Avery and I were weeding a patch of yard we’ll put fabric and wood chips over; eventually Todd will build his greenhouse. Such a pretty day, the perfect weather for working on an outside project. Tenacious grass clumps, easier smaller dandelions that came out effortlessly, so many worms… of so many varying sizes. Not generally the backdrop you’d think of for a heart-to-heart, but I can’t think of a better one.
As we talked, I mostly tried to listen. And ask questions. How are you feeling now that it’s here, now that high school’s over? Kind of scared. High school was safe. We know what we’re doing. Life is programmed, predictable. I explained that that’s precisely why some people stay in school for a long, long time; it’s easier to keep doing what you know than to venture out and make big decisions and try new things. Weird that school really is optional from this point on.
She was altering her graduation dress last night. For today. She ran to JoAnn’s around 8 for paint for her hat. For today. Good grief. But she is darling. Darling. And I can’t help but want to share everything I’ve learned since I was her age with her; I want to open up the lid of her head and pour in all the experiences that have taught me so much, all that I’ve read and gleaned from the past 29 years since I was wearing a robe just like hers. And yet we know how impossible and unwise that would be. All I can do is share a few ideas along the way and to confirm our deep and abiding and unconditional love over and over and over, engraining in her that it—and we—are here, no matter what.
So as she sleeps on this early Sunday morning, I can’t help but think about her and the future she’s embarking upon.
She reminded me yesterday that even when she was 9 she would argue with Mitchell that girl authors are just as good as boy authors. I had to chuckle. That is so both of them. She told me it’s more than what she’s learned in school, it feels innate, part of her soul, to empower women. Like it’s part of her purpose. I totally, absolutely get that. She’s always been passionate about exerting her independence and wanting other women to have that same voice. I can’t wait to see how she executes her passions.
We’ve talked so much about what she wants to do with her life. We had guests for dinner the other night and they asked what Avery’s plans were (she wasn’t there), what she would be majoring in. “Save the world,” I told them. Bronwyn became perplexed, “Is that a real major?” She amuses us to no end. I could only surmise she would’ve declared it if it was.
As we send her off for continuing education, we can't wait to hear the reports. I know there's trepidation about making friends, the workload, how the details will play out, but we can only stand back and watch.
We've told you a million times, you’ll absolutely love college. But don’t limit your education to the classroom. Definitely do study abroad, and travel every chance you get. Visit somewhere new any time a roommate invites you home, you have an opportunity to volunteer as a Big Sister or you get invited to the Hari Krishna festival. Serve a mission if you think it’s a good idea. Maybe just do a service trip of some kind. Whatever. Just move about, wiggle, explore. And keep your eyes wide open. Absorb what you’re seeing and feeling as you engage with different people and paradigms and cultures and ideas. Love it. What rich educational supplement field work is. Start this week as you head to Seattle. Soak it up, ask questions, get into what makes people and societies tick. Listen. To their words, to their stories, to the vibe, and to your feelings as you assimilate it all with who you are and what you know in your heart.
We know you’re here to save the world. As so many of you young people are. But don’t discount the impact you can have in your own corner of the world. One of the saddest things I can think of is women and men with ambitions to help the world but who neglect their own world. Your stewardship—above any other good you could do in the whole of the earth—is right in your own home. For a time, if you have children (and I know you want to adopt them, awesome!), nurture those within your own walls. Engage, invest, teach, save, and love them with your whole heart. Your children as well as your marriage. And yes, I love your ideal of traveling to Africa with your family, of having them right there with you to interact and befriend all those you help, I can’t wait to see how it all works out. All we’re saying is you will derive no greater joy than to see your own children grow up to be good people. But it doesn’t usually happen when parents aren’t around or when they’re so distracted with the “good” they’re doing that they don’t have energy or time or reserves to invest at home. Just be careful with how you spend your resources when you have children. Your own family is your first and most important and most rewarding priority. Thankfully we have all sorts of options as to how to execute that these days, and I’m sure you’ll be creative. As you’ve outlined to us so often.
I know you feel young. Marriage is the last thing in the world you’re interested in at this point. The thought makes you cringe and feel almost sick. A good indicator you’re not there yet—hallelujah. I can see your wiggles, I know how unprepared you feel to be an adult at this point. But don’t dismiss those feelings when the time presents itself. Embrace marriage and all it entails. I know you think marriages like the one you envision don’t exist. I know you want an egalitarian partnership, and you wonder if that’s even possible these days. I assure you it is. And I can’t imagine you settling for anything different. Marry your best friend. I know you think it seems boring to be married for a long time, but I urge you to just try it when you get a chance. Yes, firsts are exciting; but nothing can compare with the deep abiding love as you weather storms, as you experience so many new firsts together, as you share your hearts and meld your lives together so that the seams almost disappear. Yes, you’ll maintain your strong will and your own lively personality; but to create something bigger than yourself, to give selflessly, to experience such a depth of connection and compassion and love as you nurture your spouse and children… there is no better education in the world. Make room in your life for it. Not now. But when it feels right. You’ll know. You won’t have to ask.
I know you hate to be told what to do. Believe me. You want options, you want to be able to decide for yourself. Right there with you. However, beware of pride. Because sometimes we need direction, to acquiesce, to humble ourselves. Especially when God’s talking. Yes, make plans, have goals, work on projects, use your energy for causes you feel personally drawn to. But listen to your heart as God speaks. It may not be part of your playbook, it may not be in your plans, but pay attention to those tiny nudgings. When God has ideas for you, they are always—100% of the time—for your good. Pay attention and follow your promptings, you’ll know. He only has your happiness and benefit in mind. It may not feel comfortable or like it makes sense; it may seem to go against everything you wanted to do. But trust him.
And continue to develop your faith. Use it as an anchor for all you do. Discard the cultural nonsense and focus on Christ’s doctrine, which is plain and simple: love God and love others. Study how Christ did that, follow his pattern for living. As you come close to him by learning of him and living like him, you will have peace and joy and happiness despite guaranteed set-backs, failings, mishaps, disappointments and heartbreaks. Use your faith as your foundation for life.
Above all, continue to use your heart as your guide. Look for the lonely, the stranded, the friendless, the needy, the one. Use your gifts to build up those around you. Continue to invite, to make thoughtful gifts, to write love notes, to be thankful and gracious and kind, to include, to text, to engage, to counsel, to be soft, to ask questions, to keep confidences, to discern, to be open-minded, to accept, to encourage, to inspire and lift and love. These are some of your greatest, most valuable talents. I know you wish you could do so many of the showy things; but honestly, by developing and using these gifts, and by using Christ as your guide, you can save the world. Even if it’s just one person at a time.
And so we’re thrilled for today. And tomorrow’s todays. We have confidence in you—so much confidence. We know you’ll devote yourself to goodness. We know you’ll continue to educate yourself in and out of the classroom setting. We know you’ll grow in love and compassion as you serve and work with the people of your communities and the world. We know you have a firm foundation, that you know who you are and what you feel inspired to do. We’re not sad because our excitement and anticipation dwarfs any heart pangs of loss we might be tempted to indulge in. While we can’t wait to see how the details play out, we’re already assured you will continue on your path to make a difference in the life of every person you touch. You are a bright light in the world and will continue to be as you venture out into it.
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