Todd and I have spent some time talking about this the past little bit because I’ve felt unsettled about the way a couple of things have played out. It’s been on my mind, but I set it aside because I decided it was just me being typically Caren and making things weird and complicated. Until a good friend talked about her struggle with this exact issue during our discussion on Sunday.
I’ve always heard, learned, studied, been told, and felt that if something seemed good (ie along the lines of serving), it was from God and that was all the criteria we needed for a go-ahead. So if we feel to call someone out of the blue, to randomly send someone a card, to get in touch with a long-lost friend, or to text an acquaintance, it’s all within the parameters of good and therefore inspired. And so I’ve tried to follow through, as I think we all do, on ideas and promptings I’ve felt. But in doing so, I’ve sent notes even when it seems weird or unnecessary. I’ve texted people who seem just fine. I’ve called to check in on a friend I was thinking of just to find out all was well. Which is exactly what my friend was telling us just the other day. She’s had the same experiences. And we’re not the only ones.
With the heightened focus on ministering (serving in meaningful and personal ways those around us) juxtaposed with one of my resolutions this year, stay out of people’s business, I’m befuddled. To the point that I feel like sitting out an inning or two. Just to get my bearings and to figure things out.
Because sometimes all I feel is dumb. Misled. Like some kind of silly Pollyanna do-gooder. A little friendship fairy who’s making a fool of herself. A desperate soul in need of something to do with her time.
Believe me, I’m not trying to make work for myself. I’m never, ever bored. I love puttering and doing my own thing. I’m an introvert to the core; I’m happier with a book than crowds. But at the same time I want to extend myself. As I assume we all do. I’m like you, I want to love, serve, reach, strengthen, welcome, befriend, listen, and include. I want to be an instrument for sure. But to be honest, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing with the thoughts that run incessantly through my head.
I’ve tried following this admonition, taking it as a fail-proof guide. But as I think about it even initially, I realize how I could’ve gotten things wrong. There are certainly more positive thoughts and intentions that stream through a person’s mind in a day than could ever be accomplished in a lifetime.
I think about all the people I’d like to have over, the tiny gifts or treats I could bring to help celebrate a special day or what I could do for a friend going through a rough patch, ladies who could use a fun card in their mail. I wonder who’s lonely and could use a visit, who’s having surgery or a baby or a wedding, who’s moving in or out, and what we can do to help. In the past I’ve just pounced on a good idea no matter how fleeting. I’ll admit I’ve been hasty, assuming that simply because a good thought came to visit, I was meant to entertain it.
But I love how God wants us to know the scriptures in their entirety, to string them together, rather than relying on a random verse here or there to be our sole admonition. He reminds us throughout the scriptures that we need to study things out for ourselves and to expect confirmation in our minds as well as our hearts. That we shouldn’t run faster than we have strength. That all things need to be done in wisdom and order. That we all have different gifts and abilities. That we are all different parts of the body of Christ/the church, that we all have a role to play. That there is a time and a season. That we should pray over everything, even our flocks and fields. That He notices when even a sparrow falls. That He knows how to give the best gifts. That we should be anxiously engaged in good causes using our own free will. That we are instruments in His hands. That our top priorities reside within our families. Reminders that provide dimension to the random ideas that are strewn about my mind.
It’s obvious that some of them are simply not meant for me to execute. At least right now. Foster? Adopt? Go back to school? I acknowledge those thoughts as they run through my head periodically. And yet I feel nothing compelling me to act on them. I can’t help but think of the different causes my friends support, the front-and-center roles they play, their powerful leadership and community involvement. And I can’t help but wonder if maybe I should be doing something similar. But I know myself and I’m keenly aware that I’m not ready to take on anything of the sort. It’s easy to recognize my limits and to say no for now to things like that.
So why can’t I sift through my other good ideas better? Make dinner for a friend who’s having a minor surgery… sure, it wouldn’t be a huge deal. By all accounts, a good idea. But necessary? I immediately started to text a friend to see if she wanted to help. But then I asked Todd what he thought and cancelled the plan. I realized just because I could see something that could be done, it wasn’t necessarily what needed to be done. At least not in this case. I guess I felt that confirmation because the thought never came back, it didn’t persist, I didn’t feel anything other than calm about moving on. I wonder if I get confused when good ideas come in the form of a behind-the-scenes small act of service that seems to be tailored specifically to me, my season of life, and my abilities. If I’m getting an idea that resonates with something I’d like to do or feel comfortable doing, then I assume God’s telling me this one’s for me.
But I have a tendency to see a need and have a desire to fix it like the matching game: issue, solution, match. Maybe a lot of us are like that. But just because the match seems glaringly obvious doesn’t mean it necessarily is. There are nuances to consider. Mostly I need to slow down and think things through. Not all day. Not even usually for half a day. But for a minute or so. Move on to another activity long enough to see how the idea’s still sitting with me.
How will this impact my family and my day? What’s my relationship with this person? Will it make anyone uncomfortable? How will it come across? Would it make better sense to just leave this situation alone and give her some space? Is there someone better suited to fill this need? So many times I start and end with the first question and use that as my sole barometer. But I can see now that that’s why sometimes things haven’t ended well in the past. I haven’t stopped to ascertain even those basic questions, and I haven’t sought confirmation that what I’m considering is appropriate or needful. I think that’s why we’re encouraged to just go ahead with anything good we think to do, because if we sat and analyzed anything for too long we’d never act on any of our good thoughts. There are always obstacles and excuses and never enough time. But maybe there’s some wisdom in simply slowing down, asking God for a nod, and paying attention to how we feel, a tiny confirmation to move forward. Or at least letting Him know, Here’s the plan, let me know if I’ve got things wrong. This can all happen in just a minute or two; it doesn’t have to be a huge production, just an acknowledgment with and a team-up with God.
I’ve written notes I’ve never sent. I’ve sent notes I never should’ve written. I’ve thought of notes I never even wrote at all. I’ve said too much, I’ve missed chances to say anything at all. I wonder if I’ve gotten in the way more than once. And I can’t help but wonder how any of it has been received. I guess I’m just saying that maybe it’s wise to just take a moment and think about a good idea before we act to make sure it’s really what we’re being asked to do. And yet, I still believe it’s not wrong to err on the side of being generous and loving. Even when it doesn’t seem to make a lick of difference, when there’s no response. When we can’t see anything out of place, any reason why we’d need to get involved.
I obviously still grapple with this, with knowing when to extend myself and when to bow out. And yet I know that when we are doing our best to follow Christ, to serve and love as He’s taught, when we really are trying to listen to what our heart is telling us, we will more often than not manage to do some good.
No comments:
Post a Comment