Teammates

I find it hard to believe that some people would actually choose to be leaders of their organizations.  I’m just so much more at ease being a dutiful follower and letting others carry the burden of thinking.  Just tell me what to do, I’m dependable, I’m on it.  But this being in charge stuff has been a little unsettling.  So I just remind myself (and others if they ask) that everyone takes a turn.  It won’t last forever.  I’m nearly to my half-way mark.  If I screw up too bad someone else will come in and clean it all up and get it right.

Half the time I get to church I forget my role.  That I’m supposed to be looking around for visitors and new people.  I have to move past my comfort zone and think more about them than myself. Which means I have to leave my warm bench and go introduce myself and talk to them.  It’s good, it’s always fine, it’s just not really where I live and so I always feel a little awkward.

I’ll tell you what I do like.  Placing food orders, entering the amounts and types of food in the computer for people who temporarily need a little help.  Nice tidy seat work.  I also like changing around the visiting assignments, printing them out, and organizing them for the other members of the presidency to hand out.  I do not like handing my stack out.

I’m ok with activities.  With speaking if I have to. With hosting anything at my house.  With cooking whatever.  Gathering supplies, shopping, planning.  Totally fine as long as decorating expectations aren’t too high.

Like I mentioned recently, one of my counselors suggested we go to the temple this past week.  I’m not sure why it never occurred to me.  At all.  Not even once.  It’s a normal thing for presidencies to do, I’ve been in others where we’ve done it.  Why I never thought of it is beyond me.

I also hate going on visits.  Not actually visiting.  Just setting up visits.  Figuring out who to visit.  If someone’s new or just had a baby or surgery, fine, easy; a visit is expected and there’s an obvious reason behind it. I don’t want ladies feeling like they’re a “project” or that we’re checking up on them. If she’s a little older and lives alone, that’s a good place to start and acceptable I think.  Except they can never hear us on the phone and so I hesitate there and put it all off another week.  I’m the worst. 

Here are some thoughts about where I’m coming from.  I figure ladies who want to be involved in church are already here.  If they aren’t interested, I don’t want to bug them.  As much as I love what I believe, I respect what others choose to believe and what they want to do with their lives.  And so I believe in giving people the space to do that.  The problem is that as part of my calling I am to help find those who are searching for this, women who may want to join us again, women who are maybe at a different stage of life now and who are feeling that they may want to try religion again.  Jesus commanded us to feed his sheep and to find those who are lost.  I love Jesus so much, and so I want to follow him.

But ugh.  It is beyond uncomfortable for me.  Not because I can’t be a hard worker.  Not because I don’t have time.  But because I don’t want to offend or bother people who want to be left alone, who are hiding out for a reason.  If they wanted to be found they would seek us out.  It’s not like we’re being obscure and playing hard to get.

And I hate to admit this.  Truly hate it.  But I do it to show you how much I still have to learn.  And to remind us that callings are simply opportunities to grow.  And serve.  But mostly I think they’re for us.  I have prayed sporadically about things pertaining to Relief Society.  On occasion.  But not every night.  I hardly ever prayed about specific sisters until recently.  I had to think of new counselors, etc. but other than that, not much.  I’m really embarrassed.  I can’t believe that’s me.  And as I’ve wondered why on earth this is true, I think I simply didn’t want to face the task in front of me.  It has been too big for me.  Too overwhelming to think of all these sisters in my stewardship. How could I possibly figure out who all these ladies are and personally visit them all, let alone help them with their issues?  What can I, a little 47-year-old church lady with no significant life experience to speak of, possibly contribute to complicated lives filled with real problems? Who am I to think my presence would mean something, that it would be welcome, that I’m anyone special to these women? I’m not the bishop.  I’m just a regular everyday mom who, for whatever reason, has this responsibility for a while. I think I subconsciously wanted it to go away, to figure itself out, to have someone else take over.  I must’ve bargained with myself: if I keep busy and do a good job at all the other tasks, maybe it won’t matter that I wasn’t that great at this people-stuff.  I honestly don’t know that I thought about it at all. I think I tried not to. Time simply passed and the guilt just grew that I wasn’t out and among the sisters, serving and loving them individually in their homes.

Along the way, just in the past few months is all, I started praying a little more about things.  I made a goal for myself to see two sisters a week as a presidency, that’s it.  I started praying about the sisters I’m assigned to personally minister to, something I’ve been bad at.  I must’ve prayed about something because out of nowhere I’m getting answers.  Nothing to anything I specifically asked about, because I don’t think I did.  Except for help in general.  And if I’m being really honest, I think this is a case of unprayed answers. I can’t credit myself at all; I just told you how disconnected I’ve been.  Maybe it’s others praying for their ward members, maybe God just needs me to get on the ball and get serious and get to work.  I don’t know; but, oddly, I’m feeling something new.

All of a sudden the missionaries asked me for my list of sisters I know nothing about.  They’ve been visiting their homes and trying to find out if they’re still there.  They’re texting me all sorts of information about who would like visits and who has moved.  And who wants no more contact with the church.  And others who don’t want to be members of it at all anymore.  Which is fine and also sad. But good information. I just feel like I’m not alone trying to figure out all of it myself.

My counselors and secretary have been so supportive, arranging care for their kids with each other so we can do visits.  They’ve called ladies themselves.  They’ve set up visits with other sisters as companions.  They’ve made themselves available and never, ever make me feel that I’m asking too much or that it’s an inconvenience.  I love that so much.

They have done so much in their own callings.  I don’t have to do a single thing to remind them about any of it.  They’re completely self-sufficient and doing amazing things within the scope of their callings.  Such incredibly competent, reliable, and inspiring women.  I have truly loved every one of these women just like my sisters.

The thing that hit me the most recently was sitting in the temple together as a presidency.  We didn’t say more than a couple of words to each other the whole time.  It wasn’t as if we discussed anyone’s needs or came up with any great activities.  We didn’t even tell each other it felt good to be there.  But what I saw beside me was a vision of unity.  I felt like we are a team.  It isn’t just me against the whole ward of women I need to serve—it’s the four of us working together.

I know not all of you can relate to this sort of experience because you’re all in different churches (or not) or callings or stages of life, whatever.  But consider your own experiences.  Don’t we all feel alone, daunted by the demands we’re facing, wanting to hide out at home or in bed, wishing it to all just take care of itself?  Maybe we don’t want to deal with our teens or extended family or a loss.  Maybe we’re a boss at work and aren’t sure how to rally the troops.  Maybe our coaching isn’t as motivating as we’d hope.  Maybe it feels like us against the world.

And maybe you don’t even want to touch it.  Maybe it’s too big.  Maybe you’re like me and you don’t even think to involve God in the hard parts of life because they’re too “earthy” and mortal and unimportant (we assume) for the Ruler of the universe to care about.  Maybe we think we’ve made our own issues for ourselves and we need to clean it all up ourselves.

But I encourage you/us to open our hearts and ask God to be a part of it all.  Just the petition for general welfare help is a good start.  And then look around.  Notice that a family member has reached out.  Pay attention to the friend that texted or called.  Note that you’re getting ideas you hadn’t come up with before.  Listen.  Look who’s next to you.  See that you have allies all around you, you’re not alone.

I just think no matter how uncomfortable we are with what we’ve been asked to do, whether it’s figuring out life after a spouse has died, dealing with a new job or stage of life, heading up a major project, or taking a turn as a leader in 4-H, we’re not alone.  While what we’re asked to do may be someone else’s dream stint, it’s ok if we’re a little shaky and want to wish it away.  But most of the time we still bravely try to face it.  It just helps to remember that we have teammates on our bench right beside us, that we’re never completely on our own as we do.