I had an assignment to teach a lesson in church a few weeks back. I wondered how Heavenly Father wanted me to handle it, and so I prayed and prayed for some ideas, some direction. I’ve learned from so many lessons and talks that have flopped that I need His help. But what I discovered this time was interesting.
My friend and I had to cover the exact same material; we were teaching different groups, one right after the other. She did such an exceptional job, it was just amazing. But it made me question what I had prepared. My notes were nothing like hers. I had planned to go in a completely different direction. I hesitated and wondered if I had been inspired after all. And so I sought out a quiet unoccupied classroom during the following hour and prayed again. I felt confirmation that the ideas I’d come up with were fine. The lesson in all of this was that God doesn’t insist we play some version of “Guess What I’m Thinking.” He allows and encourages and expects us to use our abilities and even—maybe even especially—our personalities to perform the tasks He gives us. In so many instances I can think of, He simply doesn’t care about the how.
That validation comforted me. Of course I’m not able to produce the same lesson outline as my friend who has a completely different paradigm, personality, and set of life experiences. But that’s just it. That’s the beauty of it all. What mattered that Sunday is that we talked about Christ. We talked about loving each other, what we can do to help each other. The details and how we approached the topic wasn’t nearly as important as what we all felt during our hours together. This experience led me to think of others like it.
I was lucky and had an excellent chemistry teacher in high school. I still remember a couple assignments she gave us. One was to make a poster to convey any lab rule we wanted. We could draw something, write something, anything we wanted using our own creativity. I loved the freedom, the different productions, the variety of talents and angles. Another one was to create anything we wanted based on the periodic table, the only rule was we had to somehow incorporate the elements. The really smart kids in our class rearranged the elements into new categories; they were out of my league, completely brilliant, I had no idea what they were talking about. I took a completely non-academic approach and made up band names and song titles loosely using words that sounded like the elements and made construction paper 45 rpm records. I listened to music from the 50s all the time, and it was a natural expression for me. Odd, but completely me. Again, I loved the freedom she gave us. I loved that we were exposed to the periodic table, we learned, but we were able to do so in ways that resonated with us personally. Her friend, the oceanography teacher, was very similar. I remember making an enormous (several feet long) Loch Ness Monster out of chicken wire and paper mache with my best friend. What great teachers!!
Our 11 year-old daughter was putting away our Costco stuff and wanted to organize the pantry. Hallelujah! I didn’t care one bit how she did it, I was totally happy to abdicate that task to her. She was brilliant and it turned out better than if I had orchestrated it. I was thrilled that she wanted to, and I think it could’ve gone badly if I’d infringed on her vision and told her exactly where I wanted things. (Who cares where the chili or the pasta goes??)
I thought about the kids’ chores. I’m not sure how things work in your house, but our chores seem to change with the seasons and as new needs arise (i.e., animals), so every so often we need to re-visit what needs to be done. My first thought was to kind of stick with basically what everyone had been doing and tack on a couple to each kid’s (invisible) list. But a) I couldn’t be bothered and b) I realized that this was up to them to figure out. So I just typed up a list of everything we expected to get done during the week and let the three of them sort it out. I love that a) I’m out of the picture and that b) they have self-regulated (they have a vested interest in making sure it is precisely equal and evenly distributed).
As I thought about those teaching and parenting experiences, it made me wonder how often we get in the way and try to control things instead of following God’s example of letting people handle things their own way. Granted, teachers and parents and God have some parameters, a few expectations; but really, how much of the detail should we oversee or obsess about? I know what you might be thinking. I know God cares about the details of our lives. But He doesn’t impose His will on us; He leaves many things up to us to decide and execute. I love this admonition, “Verily, I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness. For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward. But he that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with a doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned” (DC 58:27-29). I’ve always liked knowing He trusts me enough to make a large portion of my life’s choices on my own and that He expects me to do good according to the dictates of my heart, in ways that resonate with my personality.
I believe He expects us to use our talents and strengths and desires to be the kind of parents, for instance, that we are naturally inclined to be. I could never be one of those moms who makes fancy cupcakes with matching decorations (I’ll admit I’ve tried, I have no idea why). I’ve tried posters and stars, beans and the jar. (I’m too no-nonsense and simply not a rewards kind of mom; I threw them all out within a week.) I hate sledding and the cold and avoid it all as much as I can. I don’t see us ever embracing sports. That’s just not us. But messes, bring ‘em on. Animals, definitely. Camping, love it! Books, as many as you can carry; stay up as late as you want as long as you’re reading. Bedtime? Not really, we figure you’ll get there when you’re tired. It’s just the way we roll. I know God cares that I’m invested as a mom, I know that. But I love that He lets me be the kind of mom I want to be. We still cover the basics. They eat, we read scriptures, we spend lots of time together, we pray, we play. It may not look like what the rest of you do, but we’re at peace, I feel like we’re close. To each other and to God. And I think that’s all God wants and expects from me.
As I think about all this, it’s freeing. Because it takes all the judgment out of the picture. I don’t have to worry about how anyone else is doing anything. And I don’t feel pressure to be like someone else. I already know we have different strengths and likes and lenses we see life through. It’s awesome to just sit back and watch everyone do their thing, to see how beautifully it comes together when we don’t interfere and keep arbitrary lists of what’s acceptable and what “should” happen. Thankfully, that’s just not God’s way. I love that He gives us some guidelines and then lets us run with it. I can’t help but think back on the variety of teaching and parenting and leadership styles I’ve seen in action. The bold and loud, the fancy and flamboyant, the calm and quiet. All have had a huge impact on the people they’ve been asked to lead, and I know they were successful in influencing others specifically because they employed their own personalities and styles.
Like I said, I loved Erin’s lesson so much. So much. She is wise and soft-spoken, humble and gentle, strong and full of conviction. She has a way of connecting with women, she teaches easily of God’s love because she radiates it so convincingly. But I also loved that after praying and teaching, I felt peaceful knowing that even though our lessons didn’t look the same, each of our offerings were perfectly acceptable.
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