Leaving

I can hear the moans in my head.  Why do we have to be the weird ones? Why do we always have to stay? I simply switch channels and tune them out.  As far back as we can remember, we’ve just stuck around as a family to help clean up after a church dinner or activity.  Telling the kids to put away chairs along with everyone else is as natural as bringing a potluck dish.  Sometimes one of them will get to vacuum, but other than that and maybe some tables, I’m honestly not sure how much we contribute to the overall clean-up.  I remember back on some evenings assessing the situation when they were really young and realizing that it would help the overall production most if I would simply gather my five littles and leave, in effect relieving a great deal of the chaos.  I laughed as we were finishing up the last activity’s clean up.  It came down the final tasks and we were all sort of slow dancing around the mostly cleaned up work, asking each other what else we should do. By this point we were less than useful, and so Todd called it an afternoon.

You’ve all lived long enough to have debunked the myth that you should never go to bed angry, that most of the time the best thing you can do for your spouse or kid or other loved one is to just go to bed with it unresolved.  We all know how cranky and irritable we get when we’re tired, so letting go of an issue long enough to get some sleep is such an easy and effective way to maintain a loving relationship.  I tell Todd all the time as it nears 10 that I just need to go to sleep. I’m not mad, I totally love you, I’m just feeling myself getting irritable and I know I need to go to bed and leave all this till the morning.  He calls it powering down.

As I thought about these two common situations, I wondered what warrants leaving.  Is there a tipping point when it becomes obvious, when you just know?

Most women I know would definitely hesitate  before leaving a hairdresser even if she can’t get it right no matter how many pictures we’ve shown her.  But what about an insurance company when the rates skyrocket after a freak hailstorm?  A house that’s closing in on you even though you love your neighborhood?  A job that’s not paying or challenging enough anymore?  A major, a religion, a country, a group of friends, a team.  We’re constantly assessing situations, weighing whether to stay or leave.  And when the timing will be right.

There are obviously times when it’s just smart to leave early: before the littles have a meltdown at a dinner party or Disneyland, before the lunch turns gossipy, before it snows when you have a long drive home.  Of course, be smart, leave while you still have your wits about you, while it’s still relatively easy to extricate yourself from the situation.  But so often we’ve pushed our luck and paid the price.  Staying out in the sun even when we feel the tingling and people start to talk about our pink shoulders.  Staying in our seats during an uncomfortable movie or comedy routine or even a new novel.  So many times we really should’ve walked away from the dessert buffet a few cupcakes back.  Or left TJ Maxx before we needed a cart.

But sometimes it’s not all that obvious.

Is it wise to leave a perfectly good situation (job, house, city) based on a feeling that you need to be somewhere else?

When do you leave your childbearing years behind for good?  Are you sure?  Once things get easier, do you revisit your decision?

When do you rescue your kids and when do you leave them to figure things out on their own? Is it different depending on the kid or the circumstance?

Do you continue to ask a friend to spend time with you after multiple declines?  But do your feelings change you find out she’s been sick all this time without letting on?

When do you leave a boyfriend? A wife? A friend? A relative? (Isn’t family the hardest of all to know about?)

I think we all know when we've stayed too long, but will we ever know the ramifications of having left too early?  Have we given up when we should've hung in there?

Sometimes we stay because we want to give it/her/him/the group another chance; most of us aren’t quitters and pride ourselves in our stick-to-itiveness.  I tried 4-H for a year with the kids.  Monday evening meetings at the little country church and archery in the next town over, the auction yard downtown, the fair.  I traveled back roads in the snowy, dark nights with all the kids, holing up in the little library with the remaining four while one shot his bow.  We took care of his pig all summer.  But after that obligatory year commitment, we left and never looked back.  It was one of the best leaving decisions I’ve ever made. 

But don’t we waffle? Don’t we sometimes mistakenly believe—or tell ourselves—there is still good ahead and just a little more time will prove it?  One more clearance rack, one more cake pop, one more soccer season, one more date, one more invite, one more chapter, one more chance.  I’m telling you, this is muddy pond water, how do you know for sure when it’s time to move on?

The thing is there’s no formula.  Because every person, situation, life, and set of circumstances is so different. Maybe we think it’s clear, it’s not working anymore, it's obviously time to call it. But that’s dangerous.  Even as it feels safe.

Because you just never know.  We can’t see the future, so this is the stuff that requires mindfulness.  Being in touch with your heart.  And with God.  I've drawn on these verses more times than I can count,

"Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.

"Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.  But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.

"But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong." 

I’m not talking about the park or Costco time-to-go-home-decisions, but definitely when we’re considering leaving people.  Because God knows what’s going on behind the curtain and what’s hiding in her heart.  We may think our teenager is begging for freedom when really she’s crying out to know we care.  Maybe you think your efforts aren’t noticed at work or on the committee, you're ready to walk; but you likely have no idea the difference you’re making in someone’s life.  We’ve given them enough chances, it's been too long, they'll never change. But does God think so? Possibly.  But when it comes to people and relationships, I want to be sure.

I’m not making that decision for you.  And he won’t either.  But I can guarantee he will help you know when it’s time to leave.  And when it’s best to stay just a little longer.