Have you ever found yourself tangled in knots over some perceived misunderstanding? If not, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, this is definitely not going to resonate. But this is something I’ve been working on for the past year or so. Although it feels like I keep having more opportunities than I’m comfortable with. Maybe I’m just finally addressing this weak area. For whatever my vulnerability’s worth, here’s what I’ve been learning lately.
I have no idea what instigated this change. Or how I’ve become so bold. Maybe it’s just getting older and realizing how fast life goes. And recognizing that all that matters in life is our relationships. And so I’ve wanted to protect them and to save them, to not just dismiss them when I don’t understand or when I feel foolish or hurt. I’m realizing how much my friendships and family relationships mean to me, and I’m willing to put in some effort to maintain them and to make them stronger. Which is exactly what’s happened in nearly every single instance when I’ve mustered up the courage to clear up misunderstandings. And maybe that won’t always be the case. I’m just getting started, and knowing how I am, guaranteed I’ll continue to get plenty of experience in the years to come. So maybe they won't all work out, who knows?
Anyway, some instances come to mind where I wasn’t sure exactly what was going on and things weren’t sitting right, I felt unsettled. I wasn’t sure what was off, but I found myself filling in the blanks and the stories I was making up didn’t feel good. So, even if the truth would be difficult to hear, I wanted to do whatever I could to make things better. I took this adage from the scriptures to heart.
“Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother” (Matt 18:15).
Well, I sort of took some liberty with it and just feel like it there’s any discord, if I have a question about something that’s happened, the best recourse and quickest way to make amends is to go directly to that person. Not others. Not gossip. Just between thee and him alone.
You probably don’t need all these details, but just so you can see how easily things could’ve gotten away from me, how quickly I could’ve dismissed a friendship over a simple misunderstanding, a few examples of how getting the other side, an explanation, a different perspective, has made all the difference.
My sister and I had the great idea for our three nephews (our other sister’s kids) to come spend part of the summer with us. Their mom said thanks but no. Her response felt a little short but I also knew she had a million things going on with work and her personal life, so I chalked it up to her being distracted and busy. Though I did wonder if she didn’t think I’d be responsible for them, if I’d be mean to them, if she didn’t think I’d be sweet enough. I felt sad thinking that might be the case. But instead of stewing and making up a story, I decided to be brave and just ask her why not. As she explained her reasoning, that it’s too expensive to get them all the way up here for such a short time, it’s just easier to keep things steady, etc., I totally agreed with her and understood immediately where she was coming from. Easy as making a quick phone call and all was well.
I had a dear friend who made a comment on a blog I’d written. Honestly, I can’t even tell you what it was about or any of the details, I can’t remember! But I do recall wondering at the time if I’d said something offensive in it or if what I’d written could be mis-taken, and so I immediately took it down. She was so gracious and has many times over tried to console me and make amends. For something she didn’t even do! She cared enough about our friendship to call me on the phone. Even though she admitted it was scary. I felt dumb. But loved. Before and since, we’ve had long and heart-felt conversations; she made me the cutest little painted card that I think I’ll cherish forever. I feel like we are tight, that she is a trusted friend and confidant, that we have become closer and a lot more open with each other because of this. My love for her has soared.
I had another friend I got in contact with because I just hadn’t heard much from her over the past year or so. Before that, we’d gone back and forth a bit and I thought we were good. But then an abrupt stop. And so I fretted, wondering what I’d said or done. Finally I messaged her just to get back in contact and to let her know I’d missed her, and it was brilliant! I felt so good about making the (scary) effort. Because she could’ve easily ignored me. But we’ve known each other since jr. high, so I felt it was a risk worth taking. We caught up on what our kids and families are doing, what our lives are like, where we are. It was such a relief to hear back from her and to chat. It’s just nice to know we’re still good instead of wondering what went wrong. My love for her has grown from these simply interactions as well.
And just last week I had to bravely ask the person I volunteer for if she even still wanted me to continue. I felt I’d made such a mess of things with their filing system, I wanted to give her an easy out, a chance for her to tell me she didn’t need my help anymore. But as we texted back and forth, she reassured me and made me feel that I really was making things easier for her (even if she’d had to go searching for some misplaced papers the nurses couldn’t find in their binders!). I’d been fretting and worried about this all week, and when I finally faced it and brought it up, I felt such relief as we talked. I suggested she make a sample binder to help me learn, which she did. And I determined to pay more attention to what I was doing, to ask more questions if something was unfamiliar. I prayed to be more conscientious, to be able to do a good job. I’m so glad I was brave and admitted I was flustered and that we talked about it. It has been even better ever since. I feel lighter, I feel more comfortable working with her and enjoy her company, and I’m not as uptight, making it easier to do a careful job.
I have oodles of examples I could share, I feel like I’ve been in tangles my whole life. And I have many regrets as I think back to missed opportunities. I so often took the “easy” way out and talked about my issues with others instead of going directly to the person I had uncertainties about. One that always comes to mind is when I was a youth leader and our presidency wasn’t unified. It makes me sad that I gave up without ever talking about it with them.
But maybe you have some of your own. With less and less personal interaction, with more miles between us, with all that’s going on in our lives, there’s more room for miscommunication these days. Especially if we limit ourselves to email, texting, and messaging. I have learned to stop using impersonal means of communication when something more than when and where are at stake. If we want or need to talk about something personal or regarding feelings, we need to do it in person, or at least on the phone.
I’m impressed, and so inspired, by the loving reactions of nearly every single person I’ve talked with when there’s been something off in our relationship. Even if it’s just me being hyper- sensitive when there’s nothing even going on. With very few exceptions, we’ve resolved the issue (that honestly has always been a simple misunderstanding or lack of information) immediately and have strengthened our relationship.
I just wonder if we could start doing this more. Can we talk with our spouses, our kids, our girlfriends, our sisters, our co-workers, our employers, our committee members, our fellow church goers, friends from years ago, whoever, and clear the air? Can we humbly approach them and lovingly ask what went wrong, where we’ve contributed, why the disconnect, if there even is an issue at all? I think it’s easier to ignore it all. To let them make the first move. To tell ourselves it’s them. But maybe we just need to start somewhere. Maybe it doesn’t matter who initiates the conversation. In my experience, it’s worth feeling vulnerable and foolish because it’s almost always made things better. What matters is that we get on it, the sooner the better, that we do it privately, and that we do it with love.
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