Fears

Just read a list I'd written in my journal awhile back entitled fears. But oddly enough I’m not afraid of traditional culprits like snakes, cockroaches, spiders or germs. I leave even the wolf spiders on our stairs—they’ll eventually go back to wherever they were hiding. Or if pressed by a child, I’ll scoop it up and provide it a new habitat outside. And I’m totally not opposed to eating a carrot or cookie that I accidentally dropped on the kitchen floor—good grief, I’m always mopping it—it’s always (mostly) clean. Regular things don’t bother me. So, for no good reason, just because, here’s the short list:

finding part of a chicken in an egg, seeing a mouse in my house or evidence or a streak of dark fast movement (so much experience with this—ugh!!), deep water, parking garages, of course driving on ice, flying (kind of), driving alone at night, impromptu speaking, deep thumping bass (residual from growing up in what Todd calls “the ghetto”), driving alone at night or on long trips, missed opportunities, mouse traps (I’m afraid of getting snapped), electricity (like sparks), that we can’t afford our life, heights, weird meat from non-traditional animals, flesh wounds (scrapes gross me out way more than whole body surgeries), going blind, bears, asking people for help or donations, dying (kind of—can’t decide. Mostly I’m afraid of making my family sad by leaving them prematurely. That and I’m not sure what it will be like. Like anyone does.), that I’ll be in a church leadership position someday and it will discovered that I really don’t know my scriptures very well--that I'm a fraud, having to visit scary places for church or other volunteering, that I should’ve had at least one more baby and quit too early (but there again, I was afraid for my health and life if I did…), that I appear to have all the answers, that I'm a busy-body, that I'm not making the most of my time on earth, that my kids will be less than they could’ve been with a different mom, that I should’ve taught them more/better, hurting people unintentionally, reviewing my life and seeing that I did, having to act or perform or lead music, that I’m not funny, being in charge of anything bigger than my family, and that I’ll never have my kids around once they leave for college.
 
BUT the great news is it's a new week!!! I love a new morning, a new week, a new year... I love starting again and facing my fears. I can't find all the mice, avoid ice, or flesh wounds, but I can certainly spend more time with my kids, practice skills that make me nervous, and generally try to live each day without regret.