A friend sent me this picture quote the other day because it resonated with her and she knew I’d understand.
Totally get it. We’ve talked about this a lot. She’s been taking a break from friends. Too many times over the past couple of years she’s been let down. She just wants to play it safe and stick with her husband and boys. She’s worn out trying with friends. More than that; she’s sick of it.
We’ve both struggled with knowing how much to give to friendships. It seems like it’s all in vain and mostly pointless to really even try most of the time. People are fine. They’ve got their families. Their other friends. They’re busy, they’ve got places to go, lots on their phones, we get it. But I also understand where she’s coming from. How hard is it to acknowledge the little package she left on a girlfriend’s porch? How hard is it to say hi to her at the Christmas dinner or to sit with her and her family? Why do friends with whom she and her family have shared so many memories with over several years just pick up and leave without any explanation?
I have others who have shared these same bewildered thoughts with me. I’ve felt them myself. We have no satisfying answers. We feel that it must be us. And so our natural defense is to retreat.
Of course friends move on, that’s life, we’ve been dealing with this since elementary school. But it’s still hurtful when they leave without saying goodbye because we’re left to fill in the blanks. We have no idea what we’ve done wrong (we try to come up with a list but we’re never quite sure), what she didn’t like, if we’ve offended her, if we’ve just grown apart and she’s simply found other people she prefers or who are a better fit. It feels like we were never friends to begin with though; a true friend would at least give us the benefit of explaining what happened. And so that wound never really heals, there’s no closure. But even as we try to let it go and try to not think about it, we’re still left wondering. And it’s hard to want to put yourself out there again. Especially after it’s happened more than a few times.
And so I can see why the natural inclination is to shut down and retreat. It’s protection, it feel like the only safe thing to do.
This has been my initial reaction throughout our marriage when we’ve had conflict (which is often; we’re both oldests and opinionated and stubborn). I am learning and doing better the older I get, but most of the time earlier in our marriage I just stopped talking, I got quiet, I checked out and shut down. I was too hurt and embarrassed and frustrated to engage, at least in the moment. And, if I’m honest, it’s still my natural inclination. Except now I manage to squeak out, I’m just thinking, I’m too emotional, we’ll talk later. But my first impulse is to stop engaging, to emotionally curl up into a ball.
The reason I’m getting better at sticking with it is because of the trust I share with Todd. I know for certain he loves me, that we are committed, that this is just a hiccup, a difference of opinion, something we’ll need to address. I know he’s not going to leave me over it, we still care about each other, he’s proven his love and devotion over and over in the years we’ve been together. Even though we’ve had hundreds of disagreements over the years, I know it will all work out. We will most likely continue to hang on to our opinions, but we’re solid; I trust his love and so I’m confidant in our relationship even when there are mishaps.
With friends it’s a little trickier. How do we know when to believe her actions and when to keep trying? How long do you keep at it? What if she never calls or texts or wants to get together? Do you still remember her birthday and do you do something for her? Even though she never remembers yours? But what if, when you do get together, it’s as if no time has passed? It’s a beautiful reunion, your friendship is rekindled, you feel just as close as ever. But what if you’re always the one to initiate? Is that ok? Does it mean that it’s just easier for you because you have a less-busy life? Or does it mean she’s not that interested in maintaining a friendship and is moving on? How to tell? It just feels like if you have to ask you already know.
And yet, I want to trust my girlfriends like I do my husband. That we’re good. That life just gets busy. I want to believe they’re still invested. It’s easier and more my thing to text my husband than it is for him to think to do it for me. And so maybe it’s more our thing to nurture friendships, maybe we have more time than our friends do, maybe we just think of it more. Maybe weeks fly by before they realize how much time has passed. Maybe people are just trying to keep all the balls from falling. They’re busy. Maybe.
But I know that’s not really true at all. Not always.
And so then I feel dumb. Like a lovesick junior high girl with a crush. It’s obvious. And yet hard to accept. And so we keep hoping.
I’ll admit, I know which friendships are genuine. Just like you do. I don’t have to talk to these girlfriends all the time. Months can go by, I absolutely know we’re good. We have actually talked about it, I trust them, I know our friendship is solid. It’s like that with my sisters and my mom; we don’t talk every day. Or even every week. Yet there’s absolutely not a question in my mind as to where we stand.
But there are others that we struggle to know what to do about. So my friend’s answer to is to quit trying. To believe them. Todd agrees. Why do we keep extending ourselves? It makes sense, I get where they’re coming from. Have some self-respect, don’t keep putting yourself out there. And yet, I still waffle.
It may not be right, I may be the most naive woman around. But I think we can invite God to weigh in on this. Because relationships are what He cares about more than anything in the world. And He knows what’s going on behind the scenes. And when we ask, we are guaranteed to get answers as to how to proceed. Because it’s hard for us to know if what we’re seeing is really what’s going on. And He can help us figure it out.
I can’t tell you how many experiences I’ve had where this has been true. So many seemingly one-sided friendships where I’ve felt foolish and at the point of giving up when something happens that helps me know it hasn’t been a waste of time and to stick with her or the family. Ideally it would be nice to have friendships be the perfect balance of give and take. But it’s not always like that, and so I’m grateful for the times when He’s told me to stick it out. As well as for the times He’s told me gently to let it go.
This is murky territory, the relationship business. I’m incredulous at how often I feel like we’re still in jr. high. And that I’m still trying to figure out girlfriends. So I’m grateful for this friend and others who have confided that they still struggle too; at least I know I’m not the only one.
But more than anything, I’m thankful for my best friends. For my mom and my sisters. For my husband and kids. For the dear, close friends whose hearts I’m tethered to no matter what. And above all, I’m grateful beyond words for my Savior, the truest of all friends. Who not only understands all of this perfectly but who is slowly teaching me what it means to love. Both others and myself. With His spirit, I’m able to discern which is which and when to hold on and when to let go.
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