust implicitly.  They are my go-to’s and I never had to remind them to keep something to themselves, they have never once let me down.  One couple we’re friends with has this almost as a mantra, “Your name is safe in our home,” and they live it, which totally inspires us and makes us want to be more like that.

I’ve heard some wise counsel over the years that can help us become more trustworthy:

Don’t say anything you wouldn’t want the person you’re discussing to hear or that you would be embarrassed about if they found out.  (They almost always do.)  Even if you aren’t saying anything, your presence in a conversation can be construed as participation. 

Ask, “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?”  Most of the time we get hung up on the fact that it’s true without bothering to consider if it were us, would we want it shared.  And really, is it necessary to share everything we know about other people?  I had a wise friend back in Illinois, years older than me, who—even though it was a constant at that stage of our life—simply didn’t share new pregnancy news.  She always said it wasn’t her news to share, and “How often do you get to tell people you’re pregnant?”  She never shared what wasn’t hers to tell.

We can ask ourselves, “What is my motive in sharing this?”  The teachers at our school use this all the time, “Is it helping or hurting?” when the kids are tattling on someone.  If someone hurts himself by falling off the slide, it’s helpful to walk him to the office and tell the secretary.  But it’s not necessary to tell the whole class.  Similarly, if someone you home teach lost his job, it’s helpful to mention that to the bishop in confidence.  But it’s not your place to tell the whole Elders Quorum.

Eleanor Roosevelt: “Great minds discuss ideas.  Average minds discuss events.  Small minds discuss people.”

Unless we are in a leadership position or truly in a relationship that would necessitate it, we should tread very carefully when people become the topic of our conversations.  But, even then, we should be very, very judicious and careful that presidency meetings don’t become gossip sessions.  I appreciated the way one RS president I worked with guarded private information.  She would simply mention there was a sister in the ward who was struggling and that we needed to pray for her.  She wouldn’t give us details about confidential issues, but she knew these sisters needed prayers. It feels good to know what’s going on in a ward, but I’ve realized that sometimes we use the umbrella of a presidency to share information that we don’t really need to discuss, that’s none of our business. 

“When I chided an acquaintance for not telling me that a couple we both knew had gotten divorced—something I thought would probably be common knowledge—her simple explanation put her on my people-you-can-trust list, and I immediately perceived her as a woman of honor and character.

“I just wasn’t completely sure if it was something they wanted discussed yet,” she said. I now knew that anything I told her would be kept confidential. Had she filled me in quickly on any details or, worse, conjecture, she unwittingly would have revealed that she was not careful with information.  (Name Withheld, Ensign, April 1998)

I think we can all relate with that.  When something serious comes up in our lives, maybe a delicate health or family issue, just something we don’t want everyone to know but that we need support with, we all of a sudden long for someone we can trust.  We all have friends we love being with, but I cling to the words of my patriarchal blessing, “Choose your close friends wisely.”  The best way I know to determine who I can trust is to pay attention to how they keep others’ confidences.

“Years ago I struggled for a time with some personal difficulties. I longed for someone I could really trust and talk to. I quickly eliminated those people I had heard talking about others, revealing confidences, and speaking carelessly. Was there anyone I could turn to? Finally I remembered a loving relative I could trust implicitly.

As we talked and I bared my heart, I knew deep in my soul that my words would never be repeated. How fortunate that during a difficult, challenging time I could find a warm, safe shelter, a caring individual who would treasure my confidence and guard my personal information. Many times since I have vowed to offer that same shelter and warmth for others.” (same)

3.  Use prayer.

We can start fresh every day, asking Heavenly Father to help us avoid the temptation to gossip, for the wisdom to know when to leave or switch gears in a conversation, to know what words to use to strengthen those around us and to know who needs us and when the timing is best to talk. 

4.  Finally, we need the Holy Ghost.  He will help us notice when we’re slipping or when the conversation is getting uncomfortable.  He will help us remember our covenants and prompt us to repent and give us courage to make amends when we’ve offended someone. 

Conclusion:

Our son is in Oxnard California.  What he loves the most about this area is the ward’s excitement for missionary work, obviously.  He told us in the last two years the ward he’s in has gone from around 80 to almost 180 attendance at Sacrament meeting.  I of course wanted to know what made the big difference.  He said that they focused on visiting and home teaching and missionary work of course, but then he told me something that surprised me and has stuck with me.  The bishop basically told everyone that they need to quit gossiping and getting offended and realize this isn’t a social church but they are literally God’s children.

When I read that his bishop had been so bold, I was a little surprised.  But then what I heard was an urgency, a call to put aside the pettiness and unChristlike behavior so that they could become what Heavenly Father needed them to be.  We are followers of Christ.  We have made covenants that we will take His name on us, that we will lift and help the people around us, not make life harder for them.  We don’t have time to waste on gossip or unkind words.  We are sons and daughters of God who should be so busy preparing for Christ to come again that the last thing we have time for is idle chit chat that does nothing but hurt people we love.  “…For the devil laugheth, and his angels rejoice” when we’re distracted from our divine purpose.

“Our words, like our deeds, should be filled with faith and hope and charity. With such words, spoken under the influence of the Spirit, tears can be dried, hearts can be healed, lives can be elevated, hope can return, confidence can prevail.” (Elder Holland, The Tongue of Angels, Ensign, May 2007)

I know Christ is real and that He is depending on us to be the disciples we’ve covenanted to be.  I know He will help us use our words to strengthen each other if we ask for His help and follow His perfect example.