Better to fix it before it's broken

So six or so years ago our house was brand new.  Even more than brand new.  It wasn’t even all the way finished. But we’d been staying with friends, school was starting in a couple of days, we moved in anyway and just tried to avoid the workers.  I felt so bad messing up their flow, but I also felt kind of desperate to be independent again.  A new house smell is intoxicating: the fresh paint and just laid carpet smells coalesce.  To us, the cabinets were flawless.  Our carpenter was a craftsman and knew exactly how to make our mantel feel like us, even what kind of closet configuration would work—we left it all up to him and loved his work.  The walls were seamless and the painters, expert.  The yard would come later of course.  But introduce 5 kids, 3 dogs, mud and snow, I don’t know how many puppies, and hundreds and hundreds of visitors of all ages over the next several years and you know what we’re dealing with.  Baseboards are chipped, walls look like ice picks or at least hammers were part of some creative play.  The table’s been scraped to the wood.  Beds have been jumped on to the point of breaking at least five times.  Blankets have been pinned to the walls, Christmas lights framed windows with nails.  We even have holes in the pantry door where I asked Todd to drill so we could add a hook and eye lock back when the kids and snacks were harder to keep track of.  We sometimes stop and take a little look around at all the dings and repairs we’d have to address if we were to ever sell.  We’ve even made a list.  You can only imagine what it will look like in another 20 years if we don’t keep up on it along the way.  The exterior needs a power wash every now and then.  The lawn could get a little unruly if the boys didn’t mow.  The garage needs an overhaul at the beginning and end of the summer.  Todd rototills the gardens each season, and the raspberry canes get cut back every fall.  The walls really could use a touch-up.  Or a re-do.   Just a little easier to keep up on things along the way before things are so far gone you hardly know where to start.

A little like a marriage.  I think it started getting to me when three friends’ husbands died a few years back.   And then a college roommate’s husband had an affair and left them.  I hear about it happening all the time.  Friends divorced.  I know things could happen to us too, life is real and we’re just normal people.  It scared me, in a way, having losses hit so close to home.  Made me think.  I wondered if I’d have regrets if I happened to lose him.  I think if we’re honest with ourselves we’d probably all admit we would.

But like our house, our marriage wasn’t and isn’t falling apart, it’s just been lived in, seen some long days, a lot of people have traipsed through it, the weeks kind of get away from us, there are some weeds.  It hasn’t always been our top priority, kind of how we put off doing the windows.  I think because most of us feel we have a good thing—like our new house.  We kind of assume it will maintain itself for awhile longer.  And it has so far.  We’ve had the normal wear and tear, we’ve had some leaks, even some flooding, but both our house and our marriage have held up through some windy days.

But I’m just not a risk-taker.  I’m not into taking chances.  And definitely not when it comes to my family.  Especially my husband.  My marriage.  I didn’t want to wake up one morning and not know what had happened, how we got to a place we would have a hard time coming back from.  I decided I didn’t want to wait to see how long it would be.  I wanted insurance, the umbrella policy.  I knew a major disaster could really test us, but I didn’t want to wait to find out how we’d do.  I’m in a position to make things stronger right now; to me it’s worth the investment to safeguard what we have.

Like I’ve told you before if you’ve read my post on sustainability, I’m not into making goals or plans or promises I can’t keep, so I didn’t presume anything last year when I decided to make a conscious effort to put our marriage first.  I didn’t really have an idea of what that would look like, so I just tried to be cognizant.  I simply tried to be more aware, keep up with the things that were working and do what I could to make him more of a priority.  Pulls on your time and energy come out of nowhere and everywhere, especially when you’re trying to focus on something important.  The easiest people to ignore are yourself and your spouse.  So backward.  The two most important people.  Interesting.

I’m no marriage expert.  I’m not any kind of expert.  I just know we feel tighter when we make time for each other, when we text or call during the day, when we hold hands, when we’re getting enough sleep, when we say no to even social or church things sometimes for the sake of our marriage and family.  It’s keeping up on the basics, it’s Thursday lunch dates we’ve done for years.  It’s letting the kids see what love looks like—even if it embarrasses them.  You know what it takes.  It’s about keeping things strong, not letting them slide just because it’s easy to.

It’s easy to skip the screens and prayers.  No one’s counting the number of days between changing the sheets or how many dates you go on every month.  Who cares if you clean the gutters or forget to say I love you?  No one notices what’s behind the dryer or the words you use.  Who can remember the last time you switched out the filter or did something special just because?  It’s all so trivial.  But it matters.

I just know I’ve got a good thing.  A comfortable home and a strong marriage.  Both largely because of a great husband.  I don’t want to neglect them, and yet I’m not perfect at keeping up with either.  But I know with a little effort we can keep them both in good condition.  It’s not worth waiting till they’re falling apart before they finally get attention.

One of my favorite people in the world gave this timeless piece of advice.  We have it on our bedroom wall with pictures of us together, the first thing we look at when we wake up.  “You will know no greater happiness than that found in your home. You will have no more serious obligation than that which you face in your home. The truest mark of your success in life will be the quality of your marriage.”  (President Hinckley) I’d rather have my house cave in, get washed away, or burn and fall down around me than to watch my marriage crumble, especially knowing I could’ve reinforced it back when there was still time.

When we’re feeling the warm winds of summer outside, we’ll open up the house to let some fresh air in, just as we like to have fun and do things out of the ordinary, just to freshen up our marriage.  And when we just need to deal with the inevitable chills or difficult times, we’ll rekindle the fire, huddle close together, and hold hands.  There’s never been a storm too cold or too strong for our fire, but we like to cut and stack a little extra firewood on temperate days and keep it nearby just in case.