I was thinking it would a good idea to look back on the past year to see where I’ve come from, what I’ve learned, and what I’ve decided to carry with me into the next year. But the past few years all sort of blend together, so maybe I'd take it back a few years. In no particular order here’s what I’m learning.
People are in our lives to love. That’s it. And to learn from I think. I don’t know that we should expect all that much. I’m learning to just meet people where they are and accept what they have or want to give—and truly just be ok with that. With our kids maybe it’s different, we are teaching them, and so we expect them to say thank you and to help out and to tell us where they’re going etc. And I think it’s reasonable to expect a spouse to support the family unit equally alongside us. But as far as friends and grown up family members and even spouses needing to meet our needs or to show up in certain ways for us to love them, maybe not. Maybe they’re just here for us to love exactly the way they are. It relaxes me to think of it all this way, to not expect friends to be or do anything, to just accept and love my kids and Todd exactly as they are. Ahhh… so much easier to just worry about my own stuff.
I’m learning so much as I enter a new realm of mothering, which is ironic because I’m doing and supposed to do way less than I’m used to doing. But I’m quite certain that I want to be simply a resource, a cheerleader, an escort, a mentor. I don’t want to get into my kids’ business, and I don’t want to be a meddling mother who’s always giving advice—as hard as that is to admit. I’m also recommitting to keeping confidences, rejecting drama, and respecting individuality.
I’m learning to be just fine with everyone being on their own journey, including members of my own family. This has been one of the hardest lessons I’ve been dealing with the past few years because I feel like this is my work and that I should have some influence here. But I recognized long ago that it’s mostly done from afar and that no one wants to be told anything. I have so many, many chances to practice remaining quiet and to just let everyone decide on their own, something I have been good at as a mother of younger children but that I’m relearning now that the stakes are higher. It is very freeing but sometimes tricky as a parent because we naturally have some thoughts about how it all should look. I’m not awesome at this, but I believe the first step to improving is recognition. Check.
I am grateful to have friends and family all around me who are at different places in life and who trust me with their feelings about it all. I’m grateful that they accept me for who and where I am and are respectful even as we see life differently. I’m learning how valuable these relationships are as we all try to make sense of life and are deciding how we feel about things. I treasure these friendships more now that I ever have, not in spite of our differences, but because we’re comfortable in our differences and with each other. I’m grateful for this comfort and trust we have with one another.
This is one of the most interesting discoveries of the past few years. The more I learn about our Savior, and the more often I try to consider his angle and practice loving like he loves us, the less judgmental I’m becoming toward myself and others, and the less I care about our differences. It’s as if the names and divisions we’ve created are meaningless. I am simply interested in what Christ has taught and what he’s teaching me personally. The more I learn about him, the more I just want to love people, the more I care about what’s going on in their lives, and the less I care what it all looks like. The more I learn about him, the more I notice discrepancies between where I have been and am and where I want to be. But I’m calm and gentle with myself because I feel his love so deeply; I am sure of it. It’s precisely his love and unconditional tenderness that allows me to grow in patience and to be loving as I support others.
So I guess my overall lesson from the past few years is one of letting go. Of thinking I have all the answers or need to have even most of them. Of thinking anyone’s business could possibly be mine. Of worrying about where anyone else is on his or her journey. Of wondering what people are thinking of me. Of thinking about myself so much. Of being tethered to what I conceive as my shoulds. Of fretting about what or where I need to be professionally or otherwise to feel like my contributions are sufficient and just appreciate having kids around for a couple more years. Of being rigid and exact and unyielding. Of unrealistic expectations for myself or anyone else. Of a desire to hang on too tightly and worry needlessly about money or time and instead be more present and generous and hopeful. Of holding back love, praise, vulnerability, ideas, faith. It’s in letting go that I’m learning what matters to me.
And it always goes back to relationships. If nothing else, this is what I’m learning. That people matter more than anything. More than meetings or money or looking a certain way or our endless lists or a clean house or an expectation. Our connections with our kids matter more than what they decide to be or do—or not be or do; I believe what’s needed more than anything else is straight up love and acceptance. Our associations with others are up to us to decide about. We may need to rethink who we allow in our lives, which may entail using some boundaries; a blood line or history with a person is never permission to mistreat. Our relationship with ourself is worth making a top priority and may require asking ourselves some tough questions and honestly assessing what we believe and think and do. It seems to me that this is the toughest of all our relationships to be real about. I am learning to be still with myself and others, to just sit, to be, to listen. I’m learning the power of being vulnerable and authentic with myself and others and how that creates relationships that feel safe and trusting. I’m learning that we all just want to be heard and known, I want to being the kind of person that will listen more.
I can’t say I’ve nailed any of this, not even close. But I’m learning that I need to be more accepting and loving with myself and others as I try. I’m getting better at allowing myself to change and to be human. And I’m discovering that the more I do that with myself, the better I am at allowing others to do the same.
And so I look forward to our decade ahead. There’s nothing comfortable about discovering a new segment of our lives needing attention, another weakness to overcome, a habit needing to be broken or started. It takes concerted effort to act on what we’re what learning, but I’m so thankful for another year, and hopefully another decade, to continue making an intentional attempt.
