I got a text from a girlfriend after three of us had spent the afternoon together, and it’s been on my mind ever since.
We were eating our ordered-in lunches at one of our kitchen tables; we’d laugh, then cry, then laugh all over again, just as we’ve done for years and years and years together. We have watched each others’ kids grow up as we’ve shared the pains of parenthood, church, work, health, extended families and relationships with each other over so many hours in each others’ homes. I honestly can’t believe the difficulties they have faced; we’ve felt such tenderness together. But the hardest of all they share is when they’ve been misunderstood or judged when people don’t know what’s really going on or why they’ve made the decisions they have.
Her message just said she was grateful that she could tell us things and never feel any judgment, just love. It touched my heart that she would feel that. I remember her telling me on one of our drives together who she could trust as friends. She counted on one hand.
I have friends in other parts of the world who have felt so betrayed, discarded, and misunderstood by the women in their lives. I know these women intimately; they’ve been some of my closest friends for decades, and I know their hearts as well as I know mine. I have spent so many hours listening to them share their experiences, crying with them, hearing the pain of feeling misread, of other women shutting them out because of differences or circumstances they know nothing about.
What I’ve realized is that judging is only a problem when we don’t know someone. Because once we’ve gotten past the surface, once we’ve discovered who she is and what she’s going through and what her life experiences have been and are, it’s the most natural thing in the world to just love her, to understand her pain, to express empathy for her heartaches, to laugh at the absurdity of life with her, to want to be a true friend, to draw her close and just be a soft place for her. It seems to me that judgment stems from assuming we know more than we do about another person’s story. Most of the time we’re simply not privy to much at all. And all we’re left with is what we can see. But how often does the outside convey what’s really happening inside another person’s home or family or head or heart? How likely are we to show the truth ourselves?
I’d say every single girlfriend I have looks like she has everything going for her. They are amazing, strong, competent, beautiful women who are raising stellar families, who contribute to their communities and organizations they believe in; they’re dependable, easy, fun, and optimistic, just lovely and loving women. For sure. But every single one has heartache. Every single one. They all struggle with something and more likely, lots of things, whether it’s the family they grew up in, their kids, marriages, finances, feelings of self worth and belonging, faith questions, health issues, infertility, pornography, death of those close to them, balancing work and family, questioning what their purpose is, feeling overwhelmed and discouraged, anxiety, loneliness, on and on, just everything that goes along with regular life. Some I know better than others, and the ones I have known only superficially still look like they have it all handled in my mind until we’re able to spend more time together. Nothing surprises me any more, these women have been through it all.
Fortunately we likely have friends who know us up-close, who have made the effort to spend time with us, who genuinely care what we worry and are concerned about, who are trustworthy and not threatened by our differences but instead ask about our lives and perspectives, friends who simply personify love; we know how safe and reassuring and secure it feels to have this kind of support. We’re allowed to just be where we are, uncensored, unfiltered, authentic, raw, just the real us without needing to show up in an acceptable, put-together way. What a joy and comfort to know we’re safe in their company and that what we share will be guarded and accepted, not judged or thrown about.
It is a sacred responsibility to be this kind of friend. And such a privilege to be invited into someone’s heart. But until we are, we can offer grace and peace to those around us by assuming the best in others and by acknowledging that, even though we don’t know the specifics, there is likely something painful or difficult or embarrassing or overwhelming that they’re struggling with. I’ve felt connection grow as I’ve been a little more vulnerable throughout the years, even though of course it sets me up to being judged. But it’s worth it because it seems to somehow give permission to others to do the same. It feels reassuring to know we’re not the only ones struggling through life. And to be able to share our hearts without the threat of judgment feels amazing.
So going forward, I think we can all do just a little better. We can make more of an effort to safeguard what’s shared with us, we can assume the best in others, and we can leave judgment out altogether (while of course being wise and instilling boundaries if needed). But what seems to have been most helpful is to simply spend time with each other and get beyond the superficial. Be the kind of person she can trust and then prove it to her over and over and over. Invite, include, reach out, uplift, speak kindly of everyone and never give the impression of judgment in the slightest. All this boils down to is just loving others.
I have spent a lot of time with one of my favorite friends talking and texting and I cherish this, “There’s nothing to do. Just love me.”
I’ve thought about what profound advice that was. And is as we apply it to this conversation. We have nothing to lose by simply loving people, by giving them the benefit of the doubt, by being a safe person in their lives, by letting down our own guard and pretenses and allowing others to be vulnerable yet secure by accepting them where they are, regardless of what we perceive their lives to look like.
