The backdrop for all love languages*, as I understand, is a desire to connect; we just feel love in different ways. My daughters and sister, for instance, relish a little package of mints on their pillows, the carefully selected birthday necklace mailed across the miles; they can tell by these small tokens that someone is thinking of them and knows them enough to choose well. My husband tries to create opportunities for closeness by asking me to go for long summer-morning walks and reserving Thursdays for lunch; my other sister loves going for ice cream or even to Costco as a family. Our kids have always been affectionate and we’re all very “huggable,” as Mitchell used to say. Our youngest daughter would often come to me in her preschool days when she wanted to cuddle, so I’d leave my rubber gloves and dishes and wrap her up in my arms and we’d just snuggle on the couch together for as long as she wanted. I loved it when my dad filled up my gas tank and it made me feel so loved when a friend rencently helped me paint; I know others appreciate a homemade meal. I, like many of my friends and maybe some of you, feel love through words.
With all the others, you don’t really need to wait for someone to do anything. Obviously it’s not the same if you have to instigate the exchange, but really, in a pinch, you can simply make it happen. Buy yourself a pair of shoes or a pack of gum or a fun pair of earrings if you’re a gifts person. Go give her a hug (confession, I do this all the time, my second love language is physical touch), cuddle with one of the kids, give someone a back scratch in church, sit close to your spouse and grab his hand if you’re physical touch. If you’re acts of service, simply ask him to vacuum out the car for you, suggest he make dinner on Sunday, ask if he’ll run an errand for you and take a kid with him. And if you’re quality time, ask someone to lunch, drop by to visit a friend, plan an outing, invite a family over. Easy peasy.
But what happens if you’re words? Tell me what you like about me. Let’s talk about ___. Why do you like being my friend? Oh man, what could be worse than having words of affirmation for your love language?
Here’s the thing. It’s the of affirmation part that throws me off. Writing out, seeing, or even hearing the complete tagline of affirmation gives me chills every time. It sounds so needy and desperate, clingy, like we need coddling because we’re weak and insecure. Who wants to be that kind of person? That’s the super uncomfortable part of this particular love language. The part I hate.
And I know I have a tendency to blow them off them when people tell me something nice (aren’t most of us like that?). A true friend (actually more than one… ok several have) pulled me aside and called me out on it. I’m working on it because I want to be gracious, and I want my friends to know I love and appreciate them. Such a weak weak area of mine. And yet I love their kindnesses so much—they make me feel like floating! However, I don’t like hearing things in front of others because it’s embarrassing, it feels like I’m basking in it, wanting attention. I so want to be humble, but I make it awkward. I’m always in a quandary. In private is not as bad but still a little bad. I love notes or little cards in my mail pile amid the bills and advertisements. And not that everyone likes notes, but I think everyone likes to know that they’re making some little difference in the world, that their efforts have had influence.
It’s not like we words-people need a lot of compliments. I totally agree with Mark Twain, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” But a sincere compliment propels us to work even harder on whatever someone noticed. And so we have something to keep us busy for at least a couple of months! A compliment just helps us recognize the traits in ourselves that we don’t see, latent or underdeveloped buds of talents, a strength that we didn’t know anyone noticed. And I don’t think I’m the only one who appreciates this. I think it makes Todd feel good when someone compliments him on his flooring or kind doctor manner or his easy-to-get-along-with personality. I love sharing these compliments with him when I hear them, and I do think it makes him feel good. And we know it’s just good parenting (and human relations) to share positive affirmations as often as we think to—as long as they’re sincere.
I can’t speak for all my words-friends, but my favorite compliments have nothing to do with my outside. I’m not into clothes or shoes, I have no idea what to do with my hair, I always forget to do my toenails (even for church, good grief), I can see my tummy even though I try to tuck it in when I go out in public. It’s obvious we couldn’t care less what our cars look like. Food… I figure anyone can find the same recipe and make whatever I’ve made.
But I love when people compliment our house. Not the looks of it (although it’s highly amusing to me when they do; a little pair of girls slept over the other night and they slowly went around looking at all our decorations declaring it a beautiful house and I couldn’t help but laugh right out loud with Todd because we’ve got eyes, we know what it looks like, just funny). No, what I love is when people say they love the way it feels in our house. I love when they say it feels like home. I like it when they open the fridge and ask what we had for dinner or if we have any more cantaloupe; that shows they feel at home here. It warms my heart when they find themselves a glass and make chocolate milk. I sense they feel comfortable. And when they say something to that end, I swoon.
I love when Todd brings home something nice he hears. It happens like once every six months, but still, it warms my heart and it’s plenty! I don’t really care about stuff like we have cute cows (we think they’re cute too, but we didn’t have anything in the world to do with making them). No, what melts my heart is when someone felt something from a conversation we had or that something from a talk we gave made them think differently or feel better, that they enjoyed their time at our house, that something we did made their life easier or helped them feel noticed and cared about. I can’t do much about the looks of anything, but I love helping people feel good.
It’s been good to mull this over because it’s helped me understand what my (maybe our?) core need is as a words person. I think I’m just like all of you with your various languages; I simply want to connect with people. I want to bridge the gap between our perceived differences, I yearn for closeness, for everyone to be heard and validated.
What I crave is connection through words. (I have no idea if any other words people are like this, for whatever reason we haven’t talked about it.) So for me that means good conversation. Small talk is extremely tiresome to me. Because I feel like we’re not going anywhere. We’re up in the clouds talking about the weather; I want to go for a long walk on the beach and talk about everything else. Just a meaningful, heartfelt exchange of real feelings and honest thoughts. Cozy evenings by the fire with friends. A corner booth with hot chocolate on a chilly morning. A long walk in the fall leaves. A car trip where we have miles and miles to just talk and talk and talk. I simply love it when someone trusts me with her heart. When we find common ground. When we’ve experienced the same thing and can talk about it. When we both feel validated. It creates a closeness that fills me right up.
I have friends who tell me about their words-kids who want to talk forever about every detail, and I bet a lot of words-people are like that. I don’t care how many sequins were on her dress or what gun you used for your elk, but I love talking about social issues and how my friends came to their conclusions, what they care about and what worries them. Conversation helps me know people, and I have come to learn that that it’s when you get to know someone that you come to love them. And so it helps when your words-daughter doesn’t get shut down, when she’s free to talk for as long as she wants. It's validating and filling her bucket.
I tried to explain to my quality-time husband how important it is to be heard. When we’re having a good conversation about our kids or an important decision we need to make and then suddenly it shoots off to talking about the garden or hunting, I feel deflated. Bor-ring. And so disappointing. I thought we had something, I thought we were connecting. I told him it’s like us cuddling in bed on a rainy Saturday morning or lingering outside at the patio table on a beautiful summer evening after dinner and me jumping up to go clear the dishes or get the laundry started. The abrupt ending ruins a perfectly fulfilling moment. I’m wondering if other words-people may feel the same?
So how can someone like my husband, for whom words is like his 21st love language, hope to connect with me and other words-friends in a way that is meaningful? How can those of you who like to hang out or who like buying gifts or who just want to cuddle on the couch show your words-loving family and friends you care about them in a way that resonates with them?
People have told me a million times they aren’t words people, that they don’t know how to do it. I tell them all it really is the thought that counts (at least in my case). I don’t care about how clumsy or awkward or clunky they think their words are, not at all. It just means so much that they would make the effort, that they care enough to try when they send me a note or say something nice or share a long texting conversation with me. I always tell people who want to connect with their words-people to just be sincere, real, themselves; don’t try to make it sound good, just say what you really think in a way you would talk. It’s like getting a back rub from your kids who aren’t specially trained—who cares? Or having a friend come to keep you company at the hospital who doesn’t really know what to say or do. Just the fact that they sincerely want to show you love, that’s what matters. It’s easier than you think.
A quick text is the perfect way to start—text your teenagers anything, a joke, an emoji, any sort of thinking of you, encouragement for a test or interview. Text a friend how much it meant that she’d meet you for a walk and how great it was to catch up. A kiss emoji to a spouse and I love you.
Point out anything you notice in the people around you. Fun outfit! Creative way to decorate, love your style. I love how I can open up with you. Thanks for doing the dishes and wiping off the counters. That was a great paper.
Be specific, just say what comes to mind. Don’t keep it inside just because it doesn’t seem that important or because you don’t have the right words to say it. Share compliments you hear from teachers and other adults or other kids with your kids.
When the thought comes to write a note, don’t worry what kind of paper you have, what your handwriting looks like, how long it needs to be, or what you’ll say. Just say the real words that come to mind. Guaranteed, a words-person doesn’t care one bit about any of the other stuff. Leave a sticky note on her bathroom mirror or bedroom door, send a Hallmark card that says all the words for you, write on her napkin in her lunch.
To be honest, I don’t know what all words-people need or want, but I know she’ll tell you if you ask. Our kids may not be able to express that they like to hear nice things, but they will appreciate any attempt we make, no matter how inept we feel. I just know how much it means to me when people engage in good conversation and how it warms my heart when someone points out an effort I’ve made, something that’s unique about me, or how I’ve helped or made a difference. And I imagine most words-people feel the same.
- Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
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