The answer

I was sitting in a very quiet spot with my thoughts about a tender situation, in a quandary as to whether I should address it or let it go.  I wasn’t sure about the course I was choosing. I’d prayed about this so many times.  I couldn’t believe what  I felt He was telling me to do.

Love her.

But what about the rest? Shouldn’t we have some resolution, shouldn’t I say or do something to fix this???

Just love her.

I’ve thought about my older kids so often over the past few years.  Now that we’re in such a different parenting phase, what do my teenagers and 20 year olds need from me?  I have no concrete evidence that they need me at all.  So I choose to stand back and observe.  I want them simply to know we’re here.  That they have our support.  That we care.  That we’ll listen.  They don’t really need us to solve any of their troubles.  And they certainly don’t need us to point out any of their issues.  They can figure things out just fine. So what can I do?

Just love them.

I can’t help but think about the people around me in the middle of major life transitions.  They vent, they share, they wonder what they’re supposed to be doing at this junction.  They seem anxious and confused. But I intuitively know they don’t need me to fix anything.  Or to tell them what I’d do if I were them. They just need someone to listen.  To just be with them.  

To love them.

As I think about the people in my life, I wonder what it means to love someone.  It sounds so churchy.  So cliche and generic. What does He have in mind when He sends the thought to me? What does it look like?

As I was sitting still, I felt some things.  I think it means to accept people where they are.  As who they are.  Without a notion in the world about changing them.  It means listening.  Without forming an opinion about I would do or what they should do.  It means not discussing what we discussed with others.  It means keeping still when I want to talk.  And instead simply listening some more. It means giving them plenty of space.  While checking in every now and then.  With kids at home that means several times a day, with adult children that could mean every other day or a few times a week, depends.  With friends, that’s tricky.  Some want more and some are good with just an occasional thinking of you.  It means meeting people where they are and not expecting more than they can or want to give. It means letting that be ok. Even if that means they don’t want you in their life anymore. It’s letting go because that’s where they are.  It’s not holding a grudge.  It’s forgiving.  And apologizing.  Even when you can’t figure out what you’ve done. It means being humble. It means I believe you when you say we’re good. It’s trusting.  Them.  And God.  That love is all that’s needed.

As I thought about all the situations and relationships I have questions about, whether in my assignment at church or within my family or circle of friends, I wonder what I’m supposed to be doing.  And this is the overwhelming feeling I get.  That helps me with all of it.

Love them.

The way I would.

It’s so much easier when I take myself out of the equation and simply try to plug Christ in instead.  How would He love these people I care about so much?  I sense that He listened.  And walked with them.  He asked them meaningful questions that helped them think and come to their own conclusions.  He accepted them right where they were and encouraged them on their journey.  He gave them hope. He taught by example.  In quiet and unobtrusive and humble ways.  People felt safe with him.  They trusted him.  They knew he knew them deeply.  And that he loved them anyway.

I think it means that for the most part people can solve their own problems.  I don’t need to be in their business.  If they ask, if they want help or advice, if I sense to, yes.  But for the most part, God loves us by trusting us to work things out on our own. And we can certainly do no better than to follow that pattern.

A friend and I were talking about this.  How do we refrain from judging when someone is making decisions that are contrary to obvious good sense? Or at least in opposition to what we would do.  This wise woman, just a few years further down the road, taught me that she simply refuses to go there, and instead she just asks herself how she can show them kindness, How can I love them, how can I help?

I think that’s what He’s trying to tell me when I hear the thought Love her in my mind.  I think I can do better.  I think that’s what He’s saying to me. I think this answer is spot on.  Inspired.

The natural man in me wants to fix.  To make things better.  To have resolution.  To see results. To tidy things up. But God’s way is slower.  More patient.  More relaxed.  Time is of no consequence.  He’s teaching me that the best way to help others and ourselves is to be charitable.  A cushion of love supports those we care about. When we love unconditionally and without judgment or worry about how they’re affecting us or how they feel about us, we take ourselves out the equation and we experience peace.  Because we’re trusting, we’re giving up the idea that we need to solve anything or do anything more.  In small ways like this we start to become like Him.

And so I felt to leave this particular issue in His hands. Again. I’ve been here before and dropped it as His feet in desperation.  I’ve done this so many times with weaknesses, with uncertainties, with questions.  But, like an impatient little girl, I’ve picked these things up again and again, deciding since nothing was happening I would have to figure it out on my own. But I felt like He was telling me, I’m handling it.  I fought back, It’s been so long! Why? You’re GOD! Can’t you fix this? Can’t you give me some indication, some sort of sign that you’ve really got this? That we’re making progress? Because it doesn’t look like anything’s changing.

Love her.  Love them. Love yourself.  Love me.  That’s all I get.  And I suppose that’s all I need to worry about. Because He obviously thinks that’s enough for now.