Hold please

I guess as parents we’ve made every mistake out there with phones and technology.  I wish with all my heart we could have a do-over.  I’m mad at myself for my ignorance.  And I’m sad that I didn’t have the where-with-all to do better.  As hard as we tried, I feel like we completely failed our kids. Our oldest child will be 22 this year.  We were pioneers when it came to phones and computers and technology in general, at least as far as parenting it all goes.  I think we all recognize that we’re the first generation of parents in this situation.  Of course our parents had to monitor the tv (did they?), but no generation of caregivers has ever been up against something of this magnitude.  I don’t think anyway.

This comes up in nearly every conversation I have with other parents.  They’re frustrated, we’re constantly discussing new ways to monitor the kids, they all have their own ways of handling the overload.  And I admire all of them, they are way ahead of it all compared to how we did it.  Like I said, I’d do it all differently if I could go back and start over.  We’re doing things differently now, but I have definite regrets.

I just wonder if we can switch things up a bit.  And start by asking ourselves, as parents, what we’re doing.  Why are we giving phones to our kids?  What’s the purpose, our reasoning?  I guess I don’t see any reason in the world why young kids need phones.  And I’m being bold by saying that includes anyone who’s not driving.  Why can’t we hold off until they’re at least that old?  I have maybe one friend who feels the same as me, so I already know what you’re all thinking.  But maybe we can just think about it.

Everyone else has one, so if there’s an emergency or change of plans with sports or after-school activities or with friends, there are plenty of phones to call or text from.  They can also make arrangements through the parents’ phones; that way we know exactly what’s happening because they need to talk about the plans before they can make them.  Can we simply have a family phone that goes with a kid to the movies or the mall or on an 8th grade trip?

If 7th and 8th graders and early 9th graders didn’t have phones, what might change?  What would we be avoiding? What would we be giving up (at least for a little longer)?

Fights over usage

Bullying through texts

Interrupted sleep time

Distracted face to face conversations (if they’re even having them)

Heightened anxiety over relationships especially resulting from miscommunications via texts

What might we gain?

Money, time, energy that phones require from us as we monitor and pay for them

Face to face conversation

Communication skills

Confidence

Time to play like kids, to be bored, to create, to read, to exercise, to cook, to develop hobbies

Less stress and tension in our homes and lives

Better sleep

Real relationships

A chance for parents to answer questions that kids may have looked up on their phones

Longer-lasting childhoods

More focused learning in school

More time to influence them as parents

You can finish the lists, we all know what the issues are.  We just need to honestly ask ourselves if the good outweighs the bad, if what we're getting is worth what we're giving up.

Can we honestly assess why we’re giving kids—kids—phones? Which are amazing tools, no question.  But do we want 10 year olds to date? Do we want our 12 year old kids having sex?  Do we want 13 year olds driving? Of course we want them to eventually.  It’s nothing more than a timing issue, a little breathing room for a child to grow up and mature a just a little more.  It’s a parent knowing what’s best and following through on her instincts regardless of what our cultural norms are dictating.

Instead of fighting what we think is the inevitable fight, why not just carry on the way we’ve been doing it for a few more years to give them time to mature?  Not that a 10th grader is necessarily mature.  But a few years from 10 to 16 can make a huge difference.  And then when we determine they’re ready, we should still monitor things with the goal being to teach them how to use technology responsibly and purposefully without parental control.  We need to continually expand their freedoms and choices so that life without us isn’t that much different; they’ve been used to living this way for awhile.  As seniors in high school, they’re nearly ready to move out and should be prepared to do so.  But an 18 year-old is inevitably (and hopefully) different from a 15 year-old.

Will our 7th grader feel left-out and weird if he’s the only one without a phone? Of course. Will she resent you? Definitely.  Same as when we tell them it’s time to come home or that we’re having soup and salad for dinner or it’s time to unload the dishwasher or to send a thank you note to grandma.  That’s parenting.  Kids will always push their limits and try to wear down their parents.  But strong parents have always stood their ground because the love they have for their kids trumps giving in to what kids think they want and need.  We’re the grown-ups.  And these devices make it hard for us to self-monitor.  How can we expect that from our 12 year-olds? And obviously, every situation is different, every kid and family dynamic is unique.  I’m just throwing this out there for us to think about.