36 Questions

I’m sure most of you have heard of this; it’s a very famous study done back in the 90s with fascinating results.  Basically, partners were asked to share about themselves in a personal way through face to face conversation (prompted by 36 questions) producing unexpected lasting closeness and connectedness.

As a friend and I were talking about this study, we weren’t surprised by their findings.  We both love good conversation and know its powerful ramifications for intimacy.  But we’re a little older and grew up in a time without so much technology when conversation (either in person or on the phone) was the norm.

I get teased a lot (by mostly my husband) for my probing questions.  I almost always feel embarrassed for having asked.  Not because I think any of them are inappropriate.  But because I almost always realize too late that I’ve gone too far.  Back up, return to the surface small talk, that’s all we’re doing here. Go back to where she feels safe.  Which is so tiresome.  And if I’m honest, I think it’s the inefficiency that grates on me.  I long to connect, to really talk! There are some where we’ll hug and get right to it, How are you? No, seriously, how are you?  That's all it takes and we’ll connect immediately, even a short conversation elevates my day.

I love to make connections, I love to know what motivates people, what they worry about and think about.  I don’t care all that much how much snow we’ve gotten this year so far.  Or about what kind of gun he used on his latest elk.  But I want to know what’s really in her heart, what makes her different, what she really feels, her paradigm, her backstory, her hopes for the future, what scares her, what she worries about.  We can connect faster when we talk about meaningful things than we can if we spent hours talking about only surface stuff.  And a heart to heart connection remains.

I have a friend who I really haven’t interacted much with at all.  But we met each other at as we were working on a school project together.  Before long, we started talking about something beyond the work and out of the blue we were both tearing up, we had some sort of tender exchange (most likely about kids and parenting, I honestly can’t remember) and even now, even though I don’t run in her circle and we barely even see each other, when we do we hug, I know our spirits remember the connection we made that evening.  It was such a simple exchange, but it lingers with both of us.

And yet, it doesn’t have to be something serious.  Not all the questions are that deep.  Some are just for fun.  I think what’s important here is that we talk.  With teens, for instance, we need to start with music.  The movie he saw this past weekend.  What our summer plans are.  What he’d like to do this weekend.  With who.  What do you like about her? What classes do you think you’d like to take next year? Why? What would you like to learn more about?  What do you see yourself doing in the future? Move into other topics as you feel to. However the conversation goes, the key is that we’re talking face to face, and no relationships need this more than those within our families.

You may not get this with kids, but we can model it.  Because another key in their study was that they shared, both participants opened up; the conversation went back and forth.  Teens aren’t likely to ask you what you hope to do with your clinic or where you’d like to travel.  But we can try to remind them that dad had a day too, that he may like to share what he did.  That we were kids, that we had after-school jobs once, that we fell in love.

We’ve all been in conversations where we've run out of steam.  I’ve done that, tried to ask good questions, tried to engage the other person or people.  With nothing.  One word answers.  It’s exhausting.  As the hostess, I really, really try not to give up, but it is hard.  I visited with someone once and finally had nothing else to ask.  Which is nearly unfathomable for me.  But with no give and take, it really feels pointless.  It should be like a ping pong game, someone asks a question, the other answers and maybe tosses the same question back so she can answer, What about you?  We take turns, we listen and share.  We’re not talk show hosts with our notepads peppering our guest with questions, and we’re likewise not the one being interviewed where the whole hour is about us.  Good conversation is nothing more than listening while also expressing what’s on our mind.  Best conversation happens when we can talk about what’s in our hearts.  And when we feel heard.  And while these strangers never anticipated connecting, the amazing thing is that simple conversation facilitated just that.

The take-home from this study for me is that we need to resurrect good, old-fashioned conversation skills.  We really need, as everyone seems to be telling us these days, to put down our distractions and look at each other.  Dig a little deeper than What did you have for lunch?  Really try to get to know each other.  Start small.  We’ve had a jar of conversation starters near our kitchen table for years.  We pull it out when we have guests or once in awhile if we just want to linger after dinner.  It’s a good chance for kids to realize their parents are more than the adults running the ship.  And it’s good for the parents to see that their kids have thoughts and ideas beyond what they see on a day to day basis.  If something like this can bring strangers closer together, imagine what it could do within our families and friendships. I wouldn’t stop there though, but that’s just me.  I’ll keep talking to strangers in stores and in line.  And I’ll keep asking questions people aren’t expecting.    I’ll apologize for assuming we could talk about something more.  And I might be startled when they say something like No, that’s ok, just let me think.  Because often what’s happening is that they’re caught off-guard that someone wants to know how they feel about anything.  But after thinking about it, they realize they're anxious to share a bit.

I'm sure I’ll most likely continue to get embarrassed for asking questions that require something more than a travel report.  I’ll notice that people want to go back to what’s happening with the campaign instead.  Sigh.  I get it, whatever.  And yet, in my mind it’s worth it to take the risk and ask, which is why and how I know I’ll continue to meet and connect with amazing people who are full of thoughts, passions, and stories. But who are just waiting for someone to ask about them.

36 Questions