I just can’t help but wonder how we got here. And if here is a good place to be. I wonder what we’ve given up, what we’re trading to be here. Not that it’s necessarily all bad. I just wonder if we ever stop to think about it.
Super sensitive topic, I hesitate and delete and try again and erase and pause and pick it up later. I hate the idea of hurting anyone’s feelings, and I’m aware that I’m definitely in the minority. But I’ve thought about this for years now and I feel even more strongly about it than I did when we first made some changes back when the kids were in elementary school. Because I’ve seen so many kids grow up, I’ve talked to friends intimately and honestly, and I’ve heard regret.
And possibly (probably?) I lean this way because the culture in our family isn’t super athletic. But our background is similar to many of yours. We did our share of sports growing up (tennis, track, softball, t-ball, swimming). Our kids have all done sports. They did community soccer from when they could barely dribble between cones. We tried karate. They’ve nearly all done cross country. One did tennis. A couple have done track. A couple have done volleyball. It’s not like we’ve been on the sidelines. And yet I feel as if we may as well be up in the bleachers.
I know I’m out there, but I’m just wondering aloud if we push competitive sports too much in our culture. And if there’s a way to invite them into our lives without letting them take over. I wonder if we could go back to making it a little less heavy and intense. What about just for fun? What about going back to being able to play a variety of sports because you didn’t have to specialize in just one?
Most of us are living pretty tightly scheduled. With a bunch of kids of different ages, I get that. I’m right there with you. (Kind of.) But I wonder if we can ask ourselves and our kids some questions when it comes to their activities.
How important is this to you?
What are we giving up as a family to make this work?
What do you see yourself doing with this in the future?
Do you have time for the really important things in life? Do we as a family?
Do you have time for people?
How’s your stress level? How are you emotionally? How’s your school work?
Do you have unstructured time just to be?
Will this add joy and happiness to your life? Is this fulfilling?
Could we achieve some of these objectives in other ways?
What are we learning from coaches that we couldn’t learn from parents? In other ways?
Is what we’re sacrificing for sports worth it?
Are there other ways you might like to spend your time? Would you consider taking a break to try something new?
I guess I just hope we’re being mindful. That we aren’t just signing up because we can. Yes, we may have time. Dad or mom is the coach, we’re doing it with them. Yes, it may be his God-given talent. Yes, it may pay for college. Yes, he’ll probably even play in the pros and yes, if we work hard enough she’ll have a shot at the Olympics. Yes, we know how much you loved athletics when you were her age. Yes, there are a million great things we can learn from participating with a team and all that entails. Yes, coaches can be awesome mentors. Yes, teamwork, commitment, follow through, dependability, life skills, exercise, yes, yes, yes. But is this the only way? And is it the best way?
What if we worked as a team in the garden? Or to build a greenhouse? Or to build someone else a house? What if we didn’t have practice or a game and could just go up to the mountains all day Saturday or for family night picnic on a long summer evening? What if we just read a book in the hammock or played tennis with a sister since we have a free afternoon? What if we invited friends over and played volleyball or football in the yard? What if we used our yards? What if we didn’t have to stick around all of June and could go camping instead? What if we didn’t have to fundraise? What if we used even a little bit of the thousands of dollars (hotels, gas, eating out, fees, equipment) and saved it for college in case, for some reason, she doesn’t end up getting a scholarship? Or used it to go on a family vacation that didn’t require sitting on a soccer field? What if we didn’t have any idea what we’d do with the extra time and money but we just said no? Just for a season. Just to see what would happen.
To be agreeable, I’d say one sport and one music (or whatever works for each family) at a time is plenty for a kid. Even at that, with several kids in a family, it can still get out of control. And so maybe we need to ask some hard questions and make some sacrifices. Maybe we need to rotate who can do what each season. At least while they’re young. I love the athletics at the schools, with practice right after, close, convenient. A few games or meets, a short season, doable, I’m in. I’m also completely fine once they can drive themselves. But I still think we need to be mindful. And talk about the impact sports are having on our families.
And this is why I even broach such a controversial topic. Because I feel like the world is already influencing our kids too much.
Schools have our kids all day and then sports seem to be taking up the afternoons and into the evenings and even spilling over into the weekends. Social media seems to be filling in all the gaps. I just feel like to be able to teach our kids and to influence them and to share our values we need to spend more time with them while at the same time allowing them time to figure things out on their own (with more unscheduled time away from teachers and coaches even).
I doubt anyone disputes the fact that our families require our attention. Look around. Families are flailing and failing. And they desperately need us to be engaged in significant ways. Our kids need us. They don’t need good coaches more than they need parents. They don’t just need other young people their age to keep them company, they need to develop strong relationships with their siblings and extended family. More than team spirit and comraderie with girls on the volleyball team, they need to forge lifelong connections with their brothers and sisters who are growing up and leaving home; these are the people who will carry them through life and who will always have their backs, not their teammates from jr. high.
And, to be honest, we simply don’t have time for it all. I know we think this season is short. This is temporary insanity. We laugh knowingly when we talk about our schedules with other moms. It will be over in another month. Until it’s time for the next sport. But stop and really play it out. When do we get back to real life? Are we tricking ourselves into thinking this isn’t real life? That this isn’t how it always is, that this just happens to be an outlier, just one particularly hard, crazy season.
When we started soccer, it was an hour practice across the street from our house with a short game on Saturday. When we started karate it was an hour a week. But then it all started becoming more competitive and demanding and, without realizing it, we were sucked in to more than we signed up for. What started out as a fun way to get some exercise and try something fun changed over time.
Are we splitting up the family to go to games in different parts of the region? Just to meet up again Sunday as we hit the new week? When do we have dinner around the table as a family? Maybe Sunday? What about the other six days of the week? When do we have time for leisurely conversation about the mundane, the nuances of relationships the kids may be grappling with, the questions about life and their place in this world? Yes, in the car. Yes, while we eat our sandwiches on the sidelines. Yes, I’ve been there; I lived there for years. I know how it works. And it does work. To some extent. I just wonder if we can give our kids something better.
Where will they learn the intricacies of working things out among peers without a coach to mitigate every conflict? What happened to back yard play time or simple unstructured self-directed play with the inevitable, “I’m bored” whine? Why is that something we want to avoid? What if it actually propelled them to get creative and problem-solve and figure out their own fun without a paper schedule to dictate what they’re to do next? What would happen if we allowed or even encouraged loads of free time? What if they got a job? Worked more on family projects? Had more time to serve? Discovered a new hobby or learned a new skill? What if we simply cut back even a little?
What if we just talked about it as a couple? What do we really want for our kids? What role do we want sports to play in our family’s life? Are they enhancing our family life in long-term, valuable ways or are they depleting our already scarce resources of time and money and energy? Do we have time for the cornerstone activities: dinner, spiritual time, un-rushed time to talk, one-on-one one time with the kids, dates? And bring the kids into the conversation. How do they see things? Is this how they want to play out the rest of high school? Do they have time for everything? Will these sacrifices matter long-term? Are they creating and keeping strong relationships outside of the team? Especially with their family? Will they regret how they spent these years?
And maybe the answer will be, We’re great! This is working for us! We’re thriving as a family, we’re fitting it all in, everyone’s good. It’s crazy, but in a good way. This is what our family does and we love it. And that would be fabulous. I know lots of families who somehow manage to do it all, kudos! You’re the kind of family who could run circles around ours, you make me tired just listening to your schedule for the week, I’m in awe. And if that’s you, carry on!
But I just wanted to at least bring it up. I feel like our culture has swept us away in a sea of sports options starting very early and becoming ever more intense and involved, taking us away from other worthwhile pursuits and activities, which may include nothing more than a lazy afternoon on the grass and a pillow and her thoughts. And if we’re not mindful and cognizant of the choices we’re making, we may inadvertently be missing out on other valuable, even critical, parts of life as a family. I just wonder if someday, even many years from now as we look back on it all, we may have regrets about how we spent the tender, formative, and fleeting years of their childhoods. And I wonder if we would've chosen a little differently if we had just given it a little thought.
Good, Better, Best talk by Dallin H. Oaks
No comments:
Post a Comment