I’ve deleted more than a few posts of mine recently. In fact, I’m hesitant when I post much of anything anymore. I’ll write out my thought. Erase parts of it and edit again. And yes, often delete even it’s been up for awhile because I’ve decided someone could take it wrong. It’s just sort of a turmoil in my head. Because I question my intention. Even for the simplest things I share. I wonder how they’ll be received and I second-guess my motives.
In my mind, I just figure Facebook is a place where I can theoretically grab a friend enthusiastically, link arms, and pull her over to San Diego’s ocean front at the edge of Sunset Cliffs so we can get a good view on what’s happening together. I’m anxious to show her what God’s made and done. I can barely contain my excitement, I want her to see the colors in the sunset, the way the waves splash with such vigor, the way they come in again and again without losing momentum. I want her to be amazed at God’s work the same way I am. It has nothing to do with me, why would it? It’s about us peering out over it all side by side, together, admiring the world—life—as friends.
I want to pull her out to the back patio like we do with the kids and say, Look at the snow and the sky tonight, isn’t this the best? I want to show her the waterfall we found, Check out how breathtaking this trail is. I want to show her the new skirt Avery made because I’m so inept with sewing. And the cute note Bronwyn left for me on my pillow, look at her sweet handwriting. And how Callum’s treehouse is coming (I'm so glad he's doing something outside). I want to show her the spoons Todd’s taught himself to make, they’re so interesting to me. And come see how pretty they all look dressed up, so fun, doesn’t it bring back memories? And check out all this honey that just comes from Todd’s bees, we didn’t even have to do anything, it just came, isn’t that amazing? I want her to see this article that spoke to me, to get her feedback on it. Look at this bread! You won’t believe how easy it is! Here’s the recipe, let’s all make it! Wouldn’t it be so good with dinner? I’m thrilled about what our sons are learning in college and on their missions. Their interpretations of life and the cultures they’re immersed in delight and amuse me, I thought you might enjoy their letters too. I want to invite her into our living room to just hang out with us around the fire while we read and do our puzzle, I want to help her feel calm and settled, to just rest from things for a bit. That’s why I’m showing her a picture of what we’re doing tonight. Come over, wouldn’t it be fun to just hang out and catch up for awhile?
I show her my messes hoping they’ll help us both feel normal, to find the humor in even the hard parts of life. I show her pictures of us doing a projects because I have this weird obsession with before-and-after everything, so I find transformations fascinating. I like to take pictures of us in regular life; she’s at football and Thailand, we’re hanging out playing games and working in the garden.
But even as I think these things, I feel to tread carefully. Could anything be misconstrued? Does it look like I’m bragging? Yes, in nearly every case. Good grief. I sort of want to curl up and retreat. I check my intention. I thought I was just inviting my friends to come see what our life looks like, just like I love when you invite me into yours. I never thought it could be taken that way. But now I wonder. And because the thing I worry most about when posting things is appearing arrogant or boastful, I hesitate. And hit delete. And yes, I’m sure. Even when I’m still vacilliating. Would someone really take it that way? Not that anyone has ever said anything, I just can't help but wonder. Hmmmm…
I guess I just feel like I’m in my pajamas with no make up (Callum was shocked once when it came up, Do you wear makeup? but whatever) late at night just downloading with Todd when I talk to my friends on Facebook. Just sharing about the day, what made me laugh, what I wonder about, what the kids said, something interesting I ran across, what you’re thinking. I guess I’ve always just felt comfortable with it all, assuming that we’re all on the same page, that we know each other well enough to know what kind of people we are. That we’re not trying to change anyone or criticize anyone or make anyone feel bad or pretend to be anything we aren’t. I don’t understand that; why would friends betray people they love and do any of that? And if we don’t respect or care about each other, why are we “friends”? (That’s a whole other blog, but why are we friends with people on social media that we wouldn’t be friends with in real life?)
But the older I get, the more I work on pride, the more layers I discover like the linoleum under our laminate and all the funny wallpapers on our kitchen walls, the more sensitive I am to how pervasive pride is in my life. And maybe we al struggle with this. I think what spurred this recent bout of self-reflection was a word in a talk* I came across months ago, humblebrag. It’s pierced my heart ever since. I’ve wondered if he had to write his whole talk just for me. I’ve asked myself a million times, What is my motivation for sharing so much of our lives? Really? I’m still thinking about it because humility is probably the character trait I admire most in others. And long to develop myself. But, like our remodeling endeavors, no matter how much work we've done, there is always another project, another part of the house that needs our attention, another issue we hadn't noticed before. We knew this going into a remodel, and I'm keenly aware of the many ways pride wiggles its way into our hearts and needs to be demolished.
But does it mean we close up and just observe life without ever commenting on it, fearing that someone will call us out on it, assuming we’re showing off our fine photographic skills (never been accused of that by the way) or our fancy houses (same)? I have to say no. I’m not an all-or-nothing person. That’s taking the easy way out in my opinion. Avoid tv, there might be something offensive. Don’t read that book, it has the word hell in it. Don’t say anything, someone might take it wrong. I have to politely disagree.
I think it takes honesty, sensitivity, and some wisdom to know how to proceed. I think we need to give each other the benefit of the doubt. I know you. You’re my friends. That’s why we found each other on social media. I’m hoping to get to know you better, to share your life with you. I’m anxious for you to get to know our family too. In my mind this is how we bridge the gap between each other in this world, by showing each other we’re basically dealing with the same things, that we’re all just doing the best we can.
So, to be honest, I don’t have any resolution to my quandary. I expect I’ll continue to edit and wonder how what I put up will be taken. I’ll keep questioning my reasons behind my postings. I got on social media years ago because I wanted to spread goodness and figured it would be worth giving up some of my privacy to do that. And I still feel that way. I suppose people will always process the world through their own filters. I just trust that you have only the best of intentions as you let us in on your life and hope you'll give me the same benefit of the doubt, that you know I'm just excited about life. I’m just mindful of how it all looks. And I want to be careful and check my intention as I share our journey with you.
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