I got a text from a girlfriend after three of us had spent the afternoon together, and it’s been on my mind ever since.
We had been eating our ordered-in lunches at one of our kitchen tables; we’d laugh, then cry, then laugh all over again, just as we’ve done for years and years and years together. We have watched each others’ kids grow up as we’ve shared the pains of parenthood, church, work, health, extended families and relationships over so many hours together. I honestly can’t believe the hard things they have faced; we’ve felt such tenderness together. But the hardest of all they share is when they’ve felt judged when people don’t know what’s really going on with them or their kids or when they feel misunderstood for their choices.
Her message just said she was grateful that she could tell us things and never feel any judgment, just love. It touched my heart that she would feel that. I remember her telling me on one of our drives together who she could trust as friends. She counted on one hand.
I have friends in other parts of the world who have also felt betrayed, misunderstood, and abandoned by the people in their lives. I know these women and their hearts intimately; we’ve been friends for decades. We’ve spent hours together as they’ve shared their experiences and the pain of feeling misread, of other women shutting them out because of differences or circumstances they know nothing about.
What I’ve realized is that judging is mostly only a problem when we don’t know someone. Because once we’ve gotten past the small talk and superficial chit chat, when we really take note of who she is, what she’s going through, and what her life experiences have been, when we understand her pain and fears and insecurities, it’s the most natural thing in the world to just love her, to feel her heartaches, to laugh at the absurdity of life with her, to want to be a true friend, to draw her close and be a soft place for her. It seems to me that judgment stems from assuming we know more than we do about another person’s story. Most of the time we’re simply not privy to much at all. And all we’re left with is what we can see. But how often does the outside convey what’s really happening inside another person’s home or family or head or heart? How likely are we to show the truth ourselves?
I’d say every single girlfriend I have looks like they have everything going for them. I’m surrounded by amazing, strong, competent, beautiful, contributing women who are raising excellent families and making a difference in their spheres of influence. They’re dependable, easy, fun, and optimistic, just lovely and loving women. For sure. But every single one has heartache. Every single one. They all struggle, whether it’s the family they grew up in, loss, their kids, marriages, finances, feelings of self worth and belonging, faith questions, health issues, infertility, pornography, balancing work and family, questioning what their purpose is, feeling overwhelmed and discouraged, anxiety, loneliness, just everything that goes along with regular life. Some I know better than others, and the ones I see only superficially still look like they have it all handled in my mind until we’re able to spend more time together and are able to really talk.
Fortunately, we likely have friends who know us up-close, who have made the effort to spend time with us, who genuinely care about our worries and concerns, who are not threatened by our differences but instead ask about our perspectives, friends who simply personify love. We know how reassuring and secure it feels to have this kind of support. We’re allowed to just be where we are, uncensored, unfiltered, authentic, raw, the real us without needing to show up in an acceptable, put-together way. What a relief and comfort to feel safe in their company and to trust that what we share will be guarded and accepted, not judged or spread.
It is a sacred responsibility to be this kind of friend. And such a privilege to be invited into someone’s heart. But until we are, we can offer grace and empathy by assuming the best in others and by acknowledging that, even though we don’t know the specifics, there is likely something painful or difficult we’re all hiding behind.
I’ve found it most helpful to simply spend time with each other beyond the superficial. I wonder if we can make more of an effort to safeguard what’s shared with us, to assume the best in others, and to withhold judgment. I wonder if we can be the kind of person others can feel confident about trusting. Inviting, including, reaching out, uplifting, speaking kindly, and never giving the impression of judgment in the slightest. All this boils down to is really just loving others.
I have spent a lot of time with one of my favorite friends talking and texting during a difficult transition. As I asked what I could do to help, she replied with poignant words I’ll always remember and cherish, “There’s nothing to do. Just love me.”
I can’t help but think that’s the key to relationships. We have nothing to lose by simply loving people, by giving them the benefit of the doubt, by being a safe person in their lives, by letting down our own guard and pretenses and allowing others to be vulnerable yet secure by accepting them where they are, regardless of what we perceive their lives to look like.
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