Just a beginner

I’m not a professional writer; I’m not even a real writer.  I just like to write.  I have no idea how it’s supposed to be done, what the rules are, what people expect or want from a writer.  I’m such a novice.  I deleted my post from yesterday because even though I felt the ideas separately, they just didn’t gel.  I knew that, I felt it, I struggled with it.  But I went ahead and put it up without feeling settled with it at all but had a long-shot hope that it would somehow work out.  I’m sorry.  What a great, albeit humbling, lesson.   I’ll try again later.

I was also writing one right from the heart, a very personal one about trials.  And yet, when I let my mom read it (because I talked about us growing up and wanted to be sure she was ok with it), she said she could tell someone had hurt me.  My sister said the same thing.  I felt myself tear up because that’s exactly what has happened.  Almost every time I tried to be honest about it.  So I abandoned it, printed it up for safe-keeping and tucked it away.  I don’t know if I’m willing to be that vulnerable.  I’m wondering if it could do any good.  Because then it would be worth it.  I’m usually comfortable sharing my inner thoughts through words on a page because I hope that by opening my heart for others to see that they will look inside their own and feel ok about what’s going on there.  That we can all feel we’re on the same team, that we use our energies to make things better for each other instead of using our precious resources to make sure our walls are good and tight and that we look like we’ve got it together.

But I’m not sure if that’s what’s happening.  Like I said, I’m not an expert.  I don’t even know what anyone thinks.  All I know is that I spend a lot of time with my thoughts.  I pick up on what I see and hear and feel.  Then I write about it.  I don’t know how to string words together the right way, I’m just reporting on what I notice.  I don’t understand what other “voice” I’d use; I just use my own.

So thank you for being willing to walk with me as I try to share my thoughts with you.  Thank you for letting me learn from my mistakes in this new endeavor that I’m just trying out.  I don’t know how long it will last or what good it will do, but I feel drawn to do this, to share my imperfections, my vulnerabilities, my humanness with you in hopes that it will allow you to feel ok about yours.