Regrettably, I haven’t taken time to write out all the feelings of the past month in my journal. But it’s a choice you have between watching the ocean and interrupting the moment to capture a picture of it. I vacillate and have done both. This month I’ve just tried to stay upright as the waves have coalesced. But as I start another new year, I’m impressed with the candor and vulnerability my friends have shared in posts, highlighting what they want to change, what’s been off, and what they hope will be different this year. They’ve invited friends and loved ones to join them and are in essence dismissing those who are negatively sapping joy from their lives. Intriguing. Refreshing, real, and heartfelt. I feel the range of emotions from my vantage point as well, although as I’ve told you before, I hesitate to share too much.
But as we hang up our new calendar, as I look back on the year, like a lot of you, I can’t help but spend a minute to reflect on what went well and what I’d like to do better with this new year.
I still struggle with the basics. I can’t get my act together enough to remember my morning prayer most days. I wonder if any of our scripture reading makes a difference to our kids. Or even myself. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to eat fewer than 4 chocolate chip cookies at a time. I wonder why I don’t have the self-discipline that so many of my friends have. I wonder why I don’t care. I can’t help but wonder where I went wrong on occasion. I think I’ll forever worry about money. I walk that tight-rope of teaching my kids everything I’ve learned from life and letting them figure it out for themselves. Why is that? I have so much passion for things that seem odd to most people. And I feel dumb. I wonder what talents I have that I should probably be figuring out. Why do I like to write and what good is it to anyone? I wonder how to be a better friend. Why can’t I seem to make time to read more, how hard can it be? I wonder how to serve, where, with who? What’s my role as a mom to teenagers and young adults?
As I think about the goals I had last year, I’ll admit I didn’t even know what they were until I just went to peek. And then I remembered. We made some family ones. Invite new friends over and keep up with our old ones. Make the house pretty. Plant a garden. Disconnect from the computer. Spend more time together as a family on Sundays. We made some headway on the house, had great times with friends, harvested a tiny garden, hung out in our pjs more on Sundays and still don’t have a clue how to handle our computer issues.
I made three. Learn about revelation and get better at it. Be more engaged with the kids. Respond patiently and kindly (ie quit being so efficient and condescending—yikes). I’m still unsure how God speaks to me, I don’t think the kids really need or want me to be super engaged (although I guess we’ve had some good talks), and as far as being kind and patient, lots of opportunities, plenty of fails, one or two good experiences. I should totally just roll these all over to this year.
I guess the question for all of us really ought to be, are we in a better place this year than we were last year, have we learned some things? Are we trying to be more loving, are we letting people into our hearts, or are our walls stronger? Do we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and to take risks in order to get closer and form deeper relationships, or are we closing ourselves off more the older we get because we’re so sick of being hurt? Do we recognize that we do this? Do we acknowledge our mistakes quicker than we used to? Are we at least trying to see things from the other person’s perspective? Are we more likely to give the benefit of the doubt? Are we hugging our kids a little more than last year? Are we still in love, more in love? Are we a little softer, a little more gentle? Are we more aware and less likely to judge? Are we letting Christ’s love compensate for where we lack? Are we begging him to cover for where we are weak? And to help us with all of this?
I’m not making pages of goals in my journal like I used to as a teenager, and I honestly haven't even thought much about what I’ll work on this year. I’m against writing down the easy things that are already second nature like flossing or exercising. I’m also opposed to being unrealistic. There’s no way I’m giving up bread or chocolate chip cookies. But when I ask myself—and God—what I really need some help with, I know He will quietly give me ideas of what’s next. I just haven’t done that yet. So yes, I want to make a big quilt for my bare wall; it’s time I got back into that. Optimistically I’d love to read for an hour a day. And if I could make just any crazy wish, I’d wish for a wardrobe I love. But I’m less concerned about that kind of stuff. More than anything, I want my heart to be good. And so while I always have a million ideas about ways I can improve, I’m going to continue listening to God, strengthening that line of communication. Because if I can just hear what he has to tell me, I’ll know where to go next.
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