It’s been a couple of days and I still have a knot in my stomach. I’ve been going through the motions with such an uneasiness shrouding me, I keep asking myself what it could be, and I keep going back to Sunday. I think that’s it. A couple of things about the day really.
It started at church during Sunday School. Mostly I need to just sit back and let others participate and talk and share their thoughts. I talk too much. I say things without thinking them through first. I feel like it’s a personal conversation with the teacher and forget that a whole class is listening. I need to sit on my hands like a nail-biter would and just listen. That’s my word for the year after all, remember?
The first embarrassing comment I made was when we were asked what we thought about, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” We were talking about Cain and Abel obviously, and since that was Cain’s retort when asked where Abel was, we assume he’s completely wrong. And yet I can see a little of both sides. Because Satan uses the truth to deceive and mislead us; he twists it sometimes. Yes, we absolutely need to show love and compassion, we need to take care of each other, I'm totally on board. To an extent. I told them it’s tricky in my mind though. Like with parenting. We simply can’t coddle. We have got to respect agency and encourage self-reliance. We need to let people handle their own problems. While at the same time empathizing, helping as we feel inclined. I just admitted it’s a fine line. But the person after me went back to the idea that we need to love everyone unconditionally. I wish I could’ve retracted my remark and just kept it to myself. Because of course I know that. But I think sometimes religion muddles things and we think we have to give, give, give. But that’s not how God works. Most of the time He insists we work things out on our own. While of course loving us all along the way. That’s the angle I was coming from. But I felt dumb for bringing it up.
The second one was in our circle group as women, we were counseling about service, and the discussion leader asked us to recap the past month, what service had we been recipients of and what had we done to serve others. She prefaced our answers with the idea that it’s ok to talk about service we’ve done, it gives others good ideas, it’s a safe place to share. I enjoyed hearing what others had seen and done, but her encouraging words made me think of a very tender experience I’d had earlier that week. I’d been praying for a friend, unable to think of anything to do to help. Before long an idea came to mind. Super simple. Totally within my realm to carry out. But I had no idea it would touch my friend so deeply. I was so humbled. And sooooooo thankful to have been an instrument, that God could use my simple desire to help someone so dear to me in such a tiny way. So I told the group that we need to take ourselves out of it, we need to thank Him so much for the good ideas He gives us, for the opportunities we have to serve people around us using our gifts and abilities. That was my main idea, that it’s not about us; it’s about how wonderful God is that He knows and loves His children. He shows us that by helping us know how to serve as well as having others serve us. But I regretted saying anything at all. Immediately. And it’s haunted me ever since. Because I looked like I was gloating, showing off. Last thing in the world I meant to convey. I was using that example to show how simple our service can be and how touching it can be when we personalize it, when we serve one person at a time, and that God is behind all our good ideas.
Of course there was more. I had to take muffins somewhere later that night. I was cooking and eating dinner at the same time, it was a rushed time for sure. Because I was in such a hurry, I burnt the bottoms. I had no time to re-think things, so I simply made muffin tops out of them. SO embarrassing. I didn’t have time to make the kind of food I wanted to send, I felt embarrassed by my meager offering. Cooking isn’t really that stressful for me, but things are always a little off when I’m making food for others. Last week I forgot the salt in our rolls. Super bland. The week before I used purple cabbage in a soup for a lunch instead of green (thought it got used up), turned the whole thing purple. (Which, keep in mind for down the road, would be a beautiful shade for dyeing Easter eggs.) Last night I made a huge recipe of bar cookies (the kind with 3 cups of sugar, 4 eggs, more than 2 cups of butter/pb). I found what I thought was a worm and threw the whole thing out. And made it all over. I felt soooooo ridiculous and wasteful.
I know no one cares about silly muffins. I hope they’ve forgotten about the rolls and soup. I know no one remembers or cares what I say in church. But don’t you ever have times when you wish you could suck back your words? When you wish things would turn out a little prettier and not so burnt?
I just know how much it’s all been bothering me the past couple of days. I feel so dumb. But I hope my friends know my heart is good. That I would never mean to be contentious. That I would never brag about something as dear to my heart as service. I’ve prayed a million prayers to say I’m sorry. For whatever reason, I just had a moment of poor judgment on both accounts. And I just need to slow down when I’m cooking.
It all just makes me appreciate mercy. And has helped me want to continue to give the benefit of the doubt to others. Partly because I want that so much from them. But mostly because I know that’s how our Savior is with us. So merciful and kind and forgiving. I feel confident in His love, knowing that He knows my heart completely, that He knows I’m fallible and still learning. Thankfully we continue to have experiences like these and others that humble us, that prick our hearts and teach us. I still feel so embarrassed, I wish I could re-do the whole day. But I’ve felt like that so many times throughout my life. I know I’ll move on. A little wiser. And a little more humbled by and thankful for the gift of love and mercy that is constantly shown me. And anxious to share that same love with those around me who might also be having an off day.
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