That was from you?

Totally not the kind of mom to do such a thing, but with last year’s resolution To be more generous still fresh on my mind and with his second-to-last high school finals nearly underway, I was feeling a bit sentimental and like being that kind of mom.  I signed the paper from school, procuring a snack box for my son to be delivered during his final exams.  Also completely out of character, I bought both my high schoolers a couple of tiny treats and propped them on their desks with little good luck notes.  A first time for everything.

My daughter immediately came up to thank me, joyous over a new fluffy pair of socks and some of her favorite candy.  Never heard a word from my son.  I let it go. The weekend after finals I remembered the snack pack I’d ordered for him and was curious if he ever got it, what it was about.  A stretch to reach back in time, “Oh yeah.”  I told him that I’d ordered it for him and, with a wink, reminded him it would be nice for him to say thank you.  “That was from you?” was all he said.

I asked him where he thought it had come from.  Hadn’t even considered it.  Which is why I’m glad we still have a good seven months to do a little fine-tuning before he heads for college.    I’m like you.  I want my kids to appreciate what they have and what other people do for them.  I want them to realize it’s more than simply good manners to acknowledge what others give them, but to comprehend how powerful gratitude is.  Kind of like forgiving, it is more about what it does to you than it does for the one you’ve forgiven.

Which is why I’m constantly reminding them, for example, to say thank you at the conclusion of a meal—regardless of whose house we’re at.  Even—maybe even especially—at our own.  When I ask the kids, What do you say? as they clear their dinner dishes or when we’ve gone out to eat, it’s not as if Todd and I need their thank you’s.  We’re happy to provide food and warm experiences for them.  Glad to.  It has nothing to do with needing validation and everything to do with teaching them to notice who provided it so they will learn to develop a grateful (humble) heart, which will yield true happiness in life.

I’m learning this from God.  The last thing He—the epitome of humility—needs is our thanks.  He simply derives great joy in blessing us.  But He teaches us to express gratitude because He knows it will make all the difference to us.  He knows that when we acknowledge someone’s hand in our successes and comforts, we are chipping away little by little at the pride we’re all encased in that leads us to believe we’ve done it all on our own.  He wisely knows that when we acknowledge His hand in our lives we are becoming more like Him, humble, tender, and loving.

A million examples of people around us who enrich our lives come to mind, and I’m hopeful that our kids are starting to pay attention.  A friend’s mom who makes cinnamon rolls every Wednesday morning and lets the kids hang out before school.  A friend who encouraged our son to apply for a job and provided a reference.  Teachers who—at the last minute—came to our son’s aid and wrote very personal and thoughtful letters of recommendation.  A friend who gives our daughter a ride to school every day.  Parents who take our kids out to eat when they’re over playing and take them to the movies with their family.  Friends who invite us to plays and dinner and otherwise entertain us for entire evenings.  I want our kids to open their eyes, to acknowledge these kind acts, and to learn to say thank you without any prompting from us.

We do what most families do, we teach them to write thank you notes.  We turn them around to go tell the hostess thank you.  We list what we’re thankful for in our journals near Thanksgiving.  We look back on the year again in January and remember all the good times we had, all that we have to be grateful for.  Few exercises are more humbling than itemizing our blessings.  Yet it’s especially powerful when we’re in the midst of a struggle.  I remember a woman telling how she and her husband made a list several pages long on their way to Mayo Clinic to deal with her husband’s brain tumor.  What better way to invoke the blessings of God than to acknowledge all He had already done for them.  An impactful example that encouraged me to look around a bit more, to notice His hand in my life, and to become a more grateful person.  I wish we could say we’ve got this one mastered.  We have not.  Not as a family or individuals.  But we’re working on it.

Todd and I have talked a lot about this over the years, especially as our life has become increasingly comfortable.  As we look back on choices and small sacrifices we’ve made, so much of our lives has just fallen into place.  And yet, I just can’t give in to the notion that it’s anything we’ve done ourselves.  We were blessed to live in homes where education was valued and emphasized.  We were born to parents who were around, who cared, who took care of us, who were engaged.  We were born in this period of time on the earth where we are given fantastic opportunities to develop ourselves and our talents.  We were blessed with zero health problems which allowed us to focus on other things.  We were born in a free country which encouraged and actually required education.  We were blessed to qualify for financial assistance and scholarships in college and to reap the generosity of so many others.  We are blessed to have the joy of marriage and children; for whatever reason, we haven’t had to struggle with infertility.  Or birth defects or autism or even allergies.  We were blessed to grow up in homes of faith, we’ve found support wherever we’ve lived, extended family, committed friends.  I honestly don’t feel like we can take credit for any of this.  Any good we’ve experienced  or contributed has to be because God gave us the means first, whether it was a strong start in life, clear minds, our talents, or our faith-filled homes.  It’s just that we don’t always remember to tell Him.

President Eyring pointed this out years ago in a talk I’ve clung to, “…The challenge to remember has always been the hardest for those who are blessed abundantly. Those who are faithful to God are protected and prospered. That comes as the result of serving God and keeping His commandments. But with those blessings comes the temptation to forget their source. It is easy to begin to feel the blessings were granted not by a loving God on whom we depend but by our own powers.”

I think we’d be surprised by how often God is working out the details of our lives, how much is at play on our behalf, how blessed we really are. Granted, I recognize our successes are also often a direct result of our efforts, and yet I’m simply mindful of the fact that God is hard at work providing experiences that will enhance our lives.  I’m in awe of the number of times, for instance, that I’ve met a new girlfriend, it's as if we’d known each other for eons before this introduction.  We feel like sisters almost instantly and I'm amazed at the timing of her entering my life at just the right junction.  I’m dumbfounded when I watch how messy situations, like a tangled heap of necklace chains in my jewelry box, somehow work themselves out.  I’m impressed with the people He places in the lives of our children to teach and support, as a second witness, what we’d been trying to instill in them.  I’m astonished how He works through the seemingly impossible situations we get ourselves into, even when we go to Him with one, almost as a challenge, “Go ahead and see what you can do about this.”  He calmly lets us know He already knew this was coming, He’s made preparations that go way back, anticipating this day.  He’s got this.

What we sometimes forget is that most of the time He uses other people as His hands.  I don’t know what form we're expecting His resolutions to show up in, but I love these thoughts from our wise friends,

“I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. '[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved.' On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal” (Elder Holland).

“God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other…” (President Kimball).

He’s there—not in the background—but in the forefront, yet He sometimes uses regular people to work out the details of our lives.  I’ve known two instances involving trucks where one had a need and the other was able to provide it.  With health issues, funny how you end up meeting exactly the right contact person who can steer you in the right direction or someone who has been through just the same thing. It is a humbling experience to be the answer to someone else’s prayers, and it’s just as humbling to know He orchestrated others to be there especially for us. 

But far too often in my life, I’ve not only failed to acknowledge God’s hand in my life and what others have done on my behalf; but worse, I’ve taken credit for the good in my life.  And maybe that’s just the natural human tendency, the mindset and formula we’ve been taught our whole lives: work hard, be self-sufficient, don’t depend on anyone else.  You’ve earned this.  You did it.  Good job.

Which is exactly what we’re up against as we strive to raise humble, appreciative kids who eschew entitlement and the idea that everything good in their lives is strictly a result of their own labors.  Like you, we want them to realize they don’t live in a bubble of their own making.  Rather, we want them to realize they are the beneficiaries of many people pulling for them, helping them out, sacrificing for them.  We want them to open their eyes, to notice their interdependence, to realize they didn’t make all of this happen completely on their own, to thank those who have helped them, to acknowledge the efforts of so many on their behalf: teachers, extended family, a loving God, good friends, adults at church.  To realize that there are even people behind the scenes who have contributed to their well-being. 

I think we all long for the times when our kids will come to us and wrap their arms around our necks and with a huge hug tell us thank you.  I love it when they thank me when I’ve folded their laundry for them or made cookies I know they love or helped them study their vocab words.  I love it when they say thank you for a family dinner out before we have to remind them.  I love it when they come upstairs with their thank you notes already written.  I love it when they leave me little treats and notes on my bed thanking me for listening or some other small act.  I imagine God feels the same way.  My greatest gifts from my children have been their tokens of gratitude.  I think because it shows me they’re beginning to open their eyes, that their hearts are changing, that they’re looking outside themselves.  I know this is how they will find happiness and it warms my heart to its core.  I want my kids to learn.  Because I want them to be happy.

And yet, I know He must feel just as joyful as I do even when it takes some time.  I think we’re all guilty of not recognizing how much our parents did for us until we moved away or became parents ourselves.  We may have ignorantly thought that our life was good simply because we made it that way.  Or, more likely, we never gave it a second thought.  But as we grow and mature, most of us start to realize how much our parents (and so many others) sacrificed for us, how many ways people have showed their love for us, and how indebted we are to them all.  Even when it’s years after the fact, I think God, parents, teachers, and anyone who has touched another’s life, rejoice when their children come back to thank them.  “I get it now.  That was from you.”