I can’t help but feel a tinge of sorrow for a friend of mine. He doesn’t seem to get how great he is and how
much we admire him and love being around him, because he regrets some of the
recklessness of his youth; I can tell he has lingering guilt over not having
lived up to his potential in his younger days.
But isn’t that all of us? So the
details vary a bit, some of us learned the hard way, but who doesn’t have a bit
of shame and remorse over past conduct?
What do we do? Bury it all in the
back of our minds pretending it wasn’t us?
Do we play victim, never really moving on, paralyzed by our
mistakes? Or worse yet, stay young and
dumb indefinitely? Or can we accept that
we’re all just learning, that we’re all getting better in most ways, and cut
ourselves and each other some slack?
Just because the particulars of our pasts aren’t the same doesn’t mean
that we can or should compare to see who’s done the best so far. It’s so silly to even think of having a
debate over who was the most rebellious teen, who strayed furthest from his
parents’ teachings, who partied the most.
And yet I wonder if we carry around regrets like that, surmising that
surely if people knew how far we’d wandered they’d look at us in a whole
different light. And yet, that’s
true! I imagine we have all matured to
the point that we are so much better than our past selves and that the people
we currently associate with wouldn’t really recognize the people we used to be. How’s that for progress?
I won’t lie, I’ve totally got regrets. The details aren’t worth dredging up, but I
knew better; we’ve all succumbed to temptations along the way. Whether it was
gossiping or cheating, boasting or reveling, is one vice worse than another?
And who’s got authority to make that call?
I’ve found that as much as I long for a way to completely erase
those regrettable memories of how I treated people and as much as I wish I had
just done better along the way, there’s no point dwelling on it. It’s not going
away. It’s all faded a bit, but I still
have regrets. I remember being so
self-centered at home as a young teen, not bothering to help make dinner most
nights even though my parents worked all day.
I remember stealing paper and supplies from a school my dad cleaned. What pains me the most is knowing how I have
hurt people, people who have also faded from my life that I can’t seem to track
down. I remember making a third friend
feel so unwanted, excluded, and unwelcome back when we were in elementary
school. I was so mean to her, and I’ve
lost track of her. My friend’s mom
sacrificed so much to drive me all over town to ballet, fed me so often, and I
did nothing in return, just took and took.
She wasn’t rich; she was a single mom and worked so hard to care for her
girls and her parents. She’s also faded
into my past and even though I’ve tried to find her and thank her, I haven’t
made amends. I think we’ve all been
victims of our own pride. We’ve all hurt
each other. We’ve used people and taken
advantage of them. Granted, some
consequences are more painful and serious, maybe you had a baby earlier than
you planned, you used someone selfishly, you lied in a big way, or you
contributed to hurting someone pretty deeply.
Not to dismiss any of it, but surely we’d do better now. I wish I could change so much, and yet I
simply vow to do better next time.
Our pasts have made us the people we are today. So cliché, I feel like I’m giving some kind
of motivational speech or graduation benediction. But think about it. Not that we’re always proud of our pasts, but
we can at least use our mistakes for good. Just like they use each other in Alcoholics Anonymous
and Weight Watchers. Their weaknesses
have become strengths, so much so that now they’re the mentors. Because I was jealous and gossiped when I was
younger, I recognize it so clearly when people today struggle with insecurity. No
one who feels comfortable with herself needs to gossip or compare. Why would you do that? But because I have in the past, I can empathize
like some people can’t. I’ve admitted to
my mom and friends that I struggled with this kind of thing and they really
can’t relate. They’ve never had those
weaknesses. Lucky for them, and lucky
for me in a way. And the people you can relate
to are lucky to know you. Because you’ve
made it past your past, you can help others wrestling with the same things that
were once familiar to you.
Just for the record, I’m not advocating doing dumb stuff just so
you’ll have a leg up in the future or so you’ll have good stories. It’s always better to have played by the
rules, to have been your best self, to have taken the high road, to have been a
lady or a gentleman. I’m just saying,
when you haven’t, get past it and use those lessons for good.
I think it’d be hard if you haven’t had a chance to get away from
people who have known you your whole life.
You’d kind of be stuck in a zone in their minds and it’s hard to change
their mentality. Todd loved the chance
to re-invent himself in college; no one had to know who he was before. But that’s how I see you, the current you. I don’t care about your past. I’m not dwelling on mine. I just see you for
the strong and good people we’re all becoming.
We’re all better than we used to be, we’ve learned a few things, we’re
doing the best we can and we overlook slip-ups in ourselves and each other and
realize we’ve got enough to work on without worrying what everyone else is up
to. It’s ok to admit we’ve fumbled—we’re
still at it—but let’s not dwell on it, wishing things had been different. Take me at my word. I see you all taking it one day at time,
devoted to your families, working on your talents, dedicating time to helping
people around you, working hard to encourage others. You’re more patient than you probably used to
be, more accepting, more forgiving, just a better version of you. So admit that you’re not really even that younger
person in a lot of ways, leave the past behind, learn what you can from it and
move on. I appreciate where you’ve been
because it made you who you are.
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