Friends

I continue to be pleasantly surprised during my conversations with a grandpa I’ve been getting to know.  He had a stroke several months ago, but is pretty lucid still, and he loves to talk, so we just visit.  I have a book I bring with me that has like 3,000 question prompts. I ask him all sorts of random things, and he’s such a good sport. He never remembers who I am and always wants to know what my research is for.  I’m mindful of his energy and offer to give him an out by asking if he’s tired and needs to rest, but he always wants to keep talking, which amuses me.  But what really gets me is how alike we are.  Everything from roller coasters (they scare us to death), musicals (I pulled up a whole list on my phone and we talked about them all), what value we think is the most important in society (honesty), what class we hated most in school (p.e.), proudest accomplishment (our families), favorite season (fall), to what he likes to do fo fun (hike in national parks and good conversation—what?!).  I have just been fascinated during the weeks that we’ve gotten to know each other how similar we are despite our age difference (he’s got to be around 80), gender, religions (he was a pastor at some point), time period of growing up, educational and employment backgrounds and obvious life experience.  I honestly feel like I relate better with him than most of the people in my life.

I feel this way with a couple of other unsuspecting relationships.  At face value we’re nothing alike.  But the more I spend time with and get to know this handful of varied women, I’m seeing that I have way more in common with and see the world much more like they do than the usual suspects in my life.  They like to garden and make bread and other food from scratch and use lots of vegetables and store their little food items in jars and enjoy doing puzzles and engaging in good conversation.  Camping, nature, frugality, pets and animals, not concerned about germs or high fashion or how their lives appear to others, on and on.  I had no idea I would come to love these women so much.  We were all thrown together in a pot, just interesting that the ones I thought I’d have more of a connection with, not really.  And these I assumed would just be superficial friends have wiggled their way into my heart by just being themselves and by us getting to know each other.

I was fascinated with my reaction the other day at a group gathering.  Usually I’m pretty comfortable with whatever these days, but this was a smallish gathering of like 10, and about half of the women were new to me.  I recognized that old sinking shy feeling from jr. high and got my food and retreated to a hide out on the couch with my old stand-bys instead of gathering at the table with the newbies.  They were so colorful and fashionable and young and talkative and comfortable with each other; the foods they brought were delicious and pretty and so out of my element.  I felt old and frumpy and grayish, not wanting to expend the energy to engage.  But we gathered to discuss in the living room as a group and after an hour or so, I relented and relaxed.  I couldn’t help myself.  They were great.  Yes, they were still confident and self-assured, but they were so warm and accepting and easy to be with.  We laughed together, obviously we all have a love for reading and ideas and discussing, they were just genuine and lovely. I silently asked for forgiveness for misjudging them and for closing myself off.  I think I already love them.  I don’t know why I felt resistant to new friends.  We can always use a friend, and it is so enriching to have a variety of women in our lives.  A valuable and humbling reminder/lesson.

I have found this to be true with nearly every single person I’ve encountered.  Yes, some I connect better with, even though sometimes at face value you wouldn’t think we would given our apparent differences.  But I have never truly gotten to known a person without developing a love for her.  Once I know her stories, what her passions and worries are, how she grew up, what her life has been like, it’s not even a question, I always feel love and compassion.  Though I’d like to get to the point where I feel that way without the benefit of having heard her story.  I think the older we get, the better we are at assuming everyone has had a rough time and is going through hard stuff; in that case, the older we get, the better we should be at loving.  All I can say is that I’m better at it than I used to be. :)

A young friend and I were just sitting in my living room one late afternoon this week and she asked about friends, confessing that she finds navigating friendships to be hard and that sometimes she feels like just giving up. So I asked her what she wanted from a friend and expected from her friendships.  And then she asked me the same thing.  I thought I’d have a quick and easy answer.  Not at all.  After thinking for a minute, I told her that, honestly, I feel like I can love anyone.  But when it comes to people I can actually trust, the list is super short.

I had to think a little more and was kind of surprised that what I wanted from a friend boiled down to just a handful of items.  Trustworthy tops the list obviously.  Respect for differences is huge too. But then dependability—like they’ll follow through when we plan something, that they’ll show up in a supportive way.  And a little give and take helps too so it’s not all just me and so I know they’re interested and invested.  But honestly I’m good with it being a little more lopsided, I have loads of time and energy to devote to girlfriends so it definitely doesn’t have to be equal. And I certainly don’t need to be called, texted, or coddled all the time.  I don’t need gifts or for people to do things for me or to go shopping with girlfriends. I’m happy with lunch every now and then, good conversation on our couches every so often. I’m good with weeks or months or even years going by; if I’m confident in our friendship, then I don’t require a whole lot of maintenance.  I will be a loyal friend forever, and I will give a million chances.  But I can also take a hint. :)

I realized, as I was talking with this little sister friend of mine, that the main thing I value in a true friend is connection, how open we can be with our hearts, how safe I feel.  And that’s where trust really comes in to play.  I am open to a fault—about things that I don’t care that everyone knows about.  But I am very guarded about the things closest to my heart and am very, very selective about who I share these things with.  I know it’s not really a gold standard, but I have noticed that I feel closest and most connected with my friends I can both laugh heartily with and cry with.  I have had experiences where I’ve just met a woman and within five minutes we’re sharing an intimate moment and one or both of us is tearing up.  And others I’ve known for years and years and I would never consider us to be close at all.  I think it’s vulnerability, opening our hearts, being authentic and real and genuine and imperfect and admitting we have no idea, this is what I’m looking for in a close friend.  This friend was asking why it’s so hard for women to do this, and I suggested that so many of us are afraid to look like we’re floundering or that we don’t have it all together.  Or maybe some just aren’t into that kind of sharing.  Or don’t want to invest the time; they have their families.  Or, as she offered, maybe we’re not the kind of person she wants as a friend, fair enough.  She also said she just knows she will be disappointed by some of her friends and she’s good with that.  Interesting observation and discussion.

Like I said, I believe with all my heart that we can love (most?) everyone.  It obviously gets easier as we get to know people for real, and it’s especially nice when we find common ground—which is inevitable the more we really talk and share.  I’ve found there are potential friendships everywhere, sometimes in the most unlikely places and people—we just have to get beyond what we think we see.  But, from my experience, I just feel that to have really deep, close friendships, we have to expose ourselves, to open our hearts, to respectfully share our innermost feelings, to be safe and kind and trustworthy.  I don’t think it’s a lot to ask from a friend.  But it might be a lot to ask from ourselves.  Which is where we need to start if we want that kind of friend.