The brothers I never had

I spent some time texting a good friend of mine yesterday who’s been sick.  He’s a former bishop, one of my closest friend’s husbands.  He is amazing, and I just admire him and appreciate him so much.  As we ended our discussion, I just felt so blessed to have him as a friend.  I recognized a dream from long ago, and I’m seeing how it came to be fulfilled in a way I never would’ve expected. 

Ever since I was a little girl I longed for an older brother.  An impossibility, given I was the oldest of three girls.  Unless we somehow adopted someone. A little brother would be just as welcome, but obviously that never transpired.  My desire still held regardless of its unfeasibility.   So many moons later when we were expecting our first baby I secretly, in the depths of my heart, hoped for a boy.  A big brother.  If not for me, then maybe my wish could come true for my future kids at least.  I planned on a girl just so I wouldn’t be let-down but upon delivery couldn’t have been happier with my baby boy.  I was ecstatic.  And I cried. 

So having had only sisters, boys were a mystery to me.  And, even up until very recently, uncomfortable for me.  I wondered, as we began our family with two little boys, whose idea this was.  I knew about girls.  Boys were nuts.  But I remembered how I wanted my kids—any kids I’d have—to grow up with brothers, so I persevered.  I have since learned the ins and outs of brotherly love.  What an education…

In elementary school I was tall for my grade, had white skin, freckles and short, no-nonsense, stick-straight, regular brown hair.  I was the studious teacher’s-pet, uncoordinated, shy, and awkward.  All I needed was braces to pull off the whole look.  But instead I chose head-gear. In sixth grade, I added to the picture by accessorizing with glasses.  The worst baby-blue, Coke-bottle kind. It was just an awesome package.   Does it get any better?  The extreme opposite of what a boy would be attracted to.  I watched the girls who were the type.  They all had long blonde or light-brown hair.  Flirty.  Carefree.  Pretty.  Tan.  They were comfortable with the boys.  And probably themselves, I supposed.  Why wouldn’t they be?  Girls like this sat beside me literally and figuratively all through jr. high and high school.  Although I eventually started noticing boys as more than just classmates who always got in trouble for being loud and disrespectful, I just knew I lacked, along with the right look, the effortlessness that other girls seemed to have with guys.  I never understood why.  I just thought I was shy and knew I was ill-at-ease around everyone, but especially guys.  Except the ones who were non-threatening, the smart ones in my classes.  We were content to talk about the subject matter, we were gender-neutral, fellow-students with no other motive than to make a good grade.  Thank goodness for friends like these.

There were so many others I had no idea what to do about.  So we ignored each other, an agreement that worked well for both parties.  I’ve always, always hated the guys who only know how to joke and tease.  Completely throws me out of my comfort zone.  It’s the last thing I knew how to respond to, having never practiced with brothers or even male cousins or friends of the family.  No one I was close to ever acted like this.  I always thought they were just being mean.  It wasn’t until Avery was facing this with her brothers starting back about eight or so years ago and we taught her what it meant, how that’s just how guys interact, that she shouldn’t cry or cave but give it back playfully, that I finally understood how it all could’ve worked in my life, how it could’ve all been more fun and less serious.  How I should’ve learned to do that so many years back.  But now I’m afraid that it will look like flirting, so I mostly just banter and tease with my sons and Todd.  But I finally get it.  I’m just like 35 years too late. 

Like most of you, I dated a bit here and there.  Oh, the mistakes.  I wish my life had the Etch-A-Sketch feature where I could just turn that period over, shake it, and come up with a clean slate.  I swear I’d do it all better.  No boyfriends, just friends.  I’d be up-front, classy, and a true friend instead of being so gossipy, jealous, insecure, and insensitive, thinking it was all about whether we liked each other or not.  I should’ve taken advantage of those years to make good friends, to learn what makes guys tick, and just have platonic fun, like I would with a brother.  Maybe all of us have regrets about our dating years.  There was just so much I didn’t know about guys and myself.  So much I just wasn’t.  But what can I do about it all now but learn and move on?

My sisters and I had a few true friends as we were growing up; Bob and Kenny are a couple who have lingered and hung on, we’re still friends.  They blended in with the three of us girls as part of the family.  We also had an older cousin, Trent, who went to San Diego State (I always wondered why on earth someone would move to San Diego for college when I couldn’t wait to leave…, but whatever).  He’d come over for Sunday dinner all the time when we were young teens.  We’d watch Grease; he’d show us his dance moves and tell us about college life.  He and the others were the closest things we ever had to brothers, and we relished our time with these fine folk.  They were normal and comfortable to us, didn’t always just tease us and act goofy.  I felt regular around them.

I met Todd, both of us being the oldest in our families, back when we were just 18.  That meant he still had three brothers who were in elementary school and jr. high or high school; they were still being raised.  So I became part of the family, calling my in-laws mom and dad right along with Todd’s other siblings.  They all became my little brothers.  I watched them grow up.  It’s kind of weird having seen them as young ten and twelve and fifteen year-olds turn into dads with families of their own.  They are just like my own brothers.  I have felt so generously blessed over the years.  It just took some time.  Who knew that I’d eventually have a whole family of not only brothers-in-law but sons?  Surrounded by the male family members I’d always longed for.

But some of my other brothers have come into my life in such an unsuspecting way.  As friends.  Family friends, the husbands of my dear friends.   These men are like the big brothers I always wanted.  They are amazing.  They are so in love with their wives and their families.  They are respectful, funny, humble, hard-working, teachable, willing to help us with anything.  I love them as much as any brother.  I like how real and down-to-earth they are, how they’ll give me the real scoop about how their wives are doing and what they need, we always end up laughing.  Guys are awesome like that.

Over the years I have been blessed with many other brothers.  A young married student assigned to kind of watch over our new family back when we were first married.  Others who came to help us move and start a life in Illinois.  A mentor for Todd in vet school.  The husband of one of my best friends in Illinois.  I was able to spend so much time with her when she was sick, they became like family.  My kindred spirit friend I only knew the last nine months of vet school; she is still one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and I love her as much as any sister.  And her husband is on-par with her.  When we see them, time melts away.  A guy Todd met fishing back when we just had two little boys.  He still comes to dinner occasionally.  A great conversationalist and friend.  Others have become role models and mentors for our kids, family friends who are like uncles and cousins and big brothers to our kids.  I hope my daughters are noticing what a kind and devoted husband looks like.  And I hope my sons are seeing what it takes to be that kind of husband.  I love these good men.

It’s a hard thing (maybe for everyone?) to transition from the dating scene to married life.  One day you look at the guys on campus as friends you might want to get to know better.  A few weeks later you return with a ring and husband and you have to pretend you don’t see them anymore.  It’s hard to even know how to interact with them in some ways.  But I had two really sweet guy friends who worked with me at the Visitors Center at BYU.  They always called me mom for some reason.  I think because I was a few years older and kind of like their big sister.  They were critical in helping me make the transition because they showed me what it looked like to be completely brother-sister-like when it’s not a blood relationship.  I don’t know that I’d ever really had guy friends like this, except for Bob and Kenny.  Guys had either just ignored me or I’d occasionally date one here or there.  But to have friends I could really be myself with was just so comfortable and easy.  I learned from them without recognizing it.  They both have cute wives and families, and I still felt like their big sister as I watched it all unfold.  We eventually lost touch, but I wish I could tell Brian and Ryan what a difference they made in my life. 

I suppose it can be a little tricky, having friends of the opposite sex when you’re married.  To me, the key is in keeping it all above-board, in always having Todd as part of any interaction we have.  I’m not friends with any old boyfriends or even people I dated on Facebook (we share an account), I’d never email or text our friends anything he can’t read, we’re always together when we’re talking with our friends.  So we keep things light and friendly—we’re almost always together as families.  But they have meant the world to me, these male role models and friends we’ve had over the years.  I just wish I could share with them how much it means to have them for friends, as an extension of our family, as the brothers I always wanted.  Because having these men in our lives is a dream come true for me.