Motivated

I’ve put it off for over a month.  The ladies in our church group are all taking turns spending a few hours in the afternoon with one of the women whose husband was hurt in a car accident weeks ago.  I have to be honest, this is a hard one for me.  I’m so embarrassed to admit it.  And I’m more nervous about it than most anything I can think of that I’ve done recently.

It’s not that she’s scary.  Or mean.  Or anything negative at all.  It’s just me being self-focused and worried about what I’ll say for two hours.  What will we talk about?  It’s just so out of my comfort zone, you know I hate small talk. I’ve known her for years.  I’ve spent time in her home. Hours. Just not alone, I’ve always had people with me.  My friend who arranged it suggested we talk about books and movies, so maybe she’s right.  We can start there.

I’m not usually like this.  I am fine with making cookies for anything, I’ll clean your house whether you’re coming or going from the area.  I’ll drive the scouts, I’ll even spend days trekking around day camp with them.  Wearing a hat.  I’ll give talks, I’ll sing in the choir.  I’ll go on visits, I’ll write cards till the cows come home.  Give me an assignment, and I’m like all of you, I’ll do almost anything.

But this one got me.  I didn’t automatically email my affirmative response and ask which day.  I sat on it for a good month or so.  I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why.  Maybe I figured this was one for the women closer to her own age, the grandmas in the group?  I’m not sure.  But I needed time to ascertain where I stood, where my heart was.

I will say it’s added to my wonderment the past several months.  About motives.  I see people all around me taking care of their families and nurturing friendships and trying to do the right thing.  I have asked myself more than once why.  And what propels me personally to do any of those things.  A poignant question, but I knew if I was going to be honest, my discoveries may not be that honorable.  Which is exactly why I’ve been thinking about it.  It’s one thing to do an occasional good deed, to dutifully fulfill your obligations, but it’s another to do it with a kind heart and with pure intent.  And I’ve been a little uncomfortable with the uncertainty of not knowing where I stand.

I read an article years ago that has lodged itself in my head.  “Why Do We Serve?”  The author gave a continuum of six possible motives intended for our self-assessment.  Earthly reward.  To obtain good companionship.  Fear of punishment.  Duty or loyalty.  Eternal reward.  Love of God and love of fellowmen.

As I think about this in terms of my upcoming visit, I wonder.  From where I stand, there is no earthly reward at all. No one will know when I have completed my visit.  Or even if I will follow through or end up canceling.  The companionship is exactly what I’m afraid of.  Fear of punishment?  I wouldn’t use the word punishment, maybe fear of letting others down is more accurate.  But I am kind of hung up on the duty or loyalty one… I think that’s where I’m sitting on this one.  Eternal reward? I can’t imagine even asking about a reward for something I’m not carrying out with my full heart.  And yet the last one gets to me too: love of God and of fellowmen.  Because I do wonder if that has anything to do with it.  I wouldn’t say she considers me a dear friend, and so I think it makes me feel like a fraud to visit her out of the blue.  I haven’t loved her as well as I could have.  I haven’t made the effort I could have.  So how can I say now that I’m going out of my love for her?  Love I’ve never really shown.  That doesn’t make sense and it makes me feel sheepish and counterfeit.

But something makes me think about my love for God.  And I wonder if, as imperfect and immature as I am, if my desire and my love for God could compensate for my weakness.  I wonder if I could at least start here and hope somehow He would bless me with love enough to share.   

I admit this is a hard assignment.  It would be so much easier if we knew each other better, if we were closer in age, if I wasn’t so worried about my own discomfort.  I honestly don’t know how it will be or how I’ll be.  I’m not sure it won’t be awkward.  I’m pretty sure I’m not the right gal for the job.  And I’m certain I don’t have the perky personality that will lift her spirits and inspire her and make her feel better.  I’m still nervous. Not because of the woman I’ll visit.  Not because it’s strenuous or will take a long time.  Not because I’ve never done anything like it before.

But because I want to be authentic.  To do it for the right reason.  I want to be more than dutiful.  To genuinely feel compassion.  I want to be empathetic.  To serve with love.

To be honest, I’m still not sure that my heart is pure. I still hesitate because of that. But what I do know is I love God.  So much.  With all of my heart.  And so I will go and visit someone He loves profoundly.  Who needs flesh and blood people to spend time with her.  I will trust that He will send His love with me.  That somehow His love will be strong enough to lift another person, even if He sends only the weakest of agents to impart the message.  And as I do what I can, I know He will reserve some of that love for me.  And that He will teach me how to better love as He does simply because I’m willing to step out of my comfort zone.  I suppose I can say I’m motivated by that faith.  Even though I’m not there yet, even though my heart isn’t what I wish it was, even though I’m scared to fail, this faith is a start.

I love this video because it shows me I'm not alone. Others seem to have felt this way too. And their willingness and faith in God's love changed them. That inspires me.