Indecisive? Hard to say. But I’m leaning toward a definite yes. With potential for change.
My mind chatter goes something like this, Should we have another family over or just spend a quiet evening on our own? We’re constantly tripping over this one. We do a lot of both. And maybe sometimes we really could’ve used a night at home alone as a family but instead we’ve invited a family over. It was already a full week and we sort of pushed our limits, not giving ourselves much down-time over the weekend. Or we decide we’re just going to cocoon ourselves with some quiet family time and then find out later the details of a family that really could’ve used a friend that night; maybe they’re new and feeling lonely, they’re in the middle of a move, they just got home from vacation and didn’t really have that much to work with. It’s hard to decide which is best; I don’t know if we ever really get it right. But we try to be in touch with what our family needs; and if we feel like we’re in a good place (and even sometimes when we’re not but we’re going through less than another family) we’ll have people over. But sometimes we’re just happy to be. Like I said, we go back and forth; I want to get it right, but I wonder if we ever do.
I catch myself waffling over other smallest of decisions. Should I send her a birthday card? A gift? Are we that good of friends? What if I did this for everyone?? Can we afford this? Will it be awkward? Am I just making work for myself? Will it even matter?
Decisions! We can’t get away from them obviously. Some of you seem to be direct, matter of fact folk. I guess I hesitate because I want to be right, I want to make the best decisions I can. And so to weigh the options and assimilate all the information at hand takes time and energy and can sometimes be paralyzing. I know it drives Todd crazy. But, like I said, I’m working on it.
We’re rarely allowed to see the impact of some of our decisions. So how are we to even know if we’re getting them right? Or if we were mistaken and messed up? Don’t you feel this pressure as parents? Of course we’re doing our best. Even if it’s honestly not our best. We’re trying. Yet we upset ourselves by worrying about everything we’re not doing or getting right. We know better than anyone that it’s not picture-perfect. And yet, our intent—our heart—ought to count for something. And I believe it does.
Something I’ve been learning over the years is it’s more important for me to check my intent than to receive confirmation that it's absolutely the right decision. Sometimes there's simply not time for that and we need to move forward using our best judgment. When I can't seem to determine what's best, I go with my heart. This simple idea has effectively uncomplicated my decision making, freeing me to go ahead with all sorts of ideas I would’ve vacillated on for too long in the past.
When our hearts have good intents, we can confidently move forward using them as our guides. We still gather pertinent information, but we don’t have to simply rely on our chart of pros and cons. We allow our hearts to have a voice. So even when something doesn’t make sense or seems risky, I’m learning to trust my heart. Because I believe even if I sent a love note or a text that was quickly dismissed or never replied to, I would rather err on the side of acting on an idea and getting it wrong than waiting for confirmation that it was a right but missed opportunity. So if I feel like hugging my sons, even though they’re bigger than me and they might think I’m weird, I do it anyway because the potential good outweighs the temporary awkwardness. Likewise, we keep trying to read scriptures as a family even though it doesn’t seem to make a lick of difference, because in our hearts we know there’s potential, it feels right. Most of the time we can’t see the results of interactions like these. But my heart is the best barometer I know of as I’m faced with a multitude of choices every day.
I remember one of the first times I went with my heart. I was 21 and was finally told I wouldn’t be able to go on my mission after all. I could hold out till I got my braces off and try submitting my application again, or I could wait a few months for Todd to get home from Norway and marry him. I was elated with the option of getting married and putting a mission on hold indefinitely!! I didn’t analyze it for any length of time; when I found that door closed, I paid attention to my heart. I immediately worked out my next semester’s classes that very night, I was happier than I’d been the whole five weeks my application was being reviewed and took that as a sign that it was right.
A couple years back I made a resolution to be more generous, to act on the feelings of my heart unabashedly. And I’m surprised by the difference it’s made. So many decisions are now automatically made for me, where before they would be issues for debate. Should I put a dollar in the tip jar at lunch? I never used to; but now, absolutely. A birthday card for a friend I haven’t talked to in forever but whose name just came to mind? Of course! Set up a group of ladies for lunch that I don’t know very well? Let’s try it!
Like I said, most of the time we have no idea what the outcomes of our decisions are. Occasionally we see what's going on, like when our son and daughter have been beneficiaries of the tip jar from work; those small contributions compiled bumped up their hourly wages, and it makes me happy to be able to do that for someone else. I love, more than anything else, notes and letters from my kids about memories they have from earlier years. Nothing makes me cry with gratitude more than realizing all the messes were worth it, that they have good memories, that some of the choices we made—maybe against the norm but that felt good to us and our family—seemed to have worked out ok. It’s validating to hear back from people as we followed our hearts when we couldn’t decide what the right decision was.
For instance, I was super surprised to hear from a friend the other day after I brought her a little birthday gift. I mean, a really little gift; just a pair of earrings that looked like her and a card. I’d vacillated, wondering if we were good enough friends for me to share a gift with her. I decided I didn’t care, my heart wanted to show her in a tangible way that I care about her. She said it made her cry, but maybe it was more for me because it warmed my heart to know such a small thing made her happy. And it boosted my confidence that I can continue to act on impressions and feelings I get.
But most of the time we have no idea what sort of impact we’ve had. Though I believe we will after this life. I sense we’ll be able to review our lives and know how our actions—and inactions, opportunities that could’ve really made a difference to someone that we ignored or were too afraid to take—affected people. Which motivates me to act on any good idea that comes to me. Especially the random ones. I’ve learned those are the ones most likely to be inspired.
Basically, I’m learning to not over-think. If I feel inclined, if it makes me feel excited (not in a hedonistic way; a sweet way), if I think it will add something to someone’s day or life, that’s good enough. I try to ask God about it all; but to be honest I don’t get a lot of direction. I think He’s given us the formula and expects us to act accordingly, independently. I love this guideline, I’ve relied on it heavily over the years as I’ve tried to combat my indecisiveness, “But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God” (Moroni 7:13).
And so, as decisions come at me, I want to know what He wants me to do. And I want to follow my heart. Interestingly, I’m learning that they’re usually the same.
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