I was wiping down the oven and made my way to the side of the fridge where my mom lists are. But after all these years of re-writing it, trying different configurations, making individual lists on sticky notes right there on the kitchen counter, I think I’m just going to be done. I ripped the chore list off the fridge and didn’t just toss it into the trash; I crumpled it ceremoniously.
I had to go back to what the purpose of chores is. Obvious. I just want my kids to know how to work. The last thing I want is to raise slackers who will be a burden to future roommates and spouses. I want them to recognize what it takes to keep a house running, to know how to take care of their possessions and areas, to notice when there’s something needing to be done.
And yet despite my best intentions, I have felt like a failure in this department in recent years. When the kids were little and home more, it was easier, matter of fact, routine.
But these days I’m the absolute worst at enforcing chores. And so is Todd. He, because he’s never around. Me, because I am. And I see their crazy lives. They leave at 6:30 every weekday morning, and Fridays they usually have work till 7, go out with friends and get home at 11. Most Saturdays in the summer B has to be downtown by 7 to make/sell crepes at the Farmers’ Market and works the afternoon shift at Great Harvest. Callum also heads out early in the summer to get his lawns done before he also works the afternoon at Great Harvest. Until just recently C worked at the gymnastics club and B at a local pizza place on top of their other jobs. They also do cross country and track and have rigorous school schedules. So I’m seeing all their comings and goings and get it. They’re hardly ever home. But when we finally gather at night I see B up till 11 with her flashcards, C in bed with his scriptures… I take it all in.
Am I being soft? Perhaps lazy? Should I push harder and be the parent?
Callum was unexpectedly home for maybe 2 hours yesterday afternoon, so I told him now that his mowing was done for the season he could put away the trimmer, mower, etc. that had been sitting on our driveway for the past seven months, which he did. But then I suggested it would be the perfect time to get his chores done since he’d be leaving at 5:30 the next morning to go hunting with work all afternoon then his fancy dance all night. He said he should’ve stayed gone.
I remember a similar exchange with an older son many years ago. I’d be on him to get finish his scouts, to look for scholarships. Until he confided it was why he stayed away so much. Which is precisely when I let it go.
So here I am again. I’m done dealing with a list of chores.
Because here’s what I see happening. They clean out their vehicles every weekend and go through the car wash regularly, they get their oil changed on their own, they pay for their gas and phones and entertainment and most of their own clothes. Their beds are made every morning, they do their laundry, their rooms are unusually tidy for people their age, their drawers are organized, clothes are hung and folded according to category. They empty and load the dishwasher, clean up after dinner, mow, plow, and help with yard and house remodeling projects. They’re never here mostly because they’re working their real jobs, at which they do dishes, bathrooms, floors, trashes, counters, etc.
It occurred to me that they are learning to work. They’re not exactly slackers. They’re learning the value of money since they’re earning it themselves and have to buy so much on their own. They’re noticing what needs to be done partly because their employers have taught them. I know they like to do a good job and take pride in their work because we’ve talked about different work styles.
But I was getting hung up on them not doing their dusting and vacuuming, wiping down the cupboards and appliances, the stuff I actually love to do. I spent a good chunk of yesterday doing that type of housework and was in my glory. I actually hated giving those jobs to them because I love them so much, but I was intent on teaching them to work.
But here’s the bottom line. I feel like they’re getting it. And I feel like they’ll continue to learn. Living with roommates will be a life lesson all of its own. They’ll have to decide if the person they eventually date to marry will have the same ideas about keeping up a house and whether they’re willing to accept whatever that is. They’ll have to use their eyes to see what needs to be done when they’re in charge of their own homes. We’ve all been there; we’ve all adjusted and figured it out. I’ve just noticed how much easier life is when our homes are orderly and tidy, how good it feels when items have a specific place, how centering and calm it feels when it’s clean, how a good work ethic is possibly one of the most important traits a person can have. I guess I just want the kids to want that too and to know what to do to achieve it. I want them to be valuable employees who put in an honest day’s work and who notice what needs to be done without being told. I want them to appreciate what it takes to keep up a household. I want them to be responsible and to be hard workers. I think we all want this for our children.
So even though the chore chart is no more and the formality of a checklist is in the past, I feel ok about it. Because even though we’re maybe giving up by tossing out a tradition that’s been in place for decades, I feel that it’s time. I feel like it’s been time for a while now actually. I think in a round-about sort of way they’re learning what we hoped for all along. Which has been a lesson for me as I think about other parts of life. The past few years I’ve felt more free to let go of prescribed practices that are simply A means to an end rather than the only way to get there. Loving it. This feels good.
