Yes, we sent our 13-year-old daughter to DC with her school class. Yep, Todd dropped her at the airport curb at 4 a.m. and drove off. Of course, she was a titch nervous the night before; she hadn’t been on a plane since she was 8 and has never been on a trip away from us except for girls camp through church. But this has been awesome, a perfect chance for her to spread her wings.
For so many parents, this kind of thing makes them nervous. They prefer to hang on to their kids and keep them safe. This has been touted as the safest generation in history precisely for that reason. Kids don’t push themselves, and parents are more hesitant than any parents in history to let their kids do things they deem unsafe. (See iGen)
But now she knows what it’s like to get through airport security, how to find her gate, and how to get along with three other girls in a hotel room. I have no idea what she ended up packing; we merely suggested comfy shoes and a rain jacket. We gave her a bit of money for food but the rest was up to her. What a great learning experience—just the regular traveling part itself, let alone getting to see all the historical sites. Yes, it’s certainly not the best deal in town, but she earned $1,000 last summer mowing lawns, helping with crepes at Farmer’s market and selling pumpkins and honey. Love it. Our other kids have gone on the same trip and have come home to tell us of the Newseum and the 9-11 Memorial, forever changed. They grew up a bit just for having spent time on their own and without us as they traveled across the country.
We’re firm believers in letting our kids go. Even as we question and sometimes worry. We let them go to the mall and movies at the same age we started going to the mall and the movies. We’ve sent youngsters on planes by themselves to meet relatives on the other end, so good for them. We left Andrew with the grandparents in Minnesota for a week when he was maybe 10; he drove the 12 hours home with his young uncle. We let Avery go to Scotland when she was 12 and again when she was 15. We send them to church camps, scout camps, and youth conferences while we stay behind. Two years ago we let Bronwyn start working at Farmer’s Market. We’ve been all-in when Andrew wanted to go camping with his buddies in high school, and we started letting him drive to the ski hill way before I was comfortable with it. We encourage biking on the trails and running with the dogs. We let Andrew ride his bike all over the neighborhood and to Dairy Queen back when he was a young elementary school-aged kid—he later told us how grown up he felt and how much it meant that we let him do that. He had another valuable experience staying with our friends and volunteering as a page in Helena for a week when he was back in high school, a rare glimpse into how our state government works. We let Avery figure out her internship this past summer as she drove all over downtown and beyond. We let her go to a concert in another city and allowed her to stay with people we didn’t really know. She’s taking a trip this summer to another state to stay with a family we’ve never met.
Think about everything our parents allowed us to do. Even forced us to do. We stayed alone all summer in an apartment in a less-than-stellar neighborhood. My mom left my little sick 9-year-old sister alone all day when she had to work. My sister went to New Orleans and South Carolina alone with her girlfriend. We stayed with relatives, we had exchange students, we went to camps and school trips. Without our parents. Just like all of you. Some of your parents even agreed to let you live in another country for two years where you didn't know a soul. Or the language.
I just don’t buy into the idea that we need to sequester our kids in a bubble. Or that the world is less safe than it’s ever been.
No, what we’ve decided is that we need to let—and encourage—our children to try on independence. To allow them to feel a little uneasy, to have to problem solve, to be uncomfortable in new situations and environments, to practice adulting. Mostly we want them to know we trust them to handle things on their own, to show them through our actions that we have confidence in their capabilities and judgment.
And while I’m saying that, I’m also paying a great deal of attention to my mother heart. And I’m telling the kids to tune in also. We pray to know if a course of action will be safe, if it’s in everyone’s best interest, if this is the right time. Of course.
I love when Avery comes to us with a proposal that she knows will test us. She comes prepared, having figured out the logistics. She anticipates our questions and has done her homework. She has even prayed about it, and we all go with our gut. If we feel no apprehension or uneasiness (other than general parental growing pains), we generally say yes as much as possible. And we remind them of basic common sense: don’t take dumb risks when you’re biking, stay in groups, take a friend even to go to the bathroom at the movie, let us know if plans change and you’re going to be late.
But obviously, we often say no. Callum just got his license in January and asked to drive to the ski hill the rest of the season. Andrew wanted to as well when he was very young. There was no way. We say no to sleepovers (except in rare instances when we’re out of town or a friend needs a place to stay). We say absolutely no to R-rated movies. We have earlier times we expect our kids to be home than most. We say no to really late movies (unless a dad is going). Avery wants to go camping alone with a girlfriend this summer, and so far the answer is a resounding no. So it’s not a free-for-all, just tell us where you’re headed and when you’ll be back kind of parenting gig. We’re actually trying to be super cognizant of what we’re doing. We are trying to show our kids that, while we have reservations and concerns, we respect and trust them. Sometimes they’re simply too young or it’s legitimately not safe or we have information they don’t or we just have an uneasy feeling we can’t pin down.
And sometimes it’s just us not wanting them to grow up. Obviously, we’d prefer them to stay home and have pizza and popcorn with us. We’d rather just take family vacations and play games. We’d rather everyone come home at 10. Easy, comfy, safe.
But I heard years ago that the kids whose parents let them test their own boundaries, with water or climbing, for instance, are actually safer than those whose parents hover because they figure things out for themselves. We may make our kids nervous by being too present, by not allowing them to explore their world a bit. In an attempt to keep them safe, we are actually doing them a disservice, in effect making them more skittish and less confident and less aware of dangers. They’ve never had to figure it out for themselves and so they aren’t prepared.
So as I think about B in DC with her friends and teachers from school, I’m beside myself with happiness. I love that she worked hard to make it happen, that she is creating memories for a lifetime, that she gets to experience a different part of the country and history, and that she gets to take care of herself for a few days. I love that she’s proving to herself that she can manage without us. And I think that’s what we’re really trying to teach our kids. Because isn’t that the point of parenting?
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