My entire school years were shrouded by insecurity and jealousy. As sure as I had white, freckly skin, I had a jealous soul. And what a burden it was!! It tainted so many decisions and relationships; it felt like noticing an eyelash stuck under my contact in the middle of algebra, irritating but seemingly unresolvable at the time. With this background in mind, I was giving one of my pep talks to the kids while we were driving just the other day. But you know how kids are and how things like this often go, they ended up teaching the lesson instead.
I lose track of details like context, but basically we were talking about their friends at school and I was telling them it’s not good manners to tell who they got together with over the weekend or who came to play. Unless someone asks them directly, it’s not polite to just to throw information out there. You just wouldn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, they may feel left out if other friends got together and they weren’t invited. Pretty straight-forward doctrine I thought.
But that’s where it turned on me. Without pause, they corrected me. “I’d be happy if my friends got together. I want them to have fun together.” They both concurred, “Yeah, it’s fun for them.” Completely blindsided me. I couldn’t believe they didn’t get what I was talking about. I knew their dad lived like that, but I thought he was an outlier. I figured most kids naturally grow up with the same mindset I had, fettered and encumbered by friendship triangles and dramatic altercations. But for whatever reason, our kids have never really been affected the way I had been.
Somehow in just one generation, things have apparently turned downside up. Of course I was surprised at their declarations, but more than anything I was elated! Thrilled beyond words that my kids aren’t weighted down by the same insecurities I’d been tethered to my whole life. They are completely unshackled and relaxed. What a blessing to be so liberated at such a young age, and what a healthy perspective.
As I mulled over their angle, and then as we finished our drive, I recognized something that surprised me even more than what they’d just told me. I agreed with them. I realized I didn’t feel that way anymore either. I am happy when different groups of friends get together. I love it when good things happen to people I care about. In fact, I pray for it. I hope for their successes and well-being. I’ve prayed many times for my friends to find other friends, to be invited and included. I’m truly astonished that I can say this. Because it’s been such a long and arduous odyssey. One I’m not sure is entirely over some days.
Because on some level, I’m still occasionally at odds with my natural tendency, maybe like a recovering alcoholic for whom drink might still turn his head in an insecure moment. I’ll admit I may have a few strings attached to my former weakness, and every now and then a social news rundown still conjures up feelings of rejection or wonderment as to why I hadn’t been invited too. But it isn’t as consuming or heartbreaking as I made it back when I was their age, and I try to reframe it all and be glad for friends who are mingling without me. Even this small mindful advancement catches me off guard when I really take stock of where I’ve been. I haven’t arrived, but with my kids up ahead, I feel them silently cheering me on, not realizing the influence their quiet confidence has on me.
It sort of blows my mind that they’re so at ease with themselves and their social network. So calm and level where I would’ve been teary and down on myself. They simply shrug their shoulders when there’s drama surrounding them, and we’re on to the next topic. I admire this so much, they inspire me and remind me that theirs is a better way. It’s not as if all is rosy with friendships; jr. high and high school inescapably require figuring out relationships and navigating some rough patches. But I love that they somehow got a head start, that they don’t seem to worry about the same things that have impeded me for so much of my life. And I am humbled. Grateful for our kids who, like yours, continue to remind me to open my heart, to be vulnerable and accepting, kids who are the real educators in our family.
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