I sat on it for nearly two weeks. I told the newspaper office to hold our subscription while we were out of town and I would call to get it started again when we got back. Instead of the regular vacation hold, I took this option to give me some thinking time. Except I couldn’t decide. I’ve vacillated about this for months, I suppose years in a way. Because we cancelled it once before. That lasted about three days. We were out of sorts without it. We love getting the paper. I grew up reading it, my dad delivered newspapers, my grandparents used to pay me to read 3 articles a day, we’ve had the paper even when we were young and right out of school. I treat myself to a USA Today when we’re on road trips. I want the newspaper industry to stay alive. And thrive even. I want to support it. I can't help but think of the carriers and the writers, all the employees that need jobs. We believe in the paper. And yet I hate the amount of paper it uses. I hate that it costs so much. I worry that we’re wasteful and some days don’t get to it like we should. I hate that so much of it is ads that we toss without even unpacking. I hate that we just pile the whole thing, day after day, into the recycling crate, creating more work and energy for the system. (Although, I have to say it makes a good fire start and excellent drop cloth for spray painting projects.) And yet, I love pouring over articles as a family at breakfast. I love seeing Mitchell, like an old grandpa, paper up high, spread out wide. I love that he shares his opinions about current issues. I like that he tells me what’s going on when I haven’t had time to sit down with it yet for the day. It warms my heart to see them all take turns over the comics that I then turn into wrapping paper. I like that we can discuss our town and world together in the same way families have done for years before us. I don’t like the idea of something else to look at on a screen. I don’t like talk radio. I want a quiet, unobtrusive venue for obtaining the news. I like taking a little walk to pick up our paper at the front of our subdivision. I loved it when my dad would bundle up over Christmas vacation and bring back the paper tucked under his puffy coat arm and lounge contentedly entertained in front of the fire for the next hour. I’m nostalgic for the ways of yesterday. I love the smell of ink, the headlines that shout when something is really off in the world. I love that here in Montana a lot of the front page stories involve animals and natural resources. I like seeing how different deliverers fold and wrap their wares. I’m a nerd. I love most everything about getting the paper. Except I go back and forth, not sure which value should trump in the quandary of the newspaper.
I come across issues like this all the time. Should I buy the bigger container of sour cream or the large block of cream cheese at Costco even though they’re full of fat or should I buy the smaller ones somewhere else that are more expensive but lower fat? Conflicting values: health vs thrift. I’m up against this all the time. Although I know we could also argue that low-fat is not necessarily better. We only buy regular, old-fashioned butter, and I refuse to put applesauce in baked goods. But in this case I end up skipping the cream cheese and buying the big container of sour cream. No rhyme or reason.
I bump up against my values again in the cereal aisle. Weekly. What with Cinnamon Toast Crunch on sale for just over $4 at Costco, it’s hard to leave it on the shelf. But if no one’s with me (named Todd), I just leave it and reach for the Grape Nuts or unadulterated Cheerios. Todd’s told me so many times that I’m about as fun as diarrhea. Like I’m offended. Like I don’t know that. So once in awhile I decide to try to be fun. As in buying donuts for breakfast for the road trip home. Instead of the normal fare of granola, fruit, cereal and muffins. But it’s hard. Once in awhile I’ll buy the sugar-laden cereals. But I feel like I’m cheating my family because I know how bad it is for them. So I go back and forth, trying to be fun but trying to look out for them. The future them. But it warms my heart when they’ve eaten their donuts or other oil-filled, processed snack and they start complaining of stomach pain and just not feeling that great. That happened when my mom insisted on buying them those Hostess cupcakes that they were dying to have while we were waiting in the grocery store line. I of course said no, how gross. But they happily sucked them down and it didn’t take long for them to feel the effects. It’s just a battle of values every time. Do I provide healthy, feel-good food or cave and let them have junk under the guise of being a fun mom? You know the answer, we all do. We mostly try healthy but of course have our treats. Plenty. I just don’t know if I can feel good about sending them to school with nothing more than Captain Crunch in their bellies.
This same dilemma arises every time our family goes out to eat or Todd and I meet for lunch. I say we all order water. Costs a ton less, leaves room for the food rather than tanking up on empty calories, just a more refreshing choice. But Todd, who hardly ever ate out as a kid and who rarely got soda when they did, insists on treating everyone. As part of the experience. Similarly, I’d rather pack sandwiches on long road trips, a million times cheaper. I just decided many years ago to stop worrying about it and agree to a Subway stop. But I always pack chips and drinks for the car. He wants everyone to get their meal deals inside. I vote to buy candy bars and bulk-priced sodas (since we know it’s inevitable they’re going to be a part of every road trip) before we leave town. He is all about the experience of the gas station convenience store. I get it. I do. I just don’t agree. Conflicting values between the two of us, but also even within myself. Marital harmony and seeing things from his vantage point vs being efficiently prudent. I usually concede. But not without sharing my opinion one more time. $10-20 here and there for the sake of our marriage is completely worth it. Same reason we’ll skip a church meeting here or there because our marriage needs more attention than the church does. And I’ll almost always jump back in the truck to meet him in town (even though I was just there) for lunch. Some things are just worth more than gas money.
I used cloth diapers with our first three babies, hating the idea of adding diapers to land fills that wouldn’t decompose for years and years. Or maybe ever. Depends who you talk to. But a mom at the playground insisted it was more of an environmental upset to use all that water to wash them. Who’s to know which impact is worse? Same with regular dishes vs paper plates. Similar arguments on paper vs. plastic bags; I’ve read both sides. I’m never quite sure. So I make the best decision I can. Or at least the one that feels most like me. And leave it at that.
Do we let the kids stay up for an educational, cultural, or just different kind of experience at the expense of sleep? Ummm… I have to say we almost always do. I believe in a good night’s sleep. I know what it does for our family. I’m completely on board. But an educational experience… an eclipse, a cool storm, fire works, an unexpected visit from friends, it’s all totally worth missing some sleep for. I might be a bad mom. I guess I just figure memory makers come along spontaneously and infrequently, probably not at the best times. We can always catch up on sleep. But to log away a cool memory. That’s worth staying up for.
On the other hand, since we’re talking about sleep, I’ve never figured out which family member is most important, who to value more. Do I get up early with my 16 year old at 5:30 so he can have company and support as he leaves for the day? But obviously, since I excel on more like 9.5 hours a night, I notice myself gradually getting grumpier until right after 7 in the evening. And then I all but check out. But I still stay up to spend time with Todd. So I’m just constantly fuzzy and tired. Maybe this is everyone’s story. I’m just never quite sure which family member to value more, so I just choose both. And to go without much sleep. So when it’s not summertime I’m just a little edgy most of the time. Awesome.
So I’m aware that the world’s in commotion and there are bigger issues than these. I know that. I’m just saying again that I’m inconsistent, even with my values. But it means I’m thinking, I’m just taking a moment to weigh what’s most important today. And it changes. We all do this. Just because we don’t all end up with the same conclusion as someone else—or as we did on another day—isn’t the point. The point is that we care enough to think about what we’re doing, that we want to align our actions with what matters most to us—whatever that looks like. It’s just sometimes hard when it looks like there’s no right answer, that it’s all good.
ps We’re still getting the paper. And I take a lot of naps.
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