Choosing badminton

I remember back to 1988 when I was a sophomore in high school.  Kelly green shorts and matching white t-shirt with green ribbing.  All through jr. high and our freshman year of high school we dressed out for p.e. in these little uniforms.  But for our second year of p.e. we could wear any comfortable clothes we wanted and we got to choose what we wanted to do for our physical education for the year.  I’m not sure what the other choices were, but I recall two.  Everyone I knew chose the local fitness center/gym option.  But in my heart I really wanted to take racquet sports.  I just really wanted to learn how to play tennis, and I’d never played badminton or racquetball so I thought it'd be fun.  The choice was simple, I don’t recall ever really debating it. And I’m so grateful I listened to my own mind, all these years later.  I loved playing tennis and racquetball and badminton that year, I actually looked forward to p.e. for the first time ever.  I met a guy (a senior) that I ended up dating and having a great time with.  I played tennis with the high school team and for fun with friends.  I even ended up taking tennis in college and enjoyed playing many summer nights with other BYU students.  I played racquetball with my future husband on dates.  I've introduced and played badminton with my kids.  I'm still really bad at all of them, but to this day I love racquet sports!  I loved the thrill of learning a new and lifelong skill and the rules of the game, as well as the new friends I acquired.  Obviously, this simple decision impacted my life in more ways than being able to avoid the gym for a year.  But I draw on it to illustrate how good it felt to make a choice based on what I wanted rather than other variables.  Both were fine options, but I’m glad I decided to go with the one that felt  like me.

But, if we’re honest, how often do we really do that? Do we know our own minds, who we are, what we truly like?  And how likely are we to go with that?

I’m not talking about how as moms and dads we make sacrifices to not read or play golf all day  everyday so we can spend time with our kids or how we kind of rein in our eating out to save on family expenses.  I’m talking about the other stuff, maybe the fluffier stuff, the details that create our personality.

Most little kids are good at this.  I have two boys whose favorite colors were pink and purple when they were younger, although they both do still choose to wear pink.  I have a daughter who was obsessed with Match Box cars.  You’ve seen preschoolers who dress themselves; they know what they like, what colors and clothes they feel good in, and how they like to do their hair.

The few years of junior high and high school are perhaps the hardest to be completely honest in this regard.  I remember buying the white record of the Beatles.  A friend liked it, my Scottish mom grew up on them, I just figured with a little exposure I’d learn to like them.  I listened to their music dutifully for probably years until I finally confessed to myself that their music really kind of grated on me.  I got rid of it and felt relieved. 

I took a class in high school for no other reason than it totally appealed to me, Male-Female Roles.  Again, no one I knew was in the class; I just loved the discussions and learning. In college I couldn’t get enough of my family science classes, they were so interesting to me that I would’ve continued taking them just for fun.  I took other classes that resonated with me, environmental science, history of dance, ballroom dance, ballet (did you know I have a secret passion for dancing!?), tennis, and sewing.  These classes all called out to me, they were so me! (Except sewing, our relationship is still strained.)

But I remember growing out my hair beginning back in 6th grade after a lifetime of Dorothy Hamill types, curling my stick-straight strands and puffing up my bangs all through the 80s, you did it too.  Back in high school I already knew guys liked long hair (which is the dumbest reason in the universe to do anything), and every girl I knew had long hair.  But I look like a witch with long hair.  I suit a short bob and I always go back to it even after I’ve grown my hair out for awhile (which I’ve done several times over the years, it’s a mess), it’s what feels like me.  But how long does it take to figure stuff like this out?  About 30 years is all, I’ve had short hair for the past 15.

Some of us are like this with clothes too.  I’m always getting hand-me-downs and shopping in second-hand stores.  But it wasn’t until a couple years back that I really started thinking about what I like and would like to dress like if I could just choose.  My sister who sends me her old clothes is super sporty and so all her clothes are athletic and casual.  They fit her personality perfectly; but I always felt like I was playing dress-up, pretending I could pass for athletic, but never feeling myself at all.  So I took some time, and after looking online and getting really honest with myself, I discovered what I like.  But I rarely dress in the clothes I actually like because 1) her hand-me-downs are still in good shape and I’m too cheap to buy new clothes unnecessarily; they’re fine for now, and 2) nearly every day is just a work-get-dirty sort of day or a day I’ll go or need comfortable clothes and shoes to work at the library or go walking with a friend, and so I just wear jeans and a t-shirt most everyday of my life.  The only day I wear an “outfit” is to church on Sunday for a few hours. I can’t be bothered dressing in clothes that I have to be careful with, and jewels and scarfs would totally get in my way even though they look darling on other people.  I know no one in the world would guess that I actually love an edgy (but classy) look.  I love my black leather jacket, buckled boots, dark gray graphic t-shirts, big metal earrings, skinny olive green or black or gray ankle pants, black strapless heels, pencil skirts, edgy prints.  So when I’m out shopping (at my second-hand stores of course) I really try to be mindful of this.  I know how much better I feel when I’m wearing clothes I’ve picked out that fit this style.  I know all of us unconsciously feel better in some pieces than others, but I don’t know if we’ve ever taken time to really assess it.  These days there are online shopping services (and books of course) that try to direct us to our personal feel-good style.  If we have the choice when we go out, better to get something that feels completely like us rather than going off what’s only trendy for a moment.

Thank goodness we come full-circle as we age.  Hallelujah!!! The older I get, the more I grant myself permission to bow out of things I don’t like (impromptu backyard volleyball games, wearing a bathing suit if I don’t have to) and I unabashedly admit that I’m happiest in my pajamas with a book or a puzzle with country music or a podcast on.  I’ll also readily confess I really don’t love vegetables all that much and I’m kind of sick of salads (one of a few things I still do even though I’d prefer not to).  But I love how it changes nothing.  People who want to be my friend still are, stating my preferences doesn’t change that.  In fact, I’m drawn to people who know their own mind, who are confident in what they like and don’t care for.  We tease each other in book group, they know I’ll skip the fantasy reads and another can’t stand the historical fiction ones some of the rest of us like, it’s all good.  We’re like sisters and it doesn’t bother us, it’s actually so great to have such diverse perspective.

I've been thinking about going back to work or at least volunteering a little more.  But when I look around at what my friends are doing, it makes me crazy, anxious, nervous.  I don't want to sub in school.  I don't want to be a court advocate.  Or be in charge of a huge social cause. Those ideas terrify me.  And so I've had to ask myself what I can do, what interests me, where my strengths lie.  I like reading.  And encouraging others to read.  I like quiet situations.  But I like to work in busy places.  And so I've been thinking about all the things that feel like me and I settled right down; somewhere in this community there's got to be a place I can use my abilities and interests.  I'm no closer to finding a volunteer or employment solution, but I feel encouraged simply because I'm not trying to do what everyone else is doing, I'm trying to find something that feels right to me.

And life can be so enriching as we’re true to what feels real to us.  My daughter has twice, when we’ve gone out to breakfast, chosen fish, love it!  I’ll get a hot fudge malt any time we’re somewhere they make them, but if banana cream pie is an option I’ll get that instead, hands down my favorite even though it’s not for many.  I like old slow country love songs that aren’t really “in” right now.  I read weird books that I’m almost embarrassed to tell people about.  I watch documentaries and have no idea what all these series are my friends are talking about.  No, I’ll likely never join a gym even though that seems to be what women my age do, it’s just not my style.  And no, I don’t want to diet or watch a scary movie. My sister loves the desert and hot sun, I love the mountains and seasons; in fact, all four of us choose to have to live apart from each other because our surroundings fit us so well.  Our 14 year old son chose cross country this year even though most of his friends were doing football again, and our daughter chose not to do volleyball even though most of her friends signed up.  Another son made knives as a teenager, not the most mainstream job for someone his age; it just felt like him.  And another daughter sews, something she calls a grandma hobby and laughs about.  They still dress like all their friends (don’t all teenagers?), but I love some of the unique outfits our one daughter comes up with, not caring what others will think, she just knows it feels good.  I have learned so much from her and her unwavering confidence.  In fact, all my kids teach me this as they choose their bedroom decorations (our 14 year old son has black and white photos and maps; another daughter has a record player and handcrafted yarn hanging plant holder) and what they decide to read and do for entertainment (that same 14 year old is enamored with everything farming and his favorite computer game is Farming Simulator, not necessarily what all his friends are into).  For some reason, they’re pretty comfortable about doing things that feel like them.

Think how empowering this would be if our kids could learn early on to be true to themselves.  If they can make up their minds about the smallest details, admitting they like a certain song or book or style when no one else around them does, think how that little bit of confidence can help them out on the next level.  How much easier it will be to say No, I don’t want to watch that (inappropriate) movie, or No, I’m not into drinking.  Confidence builds as we start them young, as we allow them to make simple decisions for themselves when the consequences are small.  And every decision they make that is authentic boosts their strength and adds to their genuinely-them personality.

Keep in mind that I don’t mean for us to become impertinent, not at all.  Obviously.  It goes without saying that we take turns choosing the restaurant, the movie, the flowers for the pots this year.  Not everything needs to be our choice.  I’m just saying, instead of going with the flow, instead of looking at what’s trending, instead of remaining in a rut, instead of doing what’s become habit, stop and think if this is really me and is this what I’d honestly keep doing if I had a choice.  And then when you do, make it a conscious one.

Just something to think about when you (or your kids) have a decision to make.  Instead of going with what you’ve always done, maybe start to encourage yourself (and them) to be more mindful.  Because our choices make up who we become.  I know you have a million other more important things to do in your days, and I realize that asking yourself what hobby you’ve always wanted to take up or getting rid of the (expensive) jeans you’ve always felt frumpy in isn’t a top priority, but maybe who you authentically are and who you decide to become is one of those more important things.  With all the look-alikes, copycats, facades, and phony veneers these days, I think we can all appreciate how refreshing it is to have friends who are real, who we can count on to be genuine, who are confident in who they are in even the little things.  And so maybe it’s not a bad idea to think about some of these minor, everyday alternatives a little more and become that kind of person and friend ourselves.