Dating rules

I just went to check on my 16 year old the other evening, just to hug her and catch up, nothing unusual, just our little thing.  But then, maybe because she’d just come home from a fancy dance the night before, she asked me a question out of the blue. 

What are our family rules for dating?

I’m not usually this ill-prepared, but this time she caught me off-guard; I had to scroll through my entire parenting guide twice. Nothing. We’re not really a rule family.  I almost couldn’t think of a single rule we have.  Expectations yes, of course.  But hard, fast rules???

We’ve never really had bedtimes (eventually you’ll figure out what needs to happen if you’re tired during the day).  Or even curfews (around 10:30 or so, let us know what you’re doing and we’ll talk about it). I guess we have food rules like no pre-packaged foods except for lunches (too expensive).  No ice cream just for fun during the week unless it’s a special occasion.  But we don’t spell out how many spears of broccoli they need to eat before they can leave the table, and we don’t dictate birthday parties (i.e., one year friends, one year family), we just go with feels right.  We do have tv/computer rules now that I think about it. And of course they need to do chores and dishes and laundry, all that stuff.  But did we have any other real rules? I was befuddled.  Especially if we were talking about dating rules, something I’d never thought about.

I told her I’d always wished my parents had given me some guidance in this arena, but obviously they parented a lot like Todd and I do, even more so.  So yeah, no rules.

I had to think off the cuff.

1.  No opposite sex in bedrooms.  (This never, ever occurred to me until I was getting a tour of his house after Todd got home from his mission and we ended up looking at a fish tank in one of the brothers’ bedrooms. I had no idea this was a thing until his parents called us out on it.  Who knew?)

2.  No lying down in hammocks or beds or couches together.  (I’m also not fond of cuddling under blankets on a cozy couch in the dark watching movies.  Well, more accurately, I’m fond of it; I’m just not fond of any of my kids or their friends doing it.)

Whoa! This was starting to feel a little like those getting-ready charts we’d hung up when they were in preschool.  So not like us.  So let’s go back. Scratch all that.  Instead of listing a bunch of whats, I thought it was more important for us to talk about the whys about dating in general.

Basically, date with no regrets.  Respect him—whoever it is.  In all likelihood you’re probably not going to marry someone you date in high school; you might, but you most likely won’t.  Behave in a way so you won’t be embarrassed down the road when you meet up again at a PTA meeting or you have to serve in church assignments with each other or your kids start becoming friends with each other and he comes over to pick up his daughter.  Don’t do anything with him that you hope no one will ever find out about.  Treat him as you would like someone to treat your brother or sister. 

Dress in a way that allows you to talk.  That doesn’t distract him.  That shows him you respect both yourself and him.  This isn’t being sexist, this is being classy.  And a lady.  Dating should never be about sex.  Dating is to help you get to know each other.  So dress and act like the confident, secure, modest person you are.  True beauty shines on its own, any guy worth your time will notice and appreciate that.

Inspire him to be his best self.  You should elevate each other; your influence on each other should make you both want to be better in all sorts of ways.  Encourage each other in school, help him as he prepares for a mission.  Keep your goals and future in mind.

And yes, talk.  Talk, talk, talk.  About politics, religion, books, questions, goals, what you want out of life, what you worry about, what you love, where you want to go and be and do.  Really get to know each other, engage in worthwhile conversation and include others, discover a new point of view, hear another perspective, try to see where he’s coming from.

Stay in groups.  Go on all kinds of dates.  Try to incorporate service (such a mom quip, but any chance you get…) now and then.  Have fun together.  Don’t get serious.  I tell her all the time that I never had a boyfriend I stayed friends with.  From my own experience, getting serious changes it all and it’s never really the same again. Sad.  

And don’t ditch your girlfriends for a guy.  It’s so hard to feel pulled in two directions when you already have so many other things going on.  I remember having to choose between eating lunch with my friends and being loyal to a boyfriend. Right now, at the risk of sounding old fashioned and out of touch (like I care), it’s more important to be true to your girls.  These relationships can last forever and can ride the waves of boyfriends coming and going.  True friendships are worth nurturing and spending good energy on.

Yes, this is a crazy mix of feelings.  People gravitate toward each other, it’s natural, it feels good when someone you like likes you back, it’s new and exciting, of course we get that. We wouldn’t you to not have these experiences.

But dating right now is not supposed to look like you’re married. Dating at this stage is to help you figure out what you like and want in a future husband.  It’s a chance to interact with lots of different people and personalities.  To expose you to a variety of situations, some that will possibly even stretch you. Of course it’s meant to be fun.  But it’s more than just having fun. Just like life is more than a joy ride.

Try to remember we’ve also been 16.  And 17 and 20.  Looking back, I’d say take it easy.  Enjoy your friendships.  With guys and girls.  Date.  Have a great time.  It’s fine to like someone.  But to tie yourself to another 16 year old and pretend you’re more grown up than you are, that’s just a lot of pressure you’re not emotionally ready for at this age.

It’s a timing thing.  Down the road we will be encouraging you to get a bit more serious.  But these next few years are critical, there’s so much to learn and experience before you’re emotionally mature to handle a real partnership.

But that’s just mom talk.  We’ve always let you decide for yourself, we’re not going to tell you your business and tack up a chart of rules, you’re old enough to think for yourself.  But just remember we’ve been where you are, we were 16 once, we get it.  We’re just glad you asked.