Cautious

One of my biggest fears growing up was quicksand.  I lived in San Diego so I’m not sure how that got stuck in my head, but for some reason it made the short list.  Not so much anymore.  Currently it’s bears.  Mice.  Getting kidnapped and shoved in trunk (actually more of a life-long fear).  Being asked to serve as a general women’s leader in the church and having people know I have no idea about the scriptures stories.  Losing my husband or kids.  Going to jail.

I don’t know how likely any of those scenarios are, but I can tell you that I base my actions around my fears to some extent. Well, when possible.  I live on a (tiny) farm.  Obviously mice abound.  I also live in Montana and tent-camp all the time, even in Glacier a couple of times where bears have been seen only days before; we hike in the mountains (with bear spray).  I’m trying to learn my stories and keep all the bible characters straight (possibly a lost cause).  Just in case.  I avoid sketchy scenes and rely on my intuition and confidence to avert possible kidnappings.  I also don’t travel to the middle East much.  But the jail one is tough.  Because I’m afraid of doing something on accident that will kill someone.  Not with a gun.  With my van.  Vehicular homicide.  Manslaughter.  Those words pierce my soul.  And cause me great anxiety.

With that fear in mind, I swear I’ve had the thought a million times to not text while I’m driving.  Which I’ve dismissed so often.  The roads we travel are fast and somewhat empty.  And so I’ll admit I’ve called my mom and Todd and others when no one’s around.  But over the years, I’ve become more hesitant about doing that and definitely more vigilant.  Because that thought persists.  I don’t know if it’s God or the ad campaigns. 

But I think it’s God warning me.  I think it’s Him telling me no message or conversation is worth a possible disaster.  My biggest fear is causing an accident and killing someone—not me, but an innocent victim.  We hear this happening all the time.  Maybe mostly among teenagers?  But I’ve seen countless grown ups over the years coming toward me, drifting into my side of the road, which is scary as we’re facing each other just feet apart on these two lane roads going 60-70 miles an hour.  As I look back to see what the problem was, they’re nearly always on their phones.  I’ll be honest, I’ve got my phone right beside me.  My van is my office and I have all sorts of equipment within arm’s reach: tape, scissors, notepad, cards, pens.  My phone is just an extension of all that.  You know how uptight I am about wasting resources of any kind, but time feels like my most valuable of all and I maximize every minute I can, especially when I’m driving.  That’s when I can make appointments, arrange activities with friends, do my church calls, talk with family, check in with the kids.  But I’ve felt strongly to be on-guard, to really be mindful about what I’m doing.  And so I look forward to red lights, my go-ahead to text and call. I know it just takes seconds; I know I could just punch in the numbers when I’m moving, send my reply, just be quick, no one would know.  And yet, all it takes is bad timing.  A second without looking.  Averted focus.  Loss of concentration.  It could all change in a moment.

I’ve thought about this a lot.  I’m pretty lackadaisical about most things.  I don’t mind messes at all.  We’re not a scheduled family by any stretch.  We’re not hard-core.  Except when comes to driving and texting.  Or our marriage.  As I’ve driven—with nothing to type and only my mind to keep me occupied—I’ve had plenty of time to consider what other parts of my life I’m that careful about.  Probably not our animals (they’ve certainly been left out all night, gone without food and water, overheated, been left in the cold) or our doors (can’t tell you how many times they’ve been left unlocked and even wide open to the snow and elements overnight).  Not my health (you know about my cookie issues—yesterday it was six) or what I read (I’m super inconsistent).  I definitely thought about my spirituality and considered it to be at the top of this two-item list.  But I realized that my convictions don’t change because I don’t read my scriptures one day.  That sort of takes some time. That has to do with habits.  But then I thought about parenting and our kids.  They are absolutely up there on my list.  But I actually decided there are very few mistakes we make with our kids that will completely change everything.  They’re flexible. Forgiving. Obviously, when they’re young, one mistake can kill them.  Flying off a counter, pouring oil on a flame, stuff like that.  So yeah, I guess that counts.  I was thinking more of interactions, the relationship.  And maybe we could consider marriage in the same light.  I believe it takes years for a marriage to fall apart, just like our convictions or other relationships.  And yet, just like a moment’s indiscretion with texting, our marriages can crumble in an instant. I don’t drink, but I’ve lived long enough, read enough and listened to enough country songs to know a night out can change everything.  Which is why I say a marriage is different than any other relationship.  Because it’s the only one with that kind of intimacy, the one relationship where you take your hands off the wheel for just a moment, and you’ve crashed.

As I’ve thought about the ramifications of being distracted, I’ve determined to be more cognizant of what I’m doing.  Am I finishing up a text as the light turns green?  Am I coming across as flirty with my guy friends?  Or to their wives? Am I calling my mom even though the road is mostly empty and I know nothing’s coming?  Is it a good idea to ride or be alone with a guy I’m not married to?  To become a little too casual in a relationship? I’m not a risk-taker by any stretch.  But I’m a little lazy with parts of my life, a little nonchalant, a little carefree, I’ll give you that.  But as I’m driving, as I think about my husband, I’m wide awake.  It’s one thing to hit a deer you never saw, it’s one thing to lose your spouse to a heart attack.  But to cause a catastrophe that could’ve been avoided, to paralyze a teen for the rest of her life because I just had to send my RSVP to a baby shower? To tell my kids life with their parents under one roof, all their stability and security is gone because I thought it’d be fun to feel young again and attractive to some guy?  Totally not worth it.

And maybe it’s a stretch.  And you might disagree.  Maybe it’s not a big deal to catch up on some business while you have the time in the car and the road’s fairly clear.  Maybe it’s just bantering and laughing with a good friend, nothing more.  And you’d be right.  Most of the time.  But I’m not a risk-taker.  I’m not into taking chances.  Not with something as important as a life.  And definitely not with my marriage.  I’m not saying we can’t come back from a slip.  An auto accident may not cause lasting damage, maybe no one gets paralyzed, maybe no one dies.  This time.  And there’s almost always a way back even from an affair.  But maybe not this time.  What I am saying is let’s be cautious, let’s be disciplined, let’s not take something as serious as marriage or life for granted.