The mother load

I was talking to a friend about this, just acknowledging there might be a reason we’re a little harried, distracted, and certainly tired as the moms of the family especially at this time of year.  It’s just that our brains are wired to think about everything, sometimes all at once. That’s just being a woman.  I guess we were maybe talking about Christmas preparations, but we laughed as we started into other areas of life that we tend to visit all at the same time.  Maybe you’re like us and get a little overloaded when you really think about what you’re thinking about. 

Every now and then I’ll make myself a list in my journal, just a mind-emptying exercise that I hope my daughters will find amusing and hopefully helpful someday. In no order, except maybe things that I’d been dealing with more recently.  I’m good, I’m not having a crisis.  I just share this kind of stuff because I think we as women have a lot of the same things going on in our heads and it’s interesting to share with each other.  It really is like dumping out the contents of the purse I’ve been carting around all week, no rhyme or reason, just a collection of receipts and gum wrappers, a broken pencil and a couple tubes of lipstick.  Nothing fancy, no order.  Here’s what fell out this time. 

—Identity theft, should we get a policy? Up to $300/year per person, what?  Been haunting me, so I did some research. I’m leaving it on the shelf for now because it makes me uptight and anxious that we even have this these days.  And it’s money.  You know how I am.  Not a risk taker.  But it’s money.

—Been thinking about looking into new insurance, what a pain, but I keep hearing good things, we spend so much on it, if we can save even a bit…

—Why on earth do I get myself into situations like this, just feeling dumb that I committed to something I didn’t have in me to follow through with the morning of. The house was in complete disarray (we’d just gotten home with our tree after 8, it was 11 by this time), and I hadn’t cleaned or cooked a thing.  Sigh.

—My tires are bad.  But I just paid to have them rotated.  And I trusted their professional judgment.  But I’m a commoner and I can even tell they don’t have much tread left.  Good grief.  I love snow.  I hope for no snow.

—Feeling beyond guilty about all the people I don’t know that I should’ve met by this point in my calling a year later.  Feeling glad I only have two years left.  I already have suggestions for my replacement.  I hope they ask.

—Feeling dumb that I don’t even think to do the things other missionary moms do for their kids.  12 Days of Christmas, what?!  (ps I love that Todd’s sisters are asking me for our son’s address so they can send him Christmas cards; I never even thought of that.  Where is my head?)  I’m so fine with it though.  A letter every week or so, an email every Monday, a package for Christmas, another for his birthday, he knows how we roll.  All good.

—Relationships. With friends. And family. Todd. The ones I used to have.  You know, just everything I care about most in the world.

—Todd’s work.  Taxes.  What it will look like next year, I hate not knowing what we’re getting into.  He wants to do a budget.  That makes me nervous.  We’re not good at that.  At all. It just concerns me that he thinks we need to try one again.

—We’re not doing Light the World.  We’re dim candles this year.  We watch the videos, we read the ideas.  We do nothing.

—Ward Christmas party, couldn’t wait to have it over.  I’ve done a million lunches and dinners (some intimate, others up to 600), but I’ve never had to be the boss of one, I hate being in charge of anything. Expectations.  Hearing about others, I felt embarrassed.  I hadn’t even thought about inviting Santa.  But I remember him being a part of every ward party I’d ever been to.  Where was my head?? My sister’s ward did Feliz Navidad.  Why didn’t we think of that? I love Mexican food!

—Feeling a huge burden with money—windows, siding, doors, blinds, oh my.  I also love it all so much.  As I hate that I have to think about it so much.  I feel like it’s always facing us, this house, yet it’s really not what matters most to us.  And yet I love what’s happening.  So it’s weird.  Feeling anxious because I need to get them all painted before the blinds can get installed.  Feeling torn, do I work on that, my Christmas stuff, my sewing project or do I just read by the fire and enjoy the season?

—Afraid to eat because I’m at my biggest I’ve ever been (just had my semi-annual weighing at my oncology check up).  But I’m always hungry.  Is it my meds? My brain? Do I push through the hunger or eat a little snack?  Do I welcome my new normal and tell myself it’s all muscle or do I do one of those lettuce diets? For what? For who? 

—Feeling the heaviness of the world, the environment, politics, etc., what can one little person do?  I think partly this comes from our daughter talking about her genocide class and partly just seeing the news.

—Division that religion causes, why????  I LOVE talking about religion and I love hearing about what other people think, why do people have to get so upset about it all?  Makes me so sad. Especially because I honestly think we’re all saying basically the same thing: that we should love more.

—I feel like curling up in a ball and staying home. Well, not really the ball part.  I just want to bow out of socializing every now and then and retreat.  And putter in my own house alone. I love being home so much.  It’s emotionally safer to bow out of all that out there.

—Why do I have good ideas?  No one wants them.  Least of all Todd. ;)  I’m just not sure why I feel like a highway is running through my head, what good is that if I can’t execute them? :)

—all the foods I have to make for activities this week, totally fine, just a little note to myself

—Our daughter told Todd and me to stop bickering one Sunday because she’s afraid we’re going to get a divorce! (That actually made us laugh out loud. One, she has no idea what fighting is like in some families.  Two, I think it’s important to just be real and to disagree and to work things out in front of the kids so they know what real marriage is like.  Well, at least one real marriage, I’m sure other parents agree with each other way more than we do.  Three, Todd and I were decorating for Christmas with the kids and everyone had different ideas, that’s just the way it goes.) 

But topping the list is Christmas.  

—Making it magical.  Remembering all the traditions.  But not the ones we’ve outgrown.  Assessing which ones those are.  Who knew gingerbread men were in, lights are out?  Wanted to get rid of our Christmas Eve exchange, everyone else voted to keep it.  

—Making sure our kids know what’s really important.

—Helping them buy for others.  While at the same time teaching them it’s not about the gifts.

—Remembering all the people we want to remember.  It never occurred to me until this morning in my dark slumber that we should do something for the families we minister to.  Caren, seriously?

—I keep hearing about my friends doing their “Christmas Baking.”  I’m not really that kind of mom.  We made sugar cookies (for ourselves) last Sunday.  And gingerbread men for the tree (the rest have been sitting in glass jars for weeks.) But that’s the extent of it.  I’m trying to think of what I’d bake, what are Christmas treats I know about? What would we do with them? My kids don’t like the stuff I make; I finally threw out the chocolate chip and sugar cookies that’d been sitting there all week and gave them to the chickens.  We don’t do neighbor gifts, everyone’s on some sort of diet, and where would I even begin?

—Remembering every night to do a Christmas scripture before we do a story.  I’m always doing this on the fly, why can’t I figure this out during the day?

—What to make for desserts this weekend? No one wants anything except ice cream.  It’s my birthday.  I like brownies and hot fudge.  Is that Christmas-worthy?  Why haven’t I figured out what we have to eat at Christmas time yet?

—I wonder if we should do something fancier for Christmas than a frozen Costco lasagna?  We did prime rib one year, no one liked it except Todd and Andrew.  A complete waste of money.  Everyone likes lasagna at least.

—Buying more Christmas cards on December 22nd.  That’s just weird.  But awesome for me because I hate making decisions; and with a picked-over selection, that one just got easy.

—Running out of pictures.  Another decision: do I order more or just tell them all we look the same as last year pretty much? Or just pretend there was no picture to begin with?

—I did the unthinkable and made a list in my journal (shocker), adding up everything we’d spent this Christmas season.  I can’t get over it.  I honestly can’t believe how much has gone out of this house.  I told Todd we’ve got to pare down next year; he says we just need to plan for it.  Good grief.

—One of my favorite parts of all: reading those cheesy Christmas romances.  Finding time for those.  And our new puzzle we just started.  And of course Hallmark.

—Finger foods! I almost forgot the Little Smokies.

—Walmart! I avoid it at all costs.  But December 22nd we were there, filling our cart.

—Remembering the people I always forget.  We got our mailman Dots pretzels.  Not much, but I’m so glad we thought of that, I’ve never done that in my life.  So fun for us.  I always forget their teachers for some reason.

—Reminding our kids to spend their to-be-given-away-however-you-want money. I don’t think this tradition is having the effect we intended.  Good grief.

—Analyzing stocking contents: should it be based on number or value?

—Keeping a running tally of how much we’ve spent on each kid.  Again, are we talking value or actual dollar amount spent? 

—Calling it.  Enough.  Even as I’m just getting warmed up and ideas are coming to me finally!

—Todd wanted to go out and do a little shopping.  It was weighing on him.  Rudely, before I thought about how it would come across, I remarked, “Yeah, you have no idea.” Of course he doesn’t.  He’s busy earning all the money I’m spending, meeting every week trying to get the business arrangements settled, taking care of the cows and farm stuff and trimming windows and doors every spare moment.  The last thing he should have to worry about is the Christmas stuff.  But it’s cute that he wants to do something special for us.  I love that.  I know he’s working on a secret handmade project as well, he’s got plenty to think about.

So I’ll carry the Mother Load.  As most of us women do at this time of year.  And yet, I think we can reframe what we’re doing and make it all more joyful, less heavy.  I love that we get to see it all play out so much. I feel blessed to be in a front-row seat, to have played a support role in making it magical and fun for our family in tiny ways.

I love the centered feeling of rolling out dough with the kids, I love that it reminds us of their childhood and simpler times.

I love choosing meaningful Christmas stories.  We’ve read about the Christmas Orange, the Gift of the Magi, and the Candy Bomber.  I have a couple books full of beautifully illustrated vintage pictures that we read from every year.  I love the short stories in our church magazines.  I love talking about what we’ve read. I know they don’t remember them beyond our prayer, but it’s comforting to gather, to be the one who sees that we do this.  One of my favorite parts of the day.

I love Christmas concerts!  I loved going to the bell ringers in an old church downtown one blustery Sunday afternoon.  I loved listening to our son play his saxophone and friends singing at school all decked out in black and Christmas.  Takes me right back to high school, reminding me of the energy and excitement I had for music even back then.  I can’t get over the circle of life, how surreal it is to sit in a high school gym as the mom.  When I feel like the kid.  I love that the decorations are still kind of the same, the kids remind me of the ones at my school, the directors are a lot like the ones we had.  What’s not to love?

I love that they like Elf and Home Alone and While You Were Sleeping.  I love reliving my own childhood with them as we cuddle and watch the same shows I watched at their age.  I love that they’ll watch Hallmark movies with me.

I love that I’m required to really think about my kids.  With a limited Christmas budge, what do they really need, what are they into right now, how can we show them that we know and care about their current lives as we buy a few symbols of our love?  It’s tough sometimes, but it’s always a good exercise for us.

I love buying them traditional foods like Egg Nog and chocolate milk and orange juice and making butterscotch rolls and frog eye salad and cranberry jello.  I think it’s little things like that help the season feel special, different from everyday life.  I love playing a part in that.

The music.  Oh how I love the music!!!! But I’m so sick of our Pentatonix holiday station.  And even my beloved Carpenters are grating on me.  It’s been a long Christmas season with my background stations on all day as I’ve been sewing and doing cards.  So I’ve switched things up to my Peaceful Holiday station; that’s my speed right now.  And yet I can listen to Bronwyn play songs on the piano all day.  I love the up close and personal feeling, the old fashionedness of the piano right there in our living room.

I could go on and on. The list of loves is so much longer than the list of have-tos when we really think about it. I love Christmas.  I just think if we tweak our thinking, if we see our to-do lists as simply reminders of ways we want to show love to the people we care about, it will change everything.  There’s no one way to do Christmas, it doesn’t even have to look the same year after year.  There’s no rule that we have to bake or send cards.  We don’t have to even send gifts.  We can bow out of a lot, but I suggest we do things that bring us and our families joy.  Even though it takes some effort.  If that special dessert everyone looks forward to takes a bit of time, but you love making it and everyone counts on it, put on some non-annoying Christmas music and relish the time in the kitchen.  If one of your favorite family traditions is sleeping under the tree, gear up and go for it.  If you love getting in your pajamas with hot chocolate to see the lights, make a point to do it.  Yes, it’s a super full month, jam packed.  But, like my wise friends have expressed, that’s the fun of it.  We can love all the parts, it’s the most enchanting time of the year.  I just think when we reframe it all and delight in the traditions instead of bemoaning the expectations, our Mother Load is lightened.