I got a gift card a couple months back to a local spa. Good grief. I can’t decide if I’d feel more comfortable in a bar? So I sat on it, tucked it away in my planner, not sure what to do about it. Eventually, I pulled the brochure out because I hate things pending and unattended to. I assessed the costly procedures I had no idea people had done to them. None of it pertained to me; I simply don’t care that much about eyebrows, and I’m certainly fine to shave my own legs. But I like to check things off my list, and this was tying up brain space, so I finally I settled on a massage because that’s one of my favorite things in the world. Except I’ve been going every other week for months now for my back and shoulder. I didn’t really need a massage the way I would appreciate one if it was just once a year. And then the idea came for me to take my girls to get pedicures to get ready for spring. Loved it! We went last Saturday and it is the cutest little retreat place ever. Ever! Front porch swings for the little seats, rustic furniture, fireplace, smelled nice, cute basins, a drink counter, music, little soaps and lotions for sale. They were given a list of choices of soaking water smell and lotion scent. They were offered sodas. Just darling. I was so content sitting in front of the fireplace reading my book, chatting with a friend, and watching my girls get their feet done. I was in my happy place for sure.
So later when we got home I toyed with the idea of getting a pedicure myself. I’ve had maybe four in my life. My mom has treated me and I’ve gone with my sisters when we’ve had a girls’ weekend, but never just for no good reason. I didn’t want to spend that much since it wouldn’t be a gift card; it would be real money. But I had the good idea to check with the beauty academy since it would be cheaper. I’m always embarrassed by my feet at this time of year because they have been neglected all winter. It would be so nice to just start off the summer fresh and I could take it from there and maintain them. I remembered that I don’t usually do things like this for myself, so I made the appointment for the basic package and went the other afternoon.
To be honest, but not mean, this place was a tad run-down. Kind of noisy, a lot going on; I noticed the torn footrest, the windows that were either too dirty or too old to see through, the worn tables. I came a couple years back with the girls, but didn’t think much of it since we don’t go to any place like this. I think the contrast felt a little stark because I'd come from the other spa experience just a few days back. But I had my appointment with the sweetest girl ever. She told me all about her life and we chatted the whole time, she did great and was super gentle, kind, and pampering. But after an hour and a half she reached for the polish and I could tell we were wrapping up. And I felt let down. The part I love and want most of all from a pedicure is scraping off my dead and dry skin; I just can’t ever seem to get my feet as smooth as they can. And it never happened. We skipped that part. Maybe that wasn’t part of the basic package? But I liked the color she used; the massage and lotion felt good. It was so relaxing just to be touched and fussed over for a minute. (Or nearly two hours. Even I was running out of questions by this point. And you know how I am.)
So after I paid, I walked across the somewhat sketchy parking lot to my van and just about started to cry. Or maybe just tear up a bit. (I think I was having an emotional couple of days; I teared up being with my old ladies the day before at lunch too.) I kept telling myself it was ridiculous to be disappointed with something sooooooo small and dumb. I don't think of myself as a shallow person, I don’t want to be the kind who gets all worked up over such silly things. So while I drove, I just tried let it go and be grateful instead. I was happy to get my nails painted for the season and to have spent some time doing something completely different from my real life. It all felt so nice. And I wondered if my time with my new student friend was maybe meant to be.
But none of this was about my nails. The experience just underscored the reality that I’m sometimes prone to pushing myself aside, mostly when it comes to spending money on myself. And that I need to model something better for my kids. The difference between the girls’ visit and my experience was a mere $5. And not that mine was entirely negative, not at all. It just felt like I was being a martyr for nothing and all I did was subconsciously tell myself I wasn’t worth the extra money. I felt like I was riding steerage instead of with my family on the upper deck.
You have to remember where I'm coming from. I read the likes of National Geographic. It makes my heart ache. I’m into documentaries and non-fiction. I think of the kids who are starving, who are in abusive homes, who have no homes. I think of the refugees, families scrambling for a better life. The war-torn countries. The families in our own area who need help heating their homes and paying for basics. My mind constantly goes to these people of the world and our nation and our neighborhoods. And so I hate to pamper myself even more when I already have so, so much. More than enough. Way too much in fact. It's not fair, and so I guess I try to even it out a bit by pulling back. By proving to God that I care about these people, that I'm aware of how blessed. With that frame of reference, of course I ask myself, Feet and nail polish, seriously Caren?
That said, I guess this is where I am. I am using this unexpected display of almost-emotion to remind myself to value myself a little more. To not relegate myself to the back or the side or to disregard my feelings altogether. Yes, I can see why I feel uncomfortable about spending money on myself when there are so many unmet needs in the world as well as close to home. But I also need to remind myself that we are trying to be generous in helping where we can and that to do something special and fun and uplifting for ourselves every once in a while is fine. And even good. You know me, I’m all about saving $5. Any chance I get. But this wasn’t the time. At the stage of life we’re in, we can afford the little extra. And we can afford for me to get a pedicure once a year—dreamiest indulgence I can think of besides a massage. Just a good take-home lesson to value myself as much as I do the others in my family, to model that, so when my girls someday become grown-ups and maybe even moms, they will know it’s ok. That yes, we take care of others, we serve and try to be generous with the world, but that it’s ok—and good—to do the same with ourselves.
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