The power of our words

Stake Conference

12 March 2016

Theme: Alma 7:23-24 "And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.  And see that ye have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works.  And may the Lord bless you, and keep your garments spotless, that ye may at last be brought to sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and the holy prophets, who have been ever since the world began, having your garments spotless even as their garments are spotless, in the kingdom of heaven to go no more out."

Elder Gene R. Cook shared an experience years ago,

Solemnly, people began to gather outside the mission president’s office. Exchanging astonished glances, many could still not believe that they had been summoned to a church court. The officers of the court were full of love and understanding, but very serious in their investigation of the charges; those present could lose their membership in [the Church]. The charge was not immorality or apostasy; they were accused of speaking evil of a neighbor.

A fine brother had been slandered by those gathered together that evening, accused of the serious charge of immorality. He was completely innocent, but the great damage that had been done by “those whom he counted as his friends” would not be easily repaired. Who could measure the near destruction of this good soul? Who could measure the impact on the branch, as its fellowship was eroded? And what about the effect on those nonmembers who also became involved? Who could ever undo the evil that had affected hundreds of lives?

It had happened so easily. It began with simple words like… 

“Did you hear?” 

(Gene R. Cook, “Gossip:  Satan’s Snare,” Ensign, Jan 1981)

With our theme in mind, I’ve been asked to share some thoughts on gossip and unkind words.  I know.  There’s nothing more humbling than a week of introspection and with nearly every conversation I’ve had, I’ve noticed how easy it is to slip.

But Elder Holland asks all of us, “Is this something we could all work on just a a little?”

We’re taught “That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment” (Matt 12:36) and that “…our words will condemn us” (Alma 12:14).  Those reminders always make me a little uncomfortable because, like feathers from a down pillow flying through the wind, I don’t know how to capture all the thoughtless things I’ve said in my life.  But I’m grateful for the atonement that can help us change and help us forgive.

So tonight I want to illustrate how words can affect us both negatively and positively.  And then we’ll talk about ways Christ has shown us how to be a good friend.

To understand the impact of negative words, can you think of a remark from years and years ago that still kind of hurts? Most people can think of something pretty quickly.

In jr high pe class, basketball teams were randomly assigned, and I got put with an athletic girl who huffed when she saw that I was put on her team, “Why do you have to be on our team?”  I already knew I was uncoordinated and not the least bit athletic, but I dreaded p.e. from that day on and have shied away from most sports ever since.  Thanks to this girl from over 30 years ago, one of my biggest fears is that my ward will force me to join the volleyball game at one of our summer picnics. 

At a home BYU football game freshman year, my friend and I were walking up the bleachers together and I overheard a couple of guys say, “Those are two of the ugliest girls I’ve ever seen.”  Their words have haunted me for years, making it hard for me to accept compliments even from people I trust like my mom and my husband.  But thankfully, the atonement has helped take the sting away and has taught me that we are beautiful to Christ when we have His image in our countenances.

I was a 26 yr old first time yw president in a tough ward.  Even with all a president has to do, the hardest part of my calling was the distress I felt within our presidency when I discovered they’d been talking about me behind my back and were critical of how I was doing things.  It compromised my confidence, our unity, and our effectiveness.  But the one who was the most vocal and critical has become a great friend.  It still scares me to death to think of being a president, and I think this experience has a lot to do with that.

You can see how lingering words can affect a person even years later.  So let’s talk about how words can be positive instead.

Now try to remember some compliments from your childhood.  A lot harder.

Social scientists explain, “there’s a problem: the brain barely responds to our positive words and thoughts. They’re not a threat to our survival, so the brain doesn’t need to respond as rapidly as it does to negative thoughts and words.” (psychologytoday.com, “The Most Dangerous Word in the World”)  They say it takes anywhere from 3-20 positive interactions to combat the effects of one negative comment.

Which reminds me that I need to be really careful with what I say.

Mark Twain used to say he could “live for two months on a good compliment.” 

Maybe it’s because my love language is words, but I can live for decades on a compliment.  I remember my 8th grade teacher talking about one of my essays in front of the class.  Her kind words encouraged me to continue writing, a hobby I’ve enjoyed ever since.  I would love to tell her how much her words have influenced me, and I would love to be that kind of person for someone else.  

We’ve heard that “one kind word can change someone’s entire day.” It’s one thing to notice the good in people, but think of the potential words have to build confidence and connections when we tell them.  Think of how a tiny Post-it note in a lunch box or on a door can help a daughter feel loved. Think how an unexpected note in the mail can buoy up an overwhelmed young mom.  Or just a quick, “loved your lesson” could help sooth a new teacher’s insecurities. Reading letters or notes from your spouse or a good friend or parent, maybe when you were first dating or on your mission, brings back all the same loving feelings.  A good cry with a close friend connects you the way superficial talk can’t.  Think of how comforting and encouraging the words of our patriarchal blessings and the scriptures and the Spirit have been in our lives, bridging the gap between us and Heavenly Father.  Words can motivate us to live up to the good people see in us, and they have the potential to weld hearts together.

Before we talk about examples from Christ’s life, let’s remember that we’re here tonight because we agreed to take His name upon us.   Each one of us has made a covenant to “bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light.”  We’ve promised that we will “mourn with those that mourn…and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.”  Most importantly, we’ve pledged to “stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all places” (Mosiah 18:9)  What do those covenants have to do with the words we use?  Words have the potential to strengthen or weaken relationships, so we need to constantly remember our promise that we will do all we can to strengthen and help the people around us.  Sister Holland reminded us, “We simply cannot call ourselves Christian and continue to judge one another…so harshly” (“One Needful Thing”).

5 ways we can use Christ’s example in our relationships:

1.  He always sees the good in people.

Most of us already know and feel the heaviness of our own shortcomings, and most of us are dealing with something most people know nothing about.   The Lord expects us to give each other the benefit of the doubt and to leave the judging to Him.  We are usually safe when we assume that everyone we meet is doing the best she can, we just need to be kind. 

Sometimes we hardly realize what we’re doing, we’re just being thoughtless or careless.  I remember a teacher in our married student ward who confessed she and her husband would visit their friends and then talk about them on the ride home, analyzing their parenting methods and how they would do things differently.  It finally donned on her that even though these were her dear friends, and they loved them; and even though they never meant to be malicious, they were picking them apart.  And that’s just it.  We have to be so careful, even when we’re talking with our spouses.  In most instances, we would be wise to simply hold our tongues when we have nothing good to say.  And move away from talking about other people altogether.

One of the most destructive things I’ve seen is when youth talk about other youth or when we talk about the youth ourselves.  They are already trying to navigate some of the toughest years of their lives.  The last thing they (or their parents) need is neighbors or ward members talking about them, dissecting their lives, whispering about what they’re wearing or who they like or whether or not they’re coming to church.  Instead, we can focus on the good and show love with kind and supportive words. 

As Elder Ashton famously put it, “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other,…when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is…resisting the impulse to become offended… Charity is…being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.”

2.  The second way Christ taught us to be better friends is to be trustworthy.

For me, trust is a top priority in any relationship.  One couple we love lives by the mantra, “Your name is safe in our home.”  I know anything we talk about will stay put, they refuse any semblance of gossip, and they’ve set a high standard for their friends to adopt.

Christ needs women who can listen to troubles and heartaches and keep them to themselves.  He needs priesthood holders He can trust when there are judgments to be made, when ward members have private issues to discuss, and with financial information.  He needs us to be discreet when we home and visit teach when our families share their concerns.  To be effective servants in His church, He needs to know He can trust us.

I’ve heard some wise counsel over the years that can help us become more trustworthy:

Don’t say anything you wouldn’t want the person you’re discussing to hear or that you would be embarrassed about if they found out.  (They almost always do.)  Even if you aren’t saying anything, your presence in a conversation can be construed as participation. 

We can ask ourselves, “What is my motive in sharing this?”  The teachers at our school use this all the time, “Is it helping or hurting?” when the kids are tattling on someone.  If a kid trips and gouges his knee, it’s helpful to walk him to the office and tell the secretary, but it’s not necessary to embarrass him in front of the whole class.  Likewise, if someone you home teach looses his job, it’s helpful to mention that to the bishop in confidence, but it’s not your place to tell the whole Elders Quorum.

Eleanor Roosevelt: “Great minds discuss ideas.  Average minds discuss events.  Small minds discuss people.”

Unless we are in a leadership position or truly in a relationship that would necessitate it, we should tread very carefully when people become the topic of our conversations.  But, even then, we should be very, very judicious and careful that visits and presidency meetings, for example, don’t become gossip sessions.  I appreciated the way one president I worked with guarded private information.  She would simply mention there was a sister in the ward who was struggling and that we needed to pray for her.  She wouldn’t give us details about confidential issues, but she knew these sisters needed prayers. It feels good to know what’s going on in a ward, but I’ve realized that sometimes we use the umbrella of a presidency to share information that we don’t really need to discuss, that’s none of our business. 

I've found myself asking friends, "How's so-and-so?" or "What can we do to help?" when I've heard about an issue or problem within my circle of friends or the ward.  And maybe my intentions have occasionally been altruistic, but I'm afraid sometimes it's little more than a dig for more information to satisfy our curiosity.  What I'm learning is that if we are really interested in someone's well-being, we can simply go to the source. If we are truly concerned about a friend, it seems more discreet to pray and about what we specifically need to know and do.

Ask, “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?”    Most of the time we get so hung up on the fact that it’s true without bothering to consider if it were us, would we want it shared?  And really, is it necessary to share everything we know about other people?

A sister wrote an Ensign article about gossip years ago, “When I chided an acquaintance for not telling me that a couple we both knew had gotten divorced—something I thought would probably be common knowledge—her simple explanation put her on my people-you-can-trust list, and I immediately perceived her as a woman of honor and character.

“I just wasn’t completely sure if it was something they wanted discussed yet,” she said. I now knew that anything I told her would be kept confidential. Had she filled me in quickly on any details or, worse, conjecture, she unwittingly would have revealed that she was not careful with information” (Name Withheld, Ensign, April 1998).

I think we can all relate with that.  When something serious comes up in our lives, maybe a delicate health or family issue, just something we don’t want everyone to know but that we need support with, we all of a sudden long for someone we can trust.  We all have friends we love being with, but I cling to the words of my patriarchal blessing, “Choose your close friends wisely.”  The best way I know to determine who I can trust is to pay attention to how they keep others’ confidences.

She continues, “Years ago I struggled for a time with some personal difficulties. I longed for someone I could really trust and talk to. I quickly eliminated those people I had heard talking about others, revealing confidences, and speaking carelessly. Finally I remembered a loving relative I could trust implicitly.

As we talked and I bared my heart, I knew deep in my soul that my words would never be repeated. How fortunate that during a difficult, challenging time I could find a warm, safe shelter, a caring individual who would treasure my confidence and guard my personal information.” (Ibid)

3.  The third way Christ has shown us how to be a good friend is in how He uplifts us.  He made everyone he encountered feel better about themselves.

“Therefore, strengthen your brethren in all your conversation…and in all your doings” (DC 108:7) “Cease to contend one with another; cease to speak evil one of another… and let your words tend to edifying one another” (DC 136:23-24).

A friend was telling me about a girl she knew in high school.  She was the kind of friend you never wanted to gossip in front of and would always change the subject or find something good to say about the person instead.  I imagine her example made others feel both safe and good about themselves.

I think we’ve all known people who, like Christ, make us feel better just by being around them.  President Getz was the first person my husband thought of.  He knows us personally and always calls us by name. He asks about our family and our lives and smiles and seems genuinely happy to be spending a few moments with us.  We always leave his company feeling rejuvenated and inspired by his kind words.

4.  The fourth lesson we can learn from Christ is to not be easily offended.

Can you imagine what Christ would have to contend with if he succumbed to all the ridicule and mockery and betrayal he faced?  What if he sat at home and cried every time someone said something offensive or thoughtless or cruel?  I’m not downplaying how hard it is when we’ve been hurt, but we don’t have to let the thoughtless words of others paralyze us or take us away from our covenants.  We can assume it wasn’t intentional and they obviously don’t know the whole story and then leave the rest up to Him.  We can forgive just as we hope others will overlook our lack of judgment.  Thankfully, the atonement can give us strength to do this.

Elder Bednar affirmed, “To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.  The Savior is the greatest example of how we should respond to potentially offensive events or situations. Through the strengthening power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, you and I can be blessed to avoid and triumph over offense” (“And Nothing Shall Offend Them,” Ensign, Nov 2006).

5.  Finally, Christ taught us to fast and pray for help in overcoming temptation.

We can start fresh every day, asking Heavenly Father to help us avoid the temptation to gossip, for the wisdom to know when to leave or switch gears in a conversation, to know what words to use to strengthen those around us and to know who needs a friend.  Fasting can give us extra strength when we’re trying to make new habits and to forgive those who have hurt us.

In conclusion, I’ve got just two final thoughts.

“During an informal fireside address held with a group of adult Latter-day Saints, the leader directing the discussion invited participation by asking the question: “How can you tell if someone is converted to Jesus Christ?” For forty-five minutes those in attendance made numerous suggestions in response to this question, and the leader carefully wrote down each answer on a large blackboard. All of the comments were thoughtful and appropriate. But after a time, this great teacher erased everything he had written. Then, acknowledging that all of the comments had been worthwhile and appreciated, he taught a vital principle: “The best and most clear indicator that we are progressing spiritually and coming unto Christ is the way we treat other people.” (Elder Ashton, “The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword,” Ensign, May 1992).

Our missionary son loves his ward in Oxnard, California, because of its enthusiasm for missionary work, obviously.  In the last two years Sacrament attendance has gone from 80 to 180.  I was curious what had made the difference, and He said they focused on visiting and home teaching and missionary work of course, but then he wrote me something that surprised me and has stuck with me.  The bishop basically told everyone that they need to quit gossiping and getting offended and realize this isn’t a social church but literally God’s church.

When I read that his bishop had been so bold, I was a little surprised.  But then what I heard was an urgency, a call to put aside the pettiness and unChristlike behavior so that they could become what Heavenly Father needs them to be.  We truly are members of Christ’s church.  We have made covenants that we will take His name on us, that we will lift and help the people around us, not make life harder for them.  We don’t have time to waste on gossip or unkind words.  We are sons and daughters of God who should be so busy preparing for Christ to come again that the last thing we have time for is idle chit chat that does nothing but hurt people we love.  “…For the devil laugheth, and his angels rejoice” when we’re distracted from our divine purpose.

As members of Christ’s church, He is depending on us to be the disciples we’ve covenanted to be, in deed and in word.  I know He will help us use our words to strengthen each other if we ask for His help and follow His perfect example.