Most of the time it’s not even an issue. Turning 44 next week, I feel like I’ve all but outgrown this tendency, and so it’s kind of surprised me that it’s even been on my mind lately. And I hesitate—as I do most of the time when I’m sharing my personal life—to even admit I’m dealing with something like this. But I have felt to let you into my heart in hopes that it will resonate with even one person. And that it will help.
I will attribute it to hormones, possibly age. But to be honest, I’m blaming my sisters.
I spent a weekend with them this fall. Their Christmas cards/photos came this week. I think my sisters are beautiful. I always have. But even more so lately. I can’t put my finger on it, they just are. They are looking more and more alike to me, which is interesting because I never really thought they did until this past year. They have longish light brown hair, one with blond highlights. I’ve always had plain dark brown hair. Mostly short. I love their cheekbones. I’ve never had cheekbones, just a roundish, comfy face. I know we have features in common like our blue eyes and freckles and thick hair. People even tell us we sort of look alike. It’s just that I’ve always felt like the odd one out. Especially now.
And so I know this is a personal issue. And the last thing I want is comments, reassurance. That’s not at all what this is about. Please don’t pester me with that kind of thing. I’m fine. Totally fine. Just wanted to share the thoughts I’ve been dealing with because maybe somewhere along the line you have too.
You know how it is. A bad hair day. A string of them. I wonder if I should embrace my dark hair. If I should highlight it like my sister and all my girlfriends. I wonder if I should cut it or grow it out. Bangs or try without? I’m not in love with any of it at the moment. I think it’s partly winter in Montana. And the pasty white look. I so prefer colored cheeks and a little brown tint, even if it means a few more freckles and dirty looks from my dermatologist friend. I think I’ve had too many treats this year. That, or it’s these dumb jeans that give every woman I know a muffin top. Better than mom jeans, but low riders have no where to push residual baby fat but up. But not far enough up. I think my mom and sisters have been losing too much weight. I think I’m jealous.
And so I decided to be pro-active. But not in the way you’d think. I haven’t gotten highlights; in fact I just touched up my gray roots in medium brown. I haven’t cut my hair or made any decisions about it. I’m not getting (any more) plastic surgery; I’m determined to deal with what I have. I’m still working out every morning, and I’m trying to watch what I eat; but I’ll be honest, I’m still having cupcakes and cookies. A handful of caramel corn every now and then. Bread. I figure I’ve got to be real with myself—there’s no way I’ll ever give that stuff up, so I might as well work around it. Bottom line, I can’t switch things up drastically. So I went to God for ideas.
I’m not afraid to talk to Him about real life. I ask Him, for instance, about ideas for a healthy lunch. To help me know if I should stay home or help a friend. If this book is worth my time. Throughout the day and week and year, He’s my go-to. And so I know enough about Him to know if this is an issue for me—as petty as it is—then He will help walk me through it. Because we all know how sad it is when one of our own daughters has a down period of time. All I want is for her to know how absolutely precious she is. The last thing in the universe I care about is what her hair is doing. Or what size she is. Or what shade her skin is. I love her simply because she’s my daughter. And so with that in mind, I knew He’d help me re-focus.
The answer I’ve been learning is that is doesn’t matter one bit what anyone else thinks about us—even when it comes to what we look like. Which is funny in a way because I think we think we’re trying to look good for everyone else. But preferences are so personal, how could you ever appeal to everyone out there? We really are only trying to look good so that we feel good.
I remember writing a list of answers to a question in the scriptures, “What desirest thou?” A list of maybe 15-20 entries. And one of them was “To feel beautiful.” Which is interesting. I knew intuitively that I wanted to only write items I could honestly satisfy. I couldn’t all of a sudden become worldly beautiful. But I knew I could feel beautiful. Maybe simple semantics; this word choice made all the difference though. Because I wouldn’t be at the mercy of the world, waiting for their deciding vote. It would be between me and God. And I know I can do anything with Him. Even feel beautiful. What I’m really saying is it has more to do with what we think about ourselves than what we actually look like.
Think about preschoolers. They love wearing bright colors, doesn’t matter if they match or clash. They just want the sparkly shoes. Or to wear a cape. And when we let them, we encourage their confidence. Radiating joy and pride, they couldn’t care less what any one else thinks. They are just bursting to show who they are and what they think of themselves. And we can’t help but smile with them as they bask in their obvious enthusiasm and bliss. They are absolutely beautiful to watch.
That’s kind of what I’m getting at. You know I’ve talked about this all before. We do what we can with what we have, we find clothes we feel good in, we do our best to be healthy, we take care of ourselves. But the key is that we don’t dwell on all of that. Instead, we move away from the external and focus way more on what we can do for others and how we can help them feel great.
And so that’s where this has come for me. My mom’s and sisters’ hearts are three of the most gorgeous hearts I’ve ever seen. Generous, fun-loving, passionate about finding ways to lift the burdens of others, fiercely devoted to family and morals. They radiate beauty like no magazine girl could. Their beauty is deep and genuine, which is why it’s so attractive. They are warm and funny and accepting and real and loving. And I think that’s what I’ve been seeing this year in them, they become more beautiful every time I see them. And I long for that myself. Which is awesome because that kind of beauty is within everyone’s reach. I know this, I’ve preached it a million times. And so even though I hit a dip in the road and took a few days off to wallow, I’ve known in my heart that this is the answer.
A little reminder we’ve heard before but maybe we should teach our children, Elder Parley P. Pratt described the effects of the Holy Ghost: “[His influence] quickens all the intellectual faculties, increases, enlarges, expands and purifies all the natural passions and affections; and adapts them, by the gift of wisdom, to their lawful use. It inspires, develops, cultivates and matures all the fine-toned sympathies, joys, tastes, kindred feelings and affections of our nature. It inspires virtue, kindness, goodness, tenderness, gentleness and charity. It develops beauty of person, form and features. It tends to health, vigor, animation and social feeling. It invigorates all the faculties of the physical and intellectual man. It strengthens, and gives tone to the nerves. In short, it is, as it were, marrow to the bone, joy to the heart, light to the eyes, music to the ears, and life to the whole being” (Key to the Science of Theology, 9th ed. [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1965], p. 101).
I love knowing where true beauty comes from. And when we forget or the world distracts us, I’m so grateful that we know Who we can go to to help us remember. When we have God’s love in our hearts, when we are doing all we can to love and serve like Christ, we will have His spirit with us, we will have His image in our countenance, and that is the kind of beautiful I want to be. Even with dark short hair, sans cheekbones or highlights. ;)
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