Ambivalence

Writing in my journal the other night, I started to nail down a few conflicts I’d been going back and forth about, hoping to deal with the mind clutter.  I’ve been told I’m complicated.  I hate that.  It hurts my feelings; but I admit it, I’ve got a mind like spaghetti.  Maybe it’s a girl thing.  For whatever it’s worth, here’s the list.

Loving the stage of parenthood I'm in (teens and upper elementary) so much but hating it more than any other because they're leaving.  Eager for our 19 year-old to be heading out on one of the greatest of life’s experiences for two years.  Sad that our family will never be the same.  Anticipating one of the best phases of our family’s life.  Hard to believe it’s come to this.  Feeling wistful.

Learning to hold my tongue and not impart every good idea I have to my kids.  Wanting them to avoid pitfalls I faced, but knowing the value of agency and learning from our very own mistakes.  Wishing they’d ask for advice.  Knowing I never did.

Longing for just one more baby.  But knowing we felt good about the decision to stop.  Wondering if we should've pushed it.  Glad that we didn't take the risk.  Having vivid dreams about babies, wondering what another one of our babies would've looked like.  Relieved to be past that stage.  Wondering if I’ll be a better grandma.

Wanting to be pro-active with my sore arm vs not wanting to hurt it more.  I remember wondering the same thing after each baby and especially after my c-section.  They always told me to take it easy but don't just lie in bed because your muscles will stiffen.  Good grief, I never knew what they really meant.  So I went up and down stairs with laundry, mopped, did all my regular life, but I wonder if that's what inhibited my desired speedy healing.  I need a list. 

Knowing it doesn't matter what people think but wanting to know if I've hurt someone's feelings or made someone happy. Not many people let you know one way or the other.  It's hard to know what to change or if something was worthwhile without feedback, so I wonder what ramifications my behavior has.  I think we all do the best we can, it would just be nice to get a report card from God every now and then.  Or from one of his mortals.

Wanting to be tan but not wanting to get skin cancer.  Wishing for that beautiful clear brown skin like so many of my friends but also finally accepting and loving my freckles.  But if we’re being honest, I’ll have to admit I prefer tan skin with freckles to the white milkish backdrop I’m dealing with.

Craving my fluff magazine or book at the end of the day but wondering if I should spend my time on something more enriching. I already know what you’re thinking.  But time is precious to me and I love learning, I want to use my time and mind fully.  That's one reason I hate sleeping.  I am so grateful for the days I've been granted that I want to make the most of them.  I'm fast and efficient.  To a fault.  But Todd's been trying to teach me to sit on the porch with a lemonade for years.  And I love it!  The kids love to show me bugs and sunsets, I love our slow, quiet evenings.  But I'm torn, wanting to make the most of every moment I have, to show that I appreciate my health and ability to work, while at the same time wanting to just enjoy the moments, to slow down and just be.  I'm getting better at both, working hard when I'm on task and allowing myself to just savor the downtime, but I lean way too far on the efficient side.

Feeling like I ought treasure special items like family glassware and jewelry but honestly not caring one bit.  I’m the least sentimental person I know.

Wondering if it's better to tell someone outright that s/he's hurt your feelings or to think about it for a little bit first.  Most of the time I recognize my part in the conflict immediately but am too embarrassed to make amends or admit it right away.  Or my emotions are too raw to even talk about it.  So I wait.  But it makes it harder to bring up and deal with.  I'm the worst.  Ask Todd.

Liking having people around but longing to be alone. I think apartment living is perfect for this.  The main reason I went to the library to study instead of staying in my apartment in college.  I still like that set-up today: me writing or puttering around the house with Todd and all the kids doing their own things.  I like the background noise, knowing people are around, but being able to focus on my own work.

I feel this on the weekends.  Wanting to just go to bed early with a book after a busy week while at the same time eager for company and socializing.  I'm happy with either, a mix of our little family and a little branching out, it's just hard to know which one to pursue.

Wanting beautiful long dark tresses but knowing I'll never be that kind of girl.  Because even though I know that looks don't matter, that we should just look for the good in people, I still wonder what it would be like to be beautiful, to be noticed like the models, what it would be like to live in that shell.  I know, shallow, a waste of time, but I’ll admit it.  I sometimes wonder.

Should I fight my mom and insist on paying for dinner or just let it go?  She works so hard for her money and I appreciate her generous spirit, but I’m torn.  We’re both so stubborn.  I don't want to take advantage of her, and I only do activities I'm willing to pay for, but she insists at every turn.  So hard to know whether to keep at it or to wave my white flag.

Wanting people to read my blog but not wanting everyone to know my business.  I don't want to be famous, but I'm willing to open up if it helps anyone feel validated or if it helps anyone to know that someone out there understands and has felt the same thing.  That is a huge motivation for my writing, helping us feel connected and more similar than different.  And so I'm both private and not, comfortable sharing my inner core and yet secretly glad not very many people read what I write.  

Wanting to be smart and at one time (elementary school) thinking I was, now knowing I'm average and really don't know much at all.  Being attracted to the ladies who read and are intelligent, who make me want to be better.  They inspire me, they’re interesting, I love our conversations, I feel at home with them.  I want to be truly intelligent.  But I sometimes feel like a fraud, knowing I'm not really one of them.

Wanting to butt in and take care of things for my kids vs wanting them to be independent.  Wanting to teach them self sufficiency but worrying that I'm not being nurturing enough.  Am I doing too much or leaving too much up to them?  I have a pretty good idea, but I so love the soft moms around me.  I wish I were more like them.  

Not having a real paid job but feeling like I'm running as fast as the ladies who do.  Wanting to be available for my kids but feeling like there are so many ways I can use my time that sometimes I feel like I need a day off even though technically every day is a day off in my life.  I want to serve and give and help other people, but sometimes I feel like I'm giving everything away with nothing left for my family.  I want to be selfless, but sometimes that leads to resentment and I realize I want to retreat and be a bit selfish.

Talking just enough about the facts of life while not planting new ideas for them to mull over.  Wanting to talk about it all more but not wanting to make them uncomfortable.  Good grief.

Loving having a big yard but feeling resentful that it takes so much time and work.  I love that the trees and flowers are maturing and filling in, but I wonder if not too far down the road we'll have to downsize and leave the yard we've come to love after all we've invested.  I love that our kids all play a part in its maintenance, yet it makes me wonder if all we've created is a future headache.

Wanting so much to talk about religion with all my friends but feeling like I can’t.  It’s weird to not be able to because it’s the backdrop of my whole life.  But I cherish my relationships and never want religion to become a wedge.  I love it when someone is open with me about her faith, what they do at their church, what their doctrines are.  It’s all fascinating to me!  So I straddle this part of me too—being myself but not too much of myself.

Wanting to have treats but not flab. Wanting the cookies but knowing what it takes to work them off.  This is a constant pendulum in my life.  Salad and grapes with cottage cheese for lunch.  Four cookies and milk for dessert.  Yeah, it’s bad.  

Letting my kids have a traditional, old-fashioned summer vs providing a little bit of structure.  Been dealing with this one for years.  Maybe we ought to let them sleep till they're not tired any more?  Or maybe we should insist they be more productive with their days?  I have no idea.  Can’t decide if I’m looking forward to school starting or if I’m secretly sad I won’t have them around all the time.  I like their company, but sometimes I’m grateful for our tv.

Being with Todd at night or the kids in the morning.  He stays up late.  They get up early.  I end up doing both.  I love staying up late with Todd.  I love our pillow talk, catching up after the day, working on a puzzle in the dim light of the quiet house or pouring over our Country Living magazines together in our cozy bed.  But then it's 11 and I realized I've sabotaged tomorrow.  Because the kids will be up at 5:30 and I'll want to be up with them, starting the laundry, doing my work-out, saying prayer with them before they leave.  Napping is my secret weapon.

Wanting to live by a budget but knowing it never works.  Striking the balance between caring about money (being prudent and responsible) and not letting it be a major interference with every decision I make.  We like to be up-front with the kids about the reality of life, how much things cost, why we can't do everything other people do, how we choose to spend our money, all so they have a realistic handle on what it takes to run a household, so they’ll be more responsible than we’ve been.  And yet I know I talk about it way too much.  That's a habit I inherited.  And one I know I need to break.  I hate it.  I try to be a good steward, and yet I don't want money to be the deciding factor in every choice.  Some real work is needed here.

Wanting to include everyone but not wanting anyone to ever feel that she's a project or that I'm just doing it to be nice.  I honestly like being with a variety of people, and I like getting small groups together;  I just can't consistently, simultaneously invite everyone I know.  I think we all gravitate to a handful of close friends.  I don't want to be any part of a clique and yet I worry about leaving someone out.

Even though I vowed many years ago to not gossip, I still struggle. I do think it's good to pass on compliments, but otherwise I think we need to be very careful with what people share with us.  I don't want to talk about people negatively, but at the same time I know that close friends have a need to talk things out, and a lot of times that entails sharing about people they're struggling with.  I get all mixed up about this one.  With some friends I have to remember not to ask a single question about any living person.  With other friends I need to remember to be sensitive, to follow up on relationships they've told me about in depth.  Sometimes I mix these two up and am so embarrassed.  I guess my resolution here is it depends on the reason.  If someone’s just spouting news, that makes me a little uncomfortable.  But if we can help a mutual friend, that’s good information.

Wanting to know what's going on in the world while wanting to hide in my my bubble of ignorance. Knowing I need to be an informed and educated citizen but feeling that knot in my stomach listening to the news.  I admire people like Todd who listens to NPR for an hour every day, but I think I'd lie awake in a panic every night if I did that.  I try to temper the bad with good.  I think if someone is going to listen to talk radio for an hour about all the ills of the world, she ought to listen to a show or read for the same amount of time about the volunteers who are helping across the nations, the teens who are raising money for their cancer-stricken friend, inspirational messages of hope and love.  Yes, there is so much bad in the world, but we become what we surround ourselves with.  I want to be informed, but I don't want to be bitter and shriveled, I want reminders of how much good is going on too.

Along those lines, I deal with fears and faith nearly simultaneously, like a yoga girl trying to balance in tree pose.  Ever so slightly I'll go back and forth, relying on my core to keep me upright.  I have a strong sense of the purpose of life, what the outcome will be, what I'm here to do.  I know God is stronger than all the evil in the world, and yet I value agency just as He does, and so evil abounds.  I want to trust Him that He will protect my family, and yet so many others pray for the same thing.  And not everyone is safe.  I want to relax and trust, but I'm afraid at nearly the same time. I know faith and fear can't co-exist, but they are real close neighbors in my head.

I’m sure I’ve more than worn you out with this tour of what’s going on in my head—you can see why I’m so tired come night.  Maybe you feel settled when it comes to issues like these.  And have little patience for people like me.  Or maybe you’ve seen yourself in some of these examples. Maybe it’s just my age.  And that I’ve lived long enough to have seen the spectrum of possibilities on so many issues. I’m ok that I have this muddle going on.  It’s not pretty.  It’s not tidy.  But there’s not a facet of my life that is.  I admit that I’m not sure where I sit about a whole lot of things, that I vacillate, that sometimes I’m unpredictable and inconsistent. But it also means I’m considering things from a variety of angles, that I’m aware of how my actions influence and affect others, that I acknowledge my way isn’t the only way.  It means I’m opinionated but sensitive, hopeful but realistic.  That I take life seriously but recognize that most of the time that means savoring the days as they come and not stressing if I’m the only one who’s dealing with a little ambivalence here and there.