Wish lists

I was writing a list in my journal just the other day, maybe in response to some of the issues and questions and concerns I had swirling around in my head, maybe a way of being proactive, sort of solutions in a way.  I labeled it What I Want.  It was fast, nothing important, just if I could wish for whatever I wanted at that moment.  Most of it was trivial stuff, but it reminded me of a list I made years and years ago.  I pull it out every now and then and realize it’s still the crux of what I really want.  That list was in response to a phrase in the scriptures I’d read, a question Christ asked, “What desirest thou?” I wonder if it would be helpful for all of us to take a quiet moment and really ask ourselves what we want, from the season, from our lives.  At the time I was just dreaming, holding nothing back, and so I just wrote honestly.

Here’s my list from earlier this week, just—like I said—in response to the day and my current thoughts.

—clothes that are me, that are effortless, so I can get dressed and not have to think about myself all day (Don’t you hate when you just feel blah and realize you hate the outfit you’ve chosen? Kind of makes you feel uncomfortable all day. At least that’s how I am.  Happens often. This is an area I definitely need to work on.)

—to find the perfect pair of silver earrings so I can toss out all the others

—someone to set up visits for me and I’ll totally go, I just hate bugging people.  I guess I just figure if they wanted us, they’d come and tell us.  I so respect agency. I’m torn.

—to finish up my Christmas cards, I hate things like that hanging over me, I guess in this one way I’m a little ocd, I like errands done, I like things out of my house, I hate clutter and unfinished business hanging around

—to finish the sewing project I’ve got all over the house and that the dogs keep rubbing their noses in; I’m getting there

—to feel like we did in Maine—I miss our closeness and being together all the time

—to figure out my hair—sigh.  I hate that I have to color it, I don’t know how to make it look right.  I don’t know how to get it to look like my Pinterest pictures.

—to write meaningful blogs

—to know if I should consider foster care

—or if I should follow my heart and work with the homeless teens? I’m so scared about both

—to know what else I could be doing for the women around me

—to share my love for Christ and for my friends to share their feelings about religion openly with me, I just want to listen and understand.

—to feel peace and joy of Christmas

—to read Christmas stories with our scriptures at night as a family

—to get into cross country skiing with Todd (but so expensive to start…)

—to lose some of the squishy-ness in my tummy

I think we might all have daily lists like that, just things we’re grappling with at the moment. It actually was helpful to acknowledge what I’d been stewing over subconsciously.  Most of these items I really can do something about.  And so I might do that again when I need to unravel what’s going on inside.

And here’s my list from at least a decade ago, the small paper is tattered and well-read.  I actually love reading it every so often. Because I feel so much the same even today, all these years later.  It must’ve etched itself in my brain because I look back after a long, long time of not reading this list and realize I’m still wanting the same things, these are all things I’m striving for.  Interesting.

What Desirest Thou?

—to serve meaningful each day

—to help my family feel loved and cared for

—to be a scriptorian

—to be humble

—to develop whatever gifts and talents I have

—to hear the counsel of the Lord clearly in my own life

—to overcome jealousy

—to have a stack of gift cards to give away (so Todd really did give me this gift one year for Christmas—it was so fun!!!!)

—to read 1-2 hours a day (!)

—to be a good cook (healthy, confident, tasty)

—to have my family desire to serve and for us to see opportunities to serve

—to share the love of Christ

—to be charitable

—to quilt again

—to feel beautiful :) (since I was going big, decided I might as well throw that in)

I just wonder if we ever spend even a few minutes talking with ourselves about this.  Yes, we write our goals every year, maybe through work, maybe for a school assignment, maybe because mom makes us get out our journals.  But this is just a little different.  It’s probing ourselves, taking a look at the essence of what we want if we could just wish or be or do.  A list like this can serve as an umbrella for those goals, a vision from which we can work.  Anyway, just an idea since we’re making a million lists anyway this month.  (Have I mentioned I love lists and have a book of them?)